As a child I remember watching an episode of "Maude" in which Maude (played so femininely by Bea Arthur) was going through the change of life. Maude, in her huge polyester tunics bitched endlessly about her "hot flashes" and I remember thinking, "That is so Gross. I'll never be like Maude."
Cut to yesterday where I found myself - dressed in a tunic (it was a black and white really cute Michael Kors linen tunic, but a tunic nonetheless) and the last several months where I have woken up almost every night covered in more sweat than if I'd run the NY Marathon. And when I say "sweat", I'm talking a River Runs Through the space between my breasts kind of sweat, the "Did I pee the bed?" kind of sweat - the kind of sweat that no straight, non-athletic women should ever have to endure.) My doctor says this is the result of peri-menopause, which is just a souped up name for You are turning into Maude. "But I'm only 39" I pleaded - I'm way too young for that. "Oh, this isn't menopause - this is pre-menopause, which can go on for years," she replied. (This is doctor code for "you'll still get raging PMS and mind-blowing cramps every month, but also get to enjoy the early stages of being an old geezer.") I'm thinking about opening a boutique called "The Tunic Tavern" and giving an automatic 15% discount to shoppers 39 and over.