F#*k, its that time of year again, filled with more useless shit I don't need. Without sounding too Bah Humbug, I so want to say, "Hey everyone, DW and I aren't getting you any gifts and we don't want anything in return, so Feliz Navidad and see ya in 2010," while we high tail it to the One and Only Palmilla Resort in Cabo or even just hide out in our master bedroom and channel Priscilla and Elvis for a week and just lay in bed. Since we don't have kiddos and everyone else does, we are somewhat ass-whipped by it all and I know it's around the corner when those dreaded spread sheets from whatever junk my-little-Johnnie is selling shows up at our office.

My first purchase has been from a co-workers daughter for a can of Gummi Bears (everything else in the catalog was chocolate candy with the least cocoa content allowed by the FDA.) The Gummi Bears arrived and were actually tasteless and not "gummi" at all. Now really, how can you f- up a Gummi Bear?

Next up, wrapping paper from my nieces and nephews. Finally, something useful although more than likely the thickness of tissue paper. If I'm paying $16 for a roll of wrapping paper, it better be the thickness of a 2x4.

Yesterday, I was handed the piece de resistance  from a co-worker: a catalog of faux Yankee Candles her daughter is selling; as if the real Yankee candles aren't bad enough. She actually had smelling samples, the least offensive of which happened to be, "Apple Streusel". As I signed my order I noticed that my piece of shit vomit tart smelling candle will burn for 75 hours...Super.

Most of the people that I buy holiday "goodies" from support me clerically so saying "no" isn't really an option. So instead, here's a message to the people that come up with this shit to sell: I don't need a 5 pound tub of frozen cookie dough, a nitrate injected sausage log or fruit cake in any form. Put an Alessi Cheese Grater in the catalog for crying out loud. A Diptique Tuberose Candle would be lovely. Williams Sonoma frozen croissants perhaps?  These things I will gladly pay for. A wisk with a snowman handle? Not so much.
-Parker