That's Hot

I was cleaning the house today, in preparation of Thanksgiving and listening to the 70's channel on my satellite music station when I looked up from my mopping and came face to face with this amazing flash-from-the-past  picture. I immediately had to take a snapshot with my cellphone:

For those of you who may not be familiar with the Rhythm and Blues (i.e. Disco) sounds of the 70's, this hot group of studs are known as the "Ohio Players". And while the Ohio Players are most famous for their one-hit wonder "Rollercoaster' they should have been known world-wide for their sense of style. Sure the 70's were all about shimmer and spandex but Ohio Players have taken it to a whole new level.

The hunkiest of the group has to be the guy on the left. Who knew satin dolphin shorts, spandex hose, a half-shirt and black knee high boots could look so breathtaking on a man of that stature. The porn stash and serial killer eyeglasses complete the look. Did he lose a bet?

The guy next to him clearly just got back from a Jazzercise class, or a bath house in San Francisco. And then there is Mr. Fabulous in the full body spandex jumpsuit with bejeweled collar. Of course no one is paying any attention to his collar because of the enormous "elephant-in-the-room" bulge fighting with all its might to break free of its spandex prison. As for his Afro? It makes Lionel Richie look like an amateur. The band also features a part-time boxer, a gigolo/extra from "Boogie Nights", a guy with epaulets the size of shovels a black polo player with graying beard, a.k.a. "the conservative one."

Clearly there was a time when we looked at these guys and didn't bat an eye. I can't help but wonder if 30 years in the future, my daughter will be pointing and laughing at me in a photo wearing my "boyfriend jeans" and long sleeve plain black Gap tee that I wear three times a week (when I'm not in drawstring sweats).

Incidentally, the Ohio Song that was playing while this picture flashed on the screen was called "Too Tight." Too tight indeed.

-Val

You Know You're Getting Old When...

• You share a birthday with "Sesame Street"
• You have a hot flash while Christmas Shopping for relatives in fu*cking "Hollister" (I'm never going there again)
• You wake up at 3 am with your very first hemorrhoid. Holy shit how do you people deal with multiple of these.
• You can't get out of a sports car without grunting, moaning and wincing with back pain

And so my 41st year begins!
-Paker

Where the Hell is My Butterfly Confetti?

It's no secret that Mariah Carey is a diva with crazy demands everywhere she goes. It might even be justified if it were say, 1995. But someone needs to remind Mariah that it's 2009, she is 40 and it's time to grow the fu*k up. First and foremost, she should start by eliminating all spandex mini dresses from her closet. Everyone knows that Heather Locklear is the only over-40 year old who can get away with spandex minis. But what really chaps my hide is her recent list of demands during a Christmas tree lighting in London. The fact that she is willing to do a Christmas Tree Lighting at a Westfield mall should be her first clue that high-priced demands might be unreasonable. But we all know that Mariah lives in a world of sparkle, butterflies and free flowing champagne, so it makes perfect sense that she demanded the following for her mall appearance:

• One hundred white doves and 20 white kittens surrounding her (health officials said no)
• Indoor fireworks display
• Pink Carpet and Pink Podium
• Sparkly wand (to wave at her minions?)
• 80 security guards
• Pink and white butterfly-shaped confetti
• $330,000 nightclub after-party, decorated with white roses, white drapes and vanilla candles
• A chauffeured Rolls Royce 
• $80,000 worth of Angel Champagne

You could cut this list in half and it still would be completely ridiculous. What the hell is "Angel Champagne" and can it possibly beat Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill in a taste test? Doesn't Mariah know that doves shit everywhere and kittens by nature are feral and at the first chance they get will make a run for the nearest 'Hot Topic', curl up and fall asleep in the "Team Edward" tee shirt bin? The sparkly magic wand I totally get because who wouldn't want a wand during an appearance at a mall?

Of course this got me thinking about all the demands I might have should someday I be lucky enough to be crowned master of ceremonies at a highway opening or the host a ribbon cutting ceremony at the local Quiznos. So, here it goes: Below are my dressing room/demands for any future appearances:

• A leopard-print Snuggie bedazzled with 5,000 Swarovski Crystals
• A 7-11 Slurpee Machine (with both Coca-Cola and Wild Cherry flavors)
• Neil Diamond's Greatest Hits and Men At Work's first album on constant rotation
• One unused, pristine "Inside the Egg Egg Scrambler" from Ronco (just to mess with them)
• A Sharper Image $3500 Massage Chair
• A bottle of Smirnoff Pomegranite Vodka (to mix with the Slurpee)

-Val
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Body Fusion Is My Kind of Workout

I've always despised exercise. And then I turned 40. I could probably eat nothing but celery and ice for a week and still gain weight, so I caved in and did what I've feared for years....started to exercise regularly. And while I have to admit I am actually starting to kind of like my daily 2-3 mile walks, if I had my druthers I would get in a time machine and head back to the eighties where working out was more about brightly colored leotards and matching leg warmers and making sure you pile a crapload of Ocean Blue Cover Girl eye shadow on before heading out to Jazzersize.

Anyhoo, below is one of my favorite SNL Digital Shorts from a few years ago. Because this is how exercise should be done.

Rollercoaster and the Dog Shit Navajo Project

Because it isn't enough that I spend approx 3 hours every night helping my middle school-aged children with their mind boggling homework (yet another reason why there are so many alcoholic mothers), yesterday Daniel came home and told me he has to build a mother-fricking "Rollercoaster" for science class. This seemed daunting but not totally impossible (visions of toothpicks and popsicle sticks immediately came to mind) that is until he added it had to be a working Rollercoaster at least a meter high and strong enough for a small marble to complete the course without stopping. Oh and lest we forget, he also needs to do a verbal presentation with the formulas and physics explaining how the marble is able to manuever around the PVC track and at what degree et.al.  I'm sorry, but can someone tell me when eighth graders became experts in transportation engineering?

All this "rollercoaster hoopla" brought me back to my oh-so-important Navajo presentation in the 4th grade. While my memory is a bit foggy I do know that it involved me working diligently for a week straight putting together some sort of mud and stick hut along with a 15 page construction paper masterpiece documenting the life of the Navajo people. I also remember the panic that overcame me when the morning it was due, the Safeway paperbag that I had carefully put the project in was nowhere to be seen. The panic turned to shock and disgust when my mom took a drag from her Marlboro Light and calmly told me that the day before she had scooped up the dog poop in the backyard and put it all in a paper bag. A short trip to the garbage cans and lo and behold, there was my project, buried under a week's worth of our FOUR German Shepherd's dog shit. When you are in 4th grade and your project is buried under a pile of dog doo-doo, its practically the end of the world. Sure the mature approach would have been to have my mom write a note to the teacher and re-do the entire project, but the threat of turning it in late was too much to bear. Mom put down her cigarrette long enough to wipe off the poop with a moist paper towl (I can still see the grease spots that tainted my beautiful Navajo report) while I ran reconnaissance by getting her Price Club sized bottle of White Shoulders and spraying the bejesus out of that project. I think I got a "B".