More Like "Forever 41"

First of all, What The Hell? Heidi Montag (clearly desperate for another magazine cover and madly clinging to whatever fame and dignity she has left) just underwent 10 plastic surgery procedures including: Full Body Lipo (because we all know how she was riddled with cellulite), a brow lift, and gargantuan bazooka boobs that frankly look ridiculous.

Listen up Hedi: You are like 23, and about as smart as the bags of silicone in your stripper tittays. Enjoy it while it lasts because in 15 years those "not-so-funbags" will be resting comfortably on your muffin top (oh yeah, it'll happen) and instead of being the petite youngster with the hourglass figure, your midsection/breast area is going to look like a god damned globe. Botox? Call me crazy but wouldn't it be wise to wait until you actually had a wrinkle before shoving the poison into your forehead? Same goes for the liposuction, dimwit. Also? If you continue with the brow lifting your brows will be somwhere in the vicinity of your ears by the time you are 30. As it is you are starting to resemble Sharon Stone (who is 50 and claims to have never had surgery or Botox- because she is a liar and insane).

In 10 years, when Heidi is living in a studio apartment in Long Beach off the 405, she will be wishing she would have put her plastic surgery money in an IRA or invested it with Microsoft. Clearly by that time her "Hills" money will be gone and she won't be able to get a job because her skill set doesn't so much as include the ability to type a memo (but then again there's always Hooters).

Meanwhile, if money were no object I would do full body liposuction in a heartbeat. Something happened to me between the ages of 35 and 40 and it involves the production of a lot of cellulite and depletion of all muscle tone. After finally retiring my "Melrose Place" professional wardrobe, I went out today in hopes of finding a cute Burka - or at the very least some long-sleeved tops and some pants that don't make me feel like I'm getting an immediate yeast infection because they are so tight. Of course, like anyone who's gained a few (15) pounds, I keep thinking that I will soon be able to fit into my skinny clothes, so I wasn't in a position to drop "Heidi Montag" money at Nordstrom. I started at Macy's and at one point was so desperate that I walked into "Forever 21." I figured that at $14 for a top, I could get a cheapo temporary wardrobe until I miraculously (without diet or exercise) loose the weight. Clearly I was mistaken, as "Forever 21" really is and should be for those 21 and under. Sure, that $23 pleather biker jacket with steel (i.e. silver-colored plastic) studs would be a great accessory to my closet, but I held strong. After all, I am saving up for that lipo surgery.