An Open Letter To US Weekly

Dear US Weekly:
This has got to stop. Do Heidi and Spencer have a contract with the devil in exchange for publicity? Better yet, do they have incriminating photos of your editor-in-chief smoking crack with the Two Corey's? Why else would you continue to perpetuate the notoriety of a couple whose main accomplishments in life include the ability to stop, drop and pose for the paparazzi at the drop of a dime (and use their brief stardom to get free plastic surgery and hotel rooms in Cabo San Lucas?) They won't even pass out split pea at the LA soup kitchen unless a photographer is present.  I'd rather read a years worth of magazines with David Schwimmer on the cover than have another god-damned Heidi & Spencer non-story cover delivered to my house. The economy is in the shitter, people are losing their jobs and homes. Please don't reward this deplorable duo any more. Their time has come and gone, for the love of God make it stop.

Kindest regards,

Val & Parker

 

Jennifer Love Fat Ass: Thanks for Making me feel like Crap

Last Friday my pop-culture bible (also known as US Weekly) came in the mail and once again, it featured another truly amazing weight loss story. I can now sleep at night knowing that Jennifer Love Hewitt has lost that extra 18 lbs she's been carrying around for so long. Sheesh, I'm surprised the Beverly Hills Fire Department didn't have to perform a life-saving rescue by tearing down her bedroom wall and hauling her fat ass out with a fork lift before she was finally able to overcome her obesity. 

As someone who has a body type very similar to J-Love's "before" picture, I have a bone to pick with the tabloids. A few months ago, she got a lot of heat for donning a bikini and (gasp!) revealing some unsightly cellulite. Even with the cellulite, she clearly couldn't have weighed more than 120 lbs. Today at 18 lbs lighter, she is newest weight loss "success story". In a world where a 120 lb Jennifer Love Hewitt is considered a fat ass and a 97 lb Nicole Richie, anorexic, there isn't a lot of wiggle room in terms of "The Perfect Weight". 

At 5'2" and 117 (with a butt-load of cellulite and a smidgen of back fat), I would currently be categorized as overweight in the tabloid world. If I got rid of my orange-rind thighs and lost 10 lbs and I might be considered "just right". Lose another 10 and I become Mary Kate and Ashley's long lost tiny triplet.  One would think that at the age of almost 40, I'd finally be comfortable with myself and stop comparing myself to Hollywood starlets whose diets consist of Adderall and Salem Lights. Sadly, like most women in America, I will probably always have issues with my self-esteem. Even more sadly, I will also be the first to purchase the Star Magazine quarterly issue of the "Best and Worst Beach Bodies", and gobble up every detail of Life & Style's expose on the diet secrets of Blake Lively.

-Val

Tabloid Hell

To: Parker@thankgoditsFriday.com

From: Val@takinganap.com

Re: US Weekly - Sign of the Apocalypse?

Parker: 

I just got my US magazine and I need to know who is responsible (once again) for putting Heidi Montag on the cover so that I can have them killed. Honestly, I would love to throw a can of creamed corn in Heidi's smiling face (not to mention that Albino monkey boyfriend of hers). Alas, I know that there are more important things to worry about in this world (gas prices, housing market, the upcoming elections)  but I am completely bewildered by her fame. Thank god for this weeks' Life & Style's journalistic masterpiece entitled "Shiloh's Lonely World". Boo Frickin Hoo, Shiloh. 

-Val