Today is like Christmas for us! The Tiger Wood's press conference just ended and it is full of such great fodder that we couldn't get to the computer fast enough. Here it goes:
First of all, we're pretty sure Tiger has been replaced by a robot. He's literally the black Max Headroom. He should be painted in silver and doing the "robot dance" as he speaks. He could have at least conjured up a crocodile tear or a quivering bottom lip for effect. While he did a half-assed apology to his wife, children, sponsors (i.e. please keep paying me millions Nike), and the children of the world, what he should have said was, "I wanted as much Puntang as I could get and I got it while the getting was good. I'm only sorry that my Playah-ass got caught." Then he somehow brought Buddhism into the picture - because Buddha will make you stop chasing the pussy, Tiger. Somehow towards the end of his speech he became the "victim". Wahhh - you should have thought of that before you fucked everything in sight. If his wife does go back to him (a 19-carat diamond ring and a condo in St. Barts is definitely in order) she should consider wrapping her entire body in Saran Wrap before making any physical contact with him. And by the way, we don't care what he says, Elin totally whipped his ass with the golf club.
After the press conference, I couldn't get to the computer fast enough. There is literally smoke coming off the keyboard because I am typing so fast (Parker is texting me faster than a 13 year old girl). But just when I thought the goodness was over, Gloria Allred and a porn star in a hideous wig from the Raquel Welch collection immediately followed with their own press conference - demanding an apology from Tiger. Oh my god, this is simply magical! I almost spit out my morning Pepsi because it was so comical. I want to listen but am simply mesmerized by her wig, conservative oxford shirt and DDD boobs. Listen up slut, you deserve an apology like Charlie Manson deserves parole. Tiger Woods didn't love you - he loved your easy, free coochie. Now she is claiming that she gave up her "Porn Career" because Tiger was going to be with her forever, and here come the tears. I've got an idea: How about you apologize for being a opportunistic, scum of the earth? Tiger probably doesn't even remember your name. She deserves a Razzie for this performance and Gloria Allred needs to have her license pulled, stat.
Update: Here is the amazing press conference, which is soooo much more entertaining than Tiger's lame apology (fast forward to about the 4-minute mark for some top-notch acting):
-Parker & Val