What a Crock of Shizzzzz....

Sure whatever you say, politically incorrect magazine ad from the 1970's. Right about now I could use about 6 Midols and "My Guy" is definitely NOT the "No. 1 reason." 

What IS the reason I might be needing a handful of Midols you ask? How about the fact that I feel like Aretha Franklin after a binge at the Hometown Buffet. Maybe its because my back feels like I've been working on a prison chain gang digging ditches for the last 72 hours. Or maybe because aside from the bloating and backache, I've gone though a double-decker chocolate cookie tin from Costco that my evil father brought over on Christmas to make the holidays more "Festive" (i.e. to turn me into a "fat ass"). Or perhaps I need the Midol because last night when I came downstairs and discovered an empty gallon of Dryers Vanilla Bean Ice Cream that my children had devoured in a 24-hour period, I began screaming like a delusional homeless lady that the only good that can come from annihilating a gallon of ice cream while playing video games all day is a "big butt and diabetes". Sorry Kids, it was the PMS taking.

As for "Your Guy" (pictured above), well he can take his patchwork cowboy shirt, and disco medallion and shove it.

Happy New Year. I'll be celebrating by watching Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin while enjoying a Midoltini.

-Val

Thanksgiving + PMS = No Good

Happy Thanksgiving. Unfortunately I have a raging case of PMS which peaked yesterday as I was cleaning my house. As I went from room to room (complaining like a 90 year old Jewish lady) my kids were methodically following me around messing up the house. At some point I turned into a cross between the Cloverfield Monster and Debra Winger in Terms of Endearment when she screams at her kids in the Pick N Save parking lot. When I asked my son to rake the leaves outside he looked at me like I was speaking Russian. At that point the voice of Satan took over and I literally screamed "Rake the God Damned Leaves". That set him straight. I even managed to start a almost deadly kitchen fire (all without even cooking a thing - its a long story). Despite the back-breaking cramps and my flaring temper, I managed to get the house ready. Today the cramps are worse than ever, but I'm armed with a hidden stash of Xanax (only for emergency) and if necessary several bottles of Chardonnay. 

Hope everyone has a safe and Happy Holiday.

-Val