Our (Absolute) Last Post about Michael Jackson

I actually considered taking a personal day from work just so I could stay at home on the sofa and watch the memorial, but my newfound work ethic beat out over my natural tendency towards laziness. I did however take a few minutes at work to peruse the MSN pictures from the day and here were my initial thoughts, which I immediately emailed to Parker:

Sorry about the solid gold casket (that costs more than most homes in the Mid west) and the ugly spray of red roses.

I'm not kidding I think the family slathered those kids with dark Ban de Soleil to make them look like they could actually be Michael's biological children, because the three of them now look mulatto and the oldest son's hair is now black - it was light brown a few weeks ago. 

Brooke Shield's looks gorgeous and seems totally sweet. I hate that bitch

His backup dancers for his upcoming tours are doing a song and dance number - all the while thinking to themselves "Crap I need a new gig, stat"

The Cou de gras is a picture of Corey Feldman in the audience dressed in full MJ garb (fedora, Capn' Crunch jacket, etc.). I can't see his hand but I'd bed my left tit that he is wearing a sparkly glove!

And when did the Rev. Al Sharpton become manorexic? Geez Rev. Al - have a frickin' Quiznos now and then.

There is a pic of his daughter Paris totally breaking down on stage and I am now sitting at my desk with tears rolling down my face. 

Parker responded with a snort about how sweet little Paris at least could cry into Janet's soft, millionaire bosom - something most orphans are unable to do.

After work, I sat Shiva for the Anderson Cooper 2 hour special on the memorial and cried like a baby the entire time (I blame the PMS, as usual). The media played MJ's daughters tearful goodbye no less than 17 times last night and I bawled every time. I also cried when Jennifer Hudson sang. That girl has some pipes (yet somehow lost out on American Idol - I think Bucky Covington got further then her). 

Come and Knock on my (Prison) Door

I really don't have much commentary for this (as the picture speaks volumes), but I just had to post this Mug Shot of Joyce Dewitt. Surely everyone over the age of 35 recognizes this swanky lady as "Janet Woods" on the amazingly complicated sitcom "Three's Company". Wasn't Janet the voice of wisdom on that show? Doesn't everyone over the age of 30 know by now that Drinking and Driving (esp. on the 4th of July - hello?) is a total dumbass move (I speak from experience - someday I'll tell my tale). 

By the way - Joyce/Janet was so plastered she actually drove THRU the po-po barricade (perhaps she was fantasizing about the Sally Field role in Smokey and The Bandit that she didn't get?

4th of July Clusterf**k (and the wild week leading up to it)

This past week was literally my first full week off in over a year. It started out completely strange with the not-terribly surprising news of Farrah Fawcett's death. As a kid I loved everything "Charlies Angels", especially the short lived Farrah-era. My brother had the red bathing  suit poster and I had the same on a decal Tshirt (early lesbian tendencies?). I also had the Farrah Barbie Head (as shown below, holy shit) that I thought was the 'figizz' until the first time I applied makeup to it and the shit wouldn't wash off. I ended up  chopping all her hair off and leaving her in the garage while cursing the dumb makers of the el cheapo Farrah head. 

 To hear that Michael Jackson had passed the same day was completely shocking, although he had become incredibly frail and more and more odd over the years he was only 50 and the friggin King of Pop. I kept thinking, "Seriously who would have ever guessed he would die before Liz Taylor, Liza or  Diana Ross for that matter.  As a teen my room was mainly Duran Duran wall to wall however I gave some highly valuable real estate to a Michael Jackson poster, he was still black at the time and had his nose just right but apparently he didn't think so and proceeded to have it chiseled until it looked like a crumpling roman ruin. That year my dad scored tickets to the Jackson 5 Victory Reunion tour stop in Phoenix. I had my outfit ready to go; a black top with my 'Duran Seven and the Ragged Tiger' concert tee underneath, black and white checkered pants, white leather Duran Duran style shoes, and yes one white glove. Sadly the tour was canceled and I would not get to wear my one white glove in public afterall.

All of this news made me feel old and a little sad but alas before I could think about it too much D.W and I headed to LA for a weekend of fabulousness and fun with Val and her hubby and my sis and her boyfriend. We ate and drank like kings, shopped and laughed pretty much the entire time. Our big Star Sightings were Rick Hilton (not the least bit exciting - why wasn't he with his whorish daughter) and Florence Henderson who looks exactly like she did as the mom on the Brady Bunch. WTF she truly has the best plastic surgeon in Beverly hills.

