Dear Mackenzie:
Is it not enough that we all know you've been a heroin addict since like the age of 6? You've also proudly admitted to having a one-nighter with Mick Jagger as a teen (Mick must have had some major 'beer goggles' on that night because I'm pretty sure he could have gotten someone who didn't have the body of a 12 year old boy and acne scars). Then last year you brilliantly went through LAX security with a dozen syringes up your pant leg (Kudos!). At least that stunt got you a gig on Celebrity Rehab.
But that's not enough is it? It's obvious to me that your Bank of America Interest Maximizer Account with the residuals of "One Day At a Time" has dried up, and what better way to make a buck than to spill the beans about shooting up and doing the nasty with your creepy, jaundice-skinned, junkie dad? What's even worse is that it continued for 10 years (10 years?) and he even impregnated you (Holy vomit-in-my-mouth). Listen up Pizza Face: This is TMI (too much information)! Schneider would be so disappointed in you.
