1975 McDonalds Commercial Two All Beef Patties Special Sauce Lettuce....

Time Flies...an Email from 2004

Yesterday, after going through all the email on my main server, I found a file called "Funny Emails". It was like opening a time capsule to August 2004 (almost 7 years ago).... here is a portion of the email back and forth between me and Parker


To Val:
From Parker:
Hi cutie, how are you? We went to Sushi and then watched "Cold Mountain", which I really liked except I couldn't get past Nicole Kidman's perfectly botoxed face. I was happy however to finally see a decent movie in our media room after a bunch of stinkers. DW didn't like it so much but then again his favs are Police Academy, Zoolander and Undercover Brother. I want to see Elephant, it is a high school Gus van Zant Sundance movie based on the Columbine Shootings. 

I am so overwhelmed right now I feel like I have been gone for two weeks on vaca and I am just getting back. I am also going to have another cancellation this week so I will be the big loser again. Write back when you can, I know this email is so thrilling. I am too beaten down to be funny.


To Parker
From Val:
 Sorry about the work slump, cutie. At least the new Fall Season is starting, so there will be some new t.v. shows to make fun of. My kids  can't wait to see "Joey" so I have that to look forward to. I spent most of the weekend playing on my new computer. Tom was really mad at me for getting an Apple and on Sat he spent all morning cursing at the computer and saying aloud  "This computer  Sucks! Why would anyone get an Apple?"  Sunday he finally got it figured out. I'm like because an  "Apple E-Mac" is a bad computer,  Whatever, it's not like I went out and bought an 8 track player. 

Yesterday I got out all our old videos from the camcorder we purchased  a few years ago and figured out how to make movies on the computer. I put together a montage of the kids doing karate, riding bikes b-day parties etc... and put it to the music of Pink's "Let Get This Party Started." Is it Spike Jones or Val?

Also yesterday we took my son and his 3 best friend bowling for his  b-day. As pathetic as it is, I actually had fun, even wearing the kids size 4 cutie bowling shoes. We also went out for Pizza. It was a  crazy-ass trailer-trash b-day extravaganza.  

I assume you missed Casino last night. It wasn't that great, except that a porno star was making the moves on the best man/brother of the groom, while his girlfriend/bridesmaid watched. Then his ex-girlfriend was in the wedding as well, and trouble ensued as all the skanks vied  for his attention. Finally his girlfriend went upstairs and packed and left while bestman/brother walked sadly down the hall in his hideous groom attire, which looked like Bugsy Siegel meets Huggy Bear. (Long  tails, 1950's mafia hat with white satin stripe, etc...) Have you seen the promos on MTV for a new reality show called "Laguna Beach?" It follows young spoiled rich kids who live in Laguna as they go to the beach (and do it), surf then get drunk) and whatever else it is that teenagers do these day (be lazy and mooch off their parents.) I will be watching it like a hawk circling over a dead rabbit on the road. 


Wow - talk about a blast from the past, I remember when Cold Mountain came out and as Parker said, Nicole Kidman had not a wrinkle on her face. Let's be real, if any one of us were living in the circumstances that she did in Cold Mountain, we would all have deep dirt-encrusted wrinkles, butter-colored teeth, black circles under our eyes and shag-carpet head hair. I can almost guarantee you that if we took a time machine back to the Cold Mountain days - we would be hard pressed to find anyone over the age of 17 with a Nicole Kidman-smooth face. Parker wasn't kidding about DW - to this day he still loves and quotes "Undercover Brother" - but then again,  who can resist a 1970's themed movie starring Eddie Griffin and the talented Denice Richards? 


I am also amazed that my kids were excited to see "JOEY" of course they were only 6 and 8 at the time, so its not as if they are going to sit through an episode of NOVA. I love how my husband hated our first Apple computer and just 2 nights ago he looked over at me while perusing his iPad and said "God, Apple is so great!"


I don't even know what "Casino" was (but clearly I wasn't talking about the classic Martin Scorsece flick). I think it was probably an early reality show and most certainly a huge waste of my time in 2004.


