Christmas Carnage

Christmas was ultra mellow this year, and I think that's how I like it. We were up at 6:30 am and surrounded by a sea of ripped wrapping paper, cardboard boxes, plastic and ribbons by 7:00 am. I love how months of anticipation is literally ripped to shreds in 20 minutes. By noon the kids were bored with their new goodies (because the excitement of a Wii, Xbox Live, video camera, new cell phone and $25 worth of iTunes gift cards apparently expires after 4 hours). Instead of watching "A Christmas Story" on TBS for the 9th year in a row, I bundled up the kids (as it was a blizzard-like 54 degrees and raining in Southern California) and took them to the movies (did I mention Tom was at work by this time? Yes he's a driven workaholic, but I love him all the more for his incessant ambition). We chose to go see "Marley and Me" because who doesn't love a movie about pets on Christmas? I started crying about one hour into it and continued to cry for the next hour straight. By the end I was practically heaving with sobs. As I left the theater with black mascara running down my pale cheeks, I'm sure I looked like someone who had just found out that their entire family was wiped out in a house fire. In my defense I was suffering from exhaustion (I was up till 11:30 wrapping presents, which might as well be 3 am for me), suffering from a raging case of PMS, and the general "after the present opening" holiday blues. So basically I cried every time the god damned dog panted. 

Later that day, Parker emailed me a picture of the ginormous Pink sapphire and diamond cocktail ring that her mother Nancy Regan gave her (Nancy hands out diamonds every year like they were fricking candy canes). Parker also got some Tory Burch flats and a red patent leather Louis Vuitton bag from Daddy Warbucks (who unlike my husband Tom has actually heard of Tory Burch and Louis Vuitton). My mom got me an organic Henley tee shirt with Diamondesque like buttons (so its similar to Parker's ring) and Tom and I bought a shiny gas grill with all the bells and whistles (not exactly a Louis Vuitton bag, but it is red and shiny, and can a Louis Vuitton bag make kabobs? Yeah, that's what I thought). Besides it's not about the gifts anyway. 

-Val

O' Christmas Wii O' Christmas Wii

Our family needs another electronic gadget like Brad and Angelina need more publicity. So when my daughter begged me for a Wii this year (because her MacBook, Sidekick cell phone, Nintendo DS, 25-inch color TV with basic cable and her brother's XBox 360 simply doesn't provide enough entertainment to fill her empty life), I simply nodded and smiled, all the while thinking "Not a chance in hell sweetie". So I was thrilled when a few weeks ago my mother in law hinted that she was buying us a Wii for the whole family to share. Great, if the in laws are going to spring for the Wii,  I thought I'd break down and buy Ellie the "Wii Fit", which is some sort of $100 attachment that allows you to do virtual yoga or something like that. You know, because following along with those Yoga DVDs is so hard. 

Cut to the Sunday before Christmas: Because nothing says "Christmas Spirit" like waiting till the last minute to buy your children's gifts. Here I was at Best Buy, completely lost and meandering through the merchandise like an 89 year old with dementia.  Honestly, finding a Wii Fit in that store was harder than finding a crack rock in a snow storm (not that I would know). I eventually waved down a sweaty, out-of-breath, disgruntled clerk who informed me that they were plum out of the Wii Fit but that they MIGHT get some in on Tuesday (as in Tuesday, the 23rd of December). Gee thanks Corky (that could have been his name), your uncertainty about the next shipment of new Wii Fits gives me plenty of time for "Plan B". I should have gone from store to store and searched in vain for the last remaining available Wii Fit (like Arnold Schwarzenegger searching for "Turbo Man" in that crappy Christmas movie "Jingle All the Way"), but I'm fresh out of anti-anxiety medicine and would rather eat broken glass than deal  with the crowds. 

When I got home (basically empty-handed and frazzled), my daughter Ellie dragged me to her laptop to show me the latest gadget she is craving for Christmas. As of 2:45 pm that day, the Wii craze is passe - Ellie wants the new Flip Video camera. Not a chance in hell sweetie.