Chef Boy-R-You A Jackass

I'm A BIG JACKASS!!!!!

So you may or may not have heard this story about chef Juan Carlos-Cruz (aka The Calorie Commando) who was recently arrested after plotting to kill his wife. Personally, because my cooking capacity goes no further than Taco Night and a mean Kraft Macaroni and Cheese - I had never heard of the "Calorie Commando" (also, counting calories has never been my thing). Apparently this dude has (or had) a show on the food network (I really need to defer to Parker on this one as she is the real "foodie" in this friendship). However, when you live in Southern California, the news revolves around 1) live car chases 2) celebrity gossip and 3) wife-killing plots. So naturally I can't escape this story.

According to several Los Angeles news sources, Calorie Commando (who I have aptly nicknamed "Chef Boy-R-You a Jackass") approached a few local homeless dudes, and offered them a whopping $1000 to slash his wife's throat with a box cutter. I guess he didn't want to part with his prized chef's cleaver. The kicker is that he gave the homeless guy $500 up front and showed him a photo of the remaining $500 he'd get after the job was done. Everyone knows that if you show someone a photo of money it means you are good for it. He also provided the homeless man with a pre-paid cellphone  - did he at least cook up some low-calorie Carne Asada burritos for the dude?

Needless to say, Chef Dum Dum got caught and he is now claiming that his wife had been despondent for years over her infertility and he was only fulfilling her suicidal wishes and was going to kill himself after her murder. Because that always-convincing "Romeo and Juliet" defense works every time! Personally, I get a little depressed now and then, but that doesn't mean I want my husband to hire a toothless smelly dude to slice my neck with a box cutter. Wouldn't the whopping $1000 be better put to use on a therapist for your sad wife, or maybe a cheap divorce lawyer?

Needless to say the "Calorie Commando" is going to have a lot of time contemplating his stupidity while his jailhouse roommate, the "Butthole Commando" goes to town on his low-calorie ass.