So here we are seven years later, now we have both Nicole Kidman's forehead, are still complaining about work, still watching crap reality (but both of us have really curbed our reality addiction and are both completely off the gossip magazines), and still making fun of anything we can think of.....

Here Go Hell Come.....

Stay tuned (those of you who are still out there). The blog will be back up and running shortly.

Blechhhhh....

This morning I was still a bit groggy as the news reported that Miley Cyrus' parents are divorcing because her mom had an affair with Bret Michaels. Believe it or not - this kind of story actually does make the LA news, even on a day after an election. I brushed it off thinking it was just due to my foggy early-morning mind, until the next hour as they announced it again.

There are so many things wrong with this scenario, I can't even begin. I know that Billy Rae Cyrus isn't exactly Brad Pitt and his mullet and parachute pants back in the early 90's would make any woman cringe, but I can't imagine ever turning in Billy Ray Cyrus for Bret Michaels. (Actually I can't imagine ever falling for either - even with all their "Achy Breaky" and "Poison/Rock of Love" cash.) Needless to say, I think Billy's pretty pissed. Indeed his heart is both Achy and Breaky, but more importantly, imagine the shame Mrs. Cyrus has put on her family. Finding out your mom got it on with Bret Michaels cannot be a positive experience. I see even more pole dancing and risque clothing in Miley's future.  I guess Bret Michaels song was prophetic: Every Rose DOES have its thorn. Any by thorn, I mean a lifetime of humiliation and trying to conquer a plethora of Venereal Diseases. 

While I'm on the subject of crappy celebrity gossip, I also learned that ABC has picked up the show "Skating with Celebrities." I never been a fan of  "Dancing with the Stars," but put them on ice and I'm I'm hooked. While I didn't recognize many of the celebrities names (either I am getting really old, or they are very D-list), I am familiar with the following:

• Vince Neil. former lead singer of Motly Crue and soon to be known as "Trainwreck on Ice"
• Sean Young: She actually had a promising career in the late 1980's and early 1990's until she dressed up like catwoman and appeared on Jay Leno in hopes of getting the part in Tim Burton's Batman. Don't know much about her recent work, but did see her on a Soup clip in a CMT reality show where she was sitting by a campfire (I pretty sure Carnie Wilson and Bobby Brown were also present) drunk off her ass. I can't wait ! Her new name: "Meltdown on Ice"
• Betthany from Real Housewives of New Jersey and Betthany's Getting Married?  Betthany is such a flash in the pan that I don't even know what her last name is, but I am guessing she will skate while holding a "Skinny Girl" margarita in one hand and her god damned cookbook in the other. We'll name her "Attention Whore on Ice."

For those of you who are too young to know of Sean Young and her Leno meltdown - here's a clip. It really is crazy at its finest. Unfortunately I can't find a clip with sound, but just imagine her saying incoherent phrases in a cat voice. 

via The Insider

Because Charlie Sheen needs more money

If there is anything that says "Don't pay me more money" - it is the scenario of Charlie Sheen having a meltdown at the Plaza Hotel with a hooker after a 3-day coke binge. NOthing says "Stop paying me a million dollars an episode" like an overpaid drug addict with an open wallet and a city full of hookers and drugs. Even in my most wildest days - I never could never imagine verbally or physically assaulting a prostitute while staying at the Plaza. I actually stayed at the Plaza hotel in New York circa  1993 and ordered a Cesar Salad and a coke at the rock bottom cost of $35 plus tip - charged to my expense account. Imagine the guilt I would have felt if I had ordered a gram of coke and a hooker and then destroyed the room and chandelier. Clearly, as much as a rebel as I think I am - Charlie Sheen is about 10 times worse. Hey Charlie, have more coke and cash at your discretion. How old are you again? 42? Seriously grow the fuck up, smartie. Even I know when to stop after my 2nd margarita. BTW if I got arrested for a 4th time for cocaine possession, I'm pretty sure I would lose my menial 20 hour, $18 per hour job - meanwhile Charlie is still being paid in butt loads of cash - proving once again, that the world is so not fair! (don't even get me started on the 17 year old kid  that makes $150K per episode. Can you say future Willie Aames?)