Wednesday, August 18, 2010

What Happens in Vegas...Isn't always that exciting

I've never been a big fan of Las Vegas - but I just got back from a family vacation where I learned just how much Vegas I can actually take before I am headed down to the "Pawn Stars" store to trade in a flash of my boobies for a pistol so that I can threaten all those tourists to walk faster or die.  I used to go to Vegas in college, back when I had disposable income and Vegas only had about 11 hotels on the strip. Nowadays you can't get from point A to point B without getting stuck behind the slowest, fattest person wearing jean shorts, fanny-pack and a giant Vegas cocktail bong, wielding a Kodak disposable camera and walking at at the pace of a sloth on Valium.

Here are a few highlights from my family trip to Vegas:

  • Day One:
    •  Have spent $470 on 4 "Beatles Love" tickets. The show was AMAZING and well worth the price. However, before I saw the show I considered myself to be a pretty flexible, but after seeing a 90 lb girl spinning from a bungie cord with one leg behind her head, I realized that I am about as flexible as Buzz Aldrin during his stint on "Dancing with the Stars." Seriously I had my mouth wide open during most of it thinking "How the F*&;k can they do that and not land on their face? As soon as the show was over, my son and I looked at each other and simultaneously said, "Sorry about the lack of talent."
    • Later that night, my 12 year old daughter dropped her new iPhone 4 in the toilet at the Bellagio hotel. She had been saving up for 2 years to get that new phone and naturally it took all of 4 days to completely destroy it in a commode. When she dropped it - she let out a mutated sound not unlike a coyote, dying a slow death in he desert. I'm pretty sure she would have been less upset if someone had hacked off her arm with a chain saw or if her family were all killed in an airline crash. We tried everything to fix it-but that phone is toast. 
  • Day Two: 
    • Take kids to traveling "Titanic Museum." For $90 - I was half expecting that I would at least be escorted through the exhibit by Leo DiCaprio himself. That didn't happen but I did see some amazing artifacts including articles of clothing, letters, jewelry and a giant chunk of the actual ship on display. I also got in trouble by the 80-year-old museum worker/Titanic Sheriff who busted me on the faux promenade deck while I was talking on my Blackberry (this shit doesn't go over well when you are at a past-timey exhibit). Also shelled out $4 for a family pic of me and the kids posing on the famous titanic staircase (again - not even a hologram of Leo Dicaprio's ghost floating in the background for posterity). Shelled out an additional $20 for a dime-sized chunk of coal recovered from the ship. My daughter was excited at the time, but I'm pretty sure it will end up in the bottom of a closet in about 3 days. You can expect to see that Titanic Coal for sale on EBay in early 2011 with a starting bid at $1.
    • Head over to Hard Rock Hotel to check out some music memorabilia with my son. Saw a few cool things, like a broken Pete Townsend guitar and Sid Vicious' chain and lock necklace. Most odd were some of the costumes worn by Micheal Jackson, David Bowie and Prince. Michael and David Bowie had some amazingly bad 80's-ere costumes that looked like they had been made to fit Lara Flynn Boyle. Those men were a size "00" before there even was a "00". Don't even get me started on Prince's costume. Had I actually tried on Prince's outfit, I'm pretty sure that every ounce of muscle and fat would have shot thru that garment so fast it would have probably spontaneously combusted. I must admit though, that I could probably carry off Madonna's bustier and girdle that she wore the the 1996 Cannes Film Festival.
    •  Head back to hotel to order room service. We enjoy a plethora of delicious treats from the Room Service menu. As a consciousness traveler I decided to help by rolling out the dirty room service out the door when we were done. Naturally the table hit a bump and slid at a 40 degree angle, while dish after dish slowly crashed below on the marble floor. I not only killed about 6 plates, 3 glasses, a soup bowl, 3 Ketchup bottles and pepper shaker  - I also made sure to spill the French onion soup so that it landed in every tight crevice along the wallpaper and cracks in the floor, insuring room 3207 will forever smell like really bad breath or one of Shrek's farts. 
  • Day Three:
    • I wasn't aware there was a place called "M&M World" until my daughter insisted that this was the hotspot we needed to be at. M&M World was clearly designed by some greedy mad bastard whose genius concept of a 4-story shop filled with every color of M&M known to man (for a good deal at $12.99 per pound) along with 4,0000 other M&M gadgets including dispensaries, hats, book, cards and the ever-popular "Nascar inspired"M&M floor. Because nothing says you are devoted to a race team like a vinyl Nascar jacket with the Red and Blue M&M guys holding wrenches. But what I really learned when you go to a place called "M&M World" is that you don't want to show up there unless you have an electric shocking device (a taser might work) to get the shufflers out of your way. Las Vegas is overgrown with "Shufflers": they have the whole day to kill, a $20 burning a whole in their pocket and are ready to shuffle thru M&M World like the floor was made of quicksand. Even my daughter looked over at me and said she was close to actually murdering one or 2 people in M&M world if they didn't get out of her freaking way. I concurred. 
    • After M & M world. I felt I needed a little culture and headed back to the Bellagio hotel pool for some sunning (I mean searing). After being confronted with having to watch a 14 year old boy making out with a possibly 10 or 11 year old girl in the pool, I started to feel icky. Turns out they were Europeon, which I guess means making out at age 10 in a hotel pool is a rite of passage. My other concern was whether or not they were brother or sister....I guess I'll never know.
Sure, there was a time not that long ago where the Casinos would have wooed me in with the "Sex in the City" slot machines or the ever-hot 'John Wayne Video Poker Machine', but as I get older I tend to like to keep my money in my pockets and keep a good 3 feet distance from anyone with a fannypack smoking a Marlboro. I guess what I'm saying is What Happens in Vegas can just stay time I'll be in Hawaii.

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