Our much needed restful week ended yesterday with a 5k charity run in the morning followed by what I like to call the "Annual Family Fourth of July Clusterfuck." The party ended up being very fun however my house looked like a frat party and was only missing the pizza on the turntable. DW's brother has 5 kids under the age of 10 including 2-year-old twin boys. While all the kids are incredibly cute, the concept of not coming into a house sopping wet and standing over wood floors is  pretty much completely lost on them. The glass door leading out to the  pool was so sticky dirty it looked like Ray Jay and Kim Kardashian filmed their sex tape against it. I'm still swatting flys in the house from the door opening in and out so much. Also If you want to piss off a 6 year old off throw him into the deep end of a pool cannon ball style while not knowing that he can't swim as my brother did to my nephew.  Vengeance was his when he later threw some free weights from upstairs down the stairs making my cream colored wall now with black weight skid marks look like the side of a drive-thru Daiquiri Hut.

All in all a good time was had by all and no one went home missing a tooth or with a black eye so clusterfuck was indeed a success and DW and I are sure to be in bed by 8 tonight -the night of our 12 year anniversary. 

Party on Garth and happy anniversary Baby !
-Parker

The Holy Terrors of NY

I've managed to break away from the "Michael Watch" in order to view the first two TIVO'd episodes of "NY Prep" on Bravo. For those of you lucky bastards who aren't familiar with the show, "NY Prep" revolves around 5 or 6 egocentric spoiled adolescents living in NY. These whippersnappers apparently have no parents and are free to party, dine and shop at their leisure without a care in the world. 

Watching this tragedy (and hating myself for it), I started to imagine what a reality show based on my high school in the 1980's would be like - and here's a rundown and comparison of the two shows:

Instead of "NY Prep", my high school reality nightmare  would be called "Tucson Parochial" - based on kids attending a Catholic high school in a hot desert city. 

• The kids of "NY Prep" have personal shoppers at Barney's NY, donning the newest Prada and Chloe line: the kids of "Tucson Parochial" find themselves shopping at Contempo Casuals and are decked out in amazing acid washed zipper jeans and polar fleece pullovers.
• The kids of  "NY Prep" often dine at Nobu and cozy French restaurants on the upper east side: The kids of "Tucson Parochial" prefer to chow down at the food court at Tucson Mall, frequenting Hot Dog on a Stick.
• The kids of "NY Prep" throw parties at hip Japanese karaoke bars and cool downtown lofts: The kids of "Tucson Parochial" meet up in the wash below Costco for late night bonfire and beer (Paps Blue Ribbon) parties.
  
• The kids of "NY Prep" have private drivers who cart them around the city in large black Cadillac Escalades: The kids of "Tucson Parochial" drive 4x4 trucks with KC lights or their grandmother's inherited Oldsmobile or K-Car.

Oh the comparisons could go on for days. And, while I (sadly) will continue to watch Bravo's latest staged reality show, I am starting to think that "Tucson Parochial" would be a much better show.

By the Way - if one of the students of "Tucson Parochial" were to show up anywhere wearing the brown suit with piped trim (as modeled by "PC" above) he would be stoned to death in the parking lot with Cholla Jumping Cactus.

Updates from the Command Post

I haven't been committing myself to my Michael Jackson command post (aka sitting on my large chocolate brown sofa, perched in front of my tv with  CNN blaring and  a MacBook on my lap). However, over the past few days I have learned a few interesting facts that may or may not be true about The King of Pop:

• At the time of his death, Michael Jackson was 5'11" and approx 115 lbs. It is just wrong that I am 5'2" and actually weigh more than a 5'11" black man. I read that Michael's ribs were broken when the doctor attempted to give him CPR. Meanwhile, anyone attempting to give me CPR would just have their hands sink into a virtual pile of marshmallow fluff.
• Its now coming to light that Michael was not the biological father of his three children. Well no shit. I never would have guessed that Prince Michael with his albino hair was sired by another man. 
• Bubbles the chimp is still alive and well living in a chimp sanctuary in Florida. Poor Bubbles, just a pawn in Michael's late 80's publicity stunt and thrown away like a used glove.
• I also read that Michael was completely bald at the time of his death. You mean that sleek soccer mom hair style was a wig all along? 
• Joe Jackson (Michael's abusive father) is a jack ass (promoting his lame record company the day after Michael's death) and is a complete moron (announcing that "every country in the US loved Michael). His eyebrows also make him look like a drunk Satan wandering the earth.
• Lou Ferrigno (or as Larry King repeatedly called him "Lou Ferragamo"; does he make leather goods on the side?) is a total publicity whore (who knew?). The Hulkster has been on no less than 50 news programs over the past week and has not once neglected to mention that not only was he buddies with Michael (who worked out with Lou while wearing a black tux - normal) but that he may be on next season's "Dancing with the Stars." Hey Lou - book yourself on the Insider a few more times with your tales of Michael on the exercise ball and you're a shoe in for the Dancing show!
• Corey Feldman and Michael Jackson had a falling out on September 10, 2001. Corey however has remained silent and won't comment on what they argument was about. Jesus Christ, can someone (TMZ, I'm talking to you!) get to the bottom of this so that I can sleep at night?