JUMP The Fence

I've caught bits and pieces about the California girl who was kidnapped 18 years ago and was just found living in a tent in the backyard of her kidnapper's home. So many thoughts come to mind:

• First of all, THANNKKS for the luxurious living quarters fu**ker. I finally got to watch the first 2 TIVO'd episodes of "Hoarders" and these people had nothing on that poor little girl's backyard clutter-filled Shangri-La.

• Speaking of living in the backyard. Can someone please explain why the girl never JUMPED the god-damned fence? Seriously, she was kidnapped at the age of 11 - not 2. Clearly he tempted that poor little girl with a rare Beanie Baby (perhaps the "Pinchers" the Lobster?) and a box of Sweet Tarts. That  Casanova Kidnapper must have done a number on her for her to have stuck around in a pup tent with dirt floor for so long.

• This guy was a registered sex offender and as such the courts were required to regularly visit him. Because they looked hard. Hey cuites, you might want to check out Chester the Molester's makeshift Indian Princess campsite in the backyard. 

• Not only did he kidnap her, make her live in a shitstorm junkyard, but he impregnated her (twice)  AND forced her to give birth in the yard. For the love of god, if I'm going to be kidnapped and forced to live in a dirty tent, my kidnapper better at least throw a handful of Vicodin my way while I am birthing his children in a pathogen paradise. 

• She also had a job (not sure where but from the looks of her living quarters, I'm guessing the $1 Store?). At some point wouldn't you pull aside a co-worker and tell them in Pig Latin: "I've een-bay idnapped-kay. All-cay for elp-hay". 

In all seriousness this is no laughing matter. That poor girl left home a darling 11-year old and is returning a very messed up 29-year-old mother of 2. Meanwhile the police just dug up a bone on the kidnapper's property. May he be forced to birth 2 very large children (out of his penis hole) in the middle of a dirt field before being tossed down below into the fiery pits of Hell. 

-Val & Parker