George Carlin said it Best

Here is the amazing George Carlin waxing poetically about Michael Jackson. F - you Elvis.

R.I.P 70's and 80's Icons

Today is a sad day for anyone who came of age during the 70's and 80's. I literally have a command center on my couch keeping track of the Farrah/Michael Jackson deaths. Not since Anna Nicole passed away have I been so glued to my television and computer.

This morning I was confronted with the sad news that Farrah finally passed away after a long battle with anal cancer (yikes could anything be worse?) Farrah will always be known as one of Charlie's Angels and for her perky nipple poster (which hung on by  brother's floor to ceiling corkboard wall - so very 70's). However my fondest memory of Farrah was her amazing role as Holly in the cult classic "Logan's Run" - seriously she should have gotten a fricking Oscar.  I think I've seen "Logan's Run" at least 6 times over the years, because really, who can get tired of a movie who's plot revolves around a society that executes everyone once they reach the age of 30? I remember Farrah in her futuristic sparkly outfit with her soft airhead voice and thought she was "the bomb". 

As I left work I heard that Michael Jackson had passed away of a heart attack. Like most people, I agree that Michael was a freak, but god love him he was a talented freak. Unlike my children, I remember Michael as a black man, amazing dancer and great talent. I also remember doing the "mime in a box" dance to his "Off The Wall" album outside the school pod in 4th grade. The sparkly glove, and red leather jacket were a way hip in a lame but cool sort of way. I'd have to say that my favorite memory of Michael was his shy but lovable portrayal as the junkyard Scarecrow (with a Reeses Peanut Butter cup wrapper on his nose) in The Wiz (R&B's answer to The Wizard of Oz). His rendition of "Ease on Down the Road" with Diana Ross and Nipsy Russell kicked ass. 

So, to Farrah and Michael, I saw Rest In Peace. May the two of you do the Moonwalk, followed by a round of Battle of the Network Stars, and share your hair secrets up in Heaven. And may Ed McMahon greet you with a "Heeeere's Michael and Farrah".

-Val

Poop Eye. And, Speaking of Poop, My Thoughts on the Jonas Brothers

Yesterday I woke up with a raging case of Pink Eye. No big deal, however I couldn't help but be reminded of the scene from "Knocked Up" where Seth Rogan and Paul Rudd go to pick up their stoner friends for a Vegas road trip and they can't go because they are all infected with Pink Eye caused by farting on each other's pillow. Apparently (according to the writer's of "Knocked Up" who are clearly opthamologists on the side) Pink Eye is/can be caused by getting fecal matter in your eye. Needless to say, yesterday as I showed up at work looking like I'd just left a hotel room after hanging out with Snoop Dog and Willie Nelson, I couldn't stop wondering if I somehow got poop in my eye, and if so, how could it have happened? Did someone fart on my favorite pillow when I wasn't looking? Did my dog do one of those butt-scratching slides on my pillow while I was at work? Did I accidentally pick up a pair of someone's skid marked undies while doing the laundry and then touch my eye? Maybe a floating fecal particle flew into my eye the other day when it was particularly gusty. Regardless, I can't get the whole poop eye scenario out of my head. 

This morning I woke up and not only is my eye the color of Cherry Kool Aid but now it is completely puffy. Perfect timing, since I am having lunch with a friend who I haven't seen in 20 years who will undoubtedly mistake me for Farrah Fawcett's character in The Burning Bed when I arrive. 

While we are on the subject of Poop, I wanted to just throw in my two cents about a little sensation known as "The Jonas Brother's" (or, as I like to call them, simply "Jonai", which I think is probably the plural of Jonas??)

First of all, can someone tell me what the appeal is? Even my 11 year old daughter thinks they are dorks (unless she's just playing it cool and really has a secret Jonai collectible stash hidden somewhere in her room). If you ask me, the "teen heartthrob bands of the 1980's were so much better.

Jonai actually have a song called "Pizza Girl". I can't be certain, but I am guessing this might be about a girl who works at a Pizza Parlor. I wonder if this was co-written by Elton John and his writing partner Bernie Taupin, because there is just no way a group of teenagers could come up with something as beautiful and poetic as "Pizza Girl" on their own. My favorite Jonai song, however is probably "Everyone's Allergic to Poison Ivy". Well no shit Sherlock. Again, some pretty heavy stuff coming from such young novices. 

At least Duran Duran took it to the next step and actually used some Metaphors in their songwriting. "Hungry Like the Wolf" and "Reflex" are some examples that come to mind. While we are comparing the two bands, I have to say that style wise, Duran Duran ran circles around the Jonas Bros. Jonai, with their mini fros (except Joey, who has clearly discovered the magic of the flat iron), and their sports coat and ascots can't hold a candle to Duran Duran's stylish Panama hats, white linen jackets and magenta colored blush. 

I could go on for days, but NY Prep is burning a whole in my Tivo (just dying to be watched). And I have to put on my battered wife best for my lunch today. So until next time, remember that Everyone (that means YOU) is Allergic to Poison Ivy. Thanks for the head's up Jonai.

-Val

A Classy Video that Says "I Love You Dad...Happy Father's Day"

My dad actually reads this blog on occasion (sorry about the constant vulgarity, Dad), so maybe he'll watch this video, which is an tribute to Dad's everywhere! Pass it on to your dad (if you dare) - a great way to say "Thanks for being irresponsible, Dad!"

I love the grumpy dad and his facial expressions - it reminds me of my youth!

Thanks for Not Pulling Out - Watch more Funny Videos

Even More Proof that Getting Old Bites

The other day, in a rush to get ready for work, I found myself squeezing into a size "0" pants (from 9 years ago) when I am now a size 4 (keep in mind I am very short), and covering it with a long maternity-like tunic - praying that a gust of wind would not blow the tunic up, exposing my Pop-N-Fresh Dough stomach. Imagine if you well, taking 10 lbs of sausage and stuffing it into a casing made for one Farmer's John breakfast sausage link and you'll get a visual of me getting dressed that day. Those pants were about 75 times tighter then the black number Olivia Newton John was wearing during the final scene in Grease. I'm pretty sure there might now be some internal bleeding, or at least some damage to my inner organs.

I now find myself getting up at least once in the middle of every night with an uncontrollable urge to urinate. As I shuffle to the bathroom like an 87 year-old man with prostrate issues, I have to wonder how it is possible for my entire body to get bigger by the minute, while my bladder miraculously seems to shrink day by day?

How is it possible that I can have a raging case of PMS (one which makes Janice Dickinson look like a tame kitten) and simultaneously have pre-menopausal hot flashes that wake me up in the night and render me looking like I am halfway through the Boston marathon? That is so not fair. 

I have three sharp whiskers that are playing "whack a mole" on my chin. The moment I pluck one out, another appears the next day. That one immediately gets plucked and the third (and darkest whisker of the bunch) rears its ugly head. By the time #3 is plucked, number #1 is back in action. I can't win. 

Also this week, a stranger called me "Ma'am", and my daughter asked me why my hands were so "veiny". I've also noticed that my interest in watching MTV and VH1 reality shows has waned considerably over the past year, while my desire to watch a new Dateline murder mystery has never been stronger - a true sign of aging. Son of a bitch.

-val