One Thumb Up...One Thumb Down (way down)

I often fantasize about being a judge on one of my favorite shows, "The Iron Chef." While Val is transfixed by "Hoarders", I am much more into the porn for fat people channel known as The Food Network. I would be a shitty judge however, and with a mouthful of food say deep things like "Mmmmm, good", "Sooo yummy", "Parker like", and maybe something as creative as "Bobby, your Chile Rellano Three Ways is totally orgasmic."

My point to this is that after seeing the movie "Valentine's Day", I'm not really sure how to review it other than to say "Not Good" and "Too Long". I was intrigued by the star-studded cast, but this film is no Robert Altman's "The Player." I kept thinking "thank god I am with my sister and niece because DW would have killed me had I taken him to see this like the time I took him to see "Fossi!" in New York. DW and "jazz hands" are not a good combo. To top things on the way to "Fossi" I left my 20-minute old $500 new sunglasses that DW had just bought me in the cab. In hindsight, I deserved that for spending $500 on sunglasses in the first place.

"Valentine's Day" takes place in LA and having grown up there, seeing certain scenes were very nostalgic. ALso nostalgic was seeing Jessica Beil and Jennifer Garner's bony asses up there on the screen - reminding me of the days when I too could wear designer beaded sleeveless dresses without fear of a pucker or blue vein creeping out. Julia Robert's plays a soldier on leave flying home. Uggg, really? Julia Roberts as a soldier? I later learned that she got paid millions of dollars for her 6 minutes of film time and Oscar worthy lines such as, "That stewardess is flirting with you."

Before the movie started they showed a preview for "Sex and the City 2." While I do love all things Sex and the City, I had to laugh out loud when one particular scene shows the girls walking in line as they always do in the trendy streets of NY but this time they are donning their runway looks in the middle of the desert in Morocco with no civilization in sight (aside from a random camel here and there). I guess they figure Cabo San Lucas was too pedestrian for the sequel. Is it "The Hurt Locker" or "Sex and the City 2"?

On the other end of the spectrum "The Hurt Locker" is an amazing, riveting film and possibly the most realistic and thought provoking war related movie I have ever seen. Two thumbs way up for "The Hurt Locker". Valentine's Day? Not so much.

-Parker