American Idol is Killing Me Softly with it's Song

I've been an American Idol fan since season 1 and, as a die-hard couch potato, I will probably continue to watch long after the original hosts are gone and it is a sad hollowed-out shell of a show hosted by Hall & Oates, Samantha Fox and the lead singer from Color Me Bad.

But something is really missing so far this season and I can't quite put my finger on it. I tried to watch last night, I really did. But it was (insert English accent here): "dreadfully boring" to say the least. If I wanted to listen to tortured college aged singers strumming their guitars during open mike night at the local coffee house.....well that would just never happen, but you get the drift. Sure, Crystal Bowersox has some chops and once they give her some ultra white Chiclet teeth she might even have some star power. But, in my humble opinion, there aren't any real power players in the bunch. Ironically, immediately after Idol, Fox played a repeat from last season's "Glee" which made me wonder, "why can't they get someone of that caliber to be on Idol?"

At least last year they had Adam Lambert and Alison Iri-something-or-other, who both could belt out the tunes like they were on fire. Maybe its still too early in the season to tell. Perhaps there is a hidden Lady GaGa or Freddy Mercury somewhere in the bunch. But in the meantime, American Idol is killing me softly with its song(s).

Reality Round up: Idol is Back

So last night at 5 pm I get a text from Parker that said, "I totally have the same body as the first American Idol contestant." Anyone who has ever met Parker knows that this isn't true, but when the first girl came on, I could totally relate. This girl was not fat, but she was slightly thick and soft, possibly hyped up on Sudafed, and to make matters worse, thought it was appropriate to wear Mom Jeans paired with a pink half shirt from the Britney Spears 1991 "Hit Me Baby One More Time" collection at Wal Mart. To make matters worse, she insisted on jumping up and down a good 75% of the time - which made her muffin top jiggle like crazy (I can say this because I can put on a jogging bra, my faded glory Lee Jeans from 1994, jump up and down and I am that woman's body double).

Speaking of bad wardrobe decisions, Can someone please explain to me what some of these contestants are thinking the morning of the audition when they open up their closet and say to themselves, "OK, Idol Auditions today. I think I'll go with the stirrup pants and size XS tank top. Make up? Nah, why bother. I mean It's not like I might be on television in front of millions of people or anything. " Look, I'm not saying that everyone needs to go on a Neiman Marcus shopping spree beforehand, but for the love of ghaad, slap on a little lip gloss or a shirt from this century (I'm talking to you glitter-vest-wearing, El Debarge-hair, Micheal Jackson loving guy). Hell, I went to a taping of American Idol and even I got my hair did and managed to put on a pair of high heels and lipstick. Good thing, too because that $40 blow out and wine colored lipstick got me in the front row of the pit and a good 2 seconds of on-air time that I'm still getting recognized for (you can read about it here).

That being said, here are some of our thoughts, in short about the season premiere of American Idol:

• Victoria Beckham: Holy Christ, she is thin. If either one of us walked in and saw her sitting there we would be too busy sucking in our stomach to even get a single note out.


• Did anyone else notice Randy Jackson's plastic red watch? Did he pull it out of his box of Capn' Crunch that morning? The ironic part is that that stupid plastic watch probably cost more than most people make in a month.


• What was the deal with the angry bespectacled John Hinkley contestant, who most surely will return for a live taping and shoot Kara from the back row? Also, is there some special store that most of us aren't privy to that sells Eye Glasses from the Serial Killer Collection by Foster Grants? If so, I'm pretty sure that guy is a customer.

And, for those of that who missed it, below is "Contestant #1" (i.e. Parker and Val's demure and ladylike "Body Double").

Suck it Subway!

Despite Subway spending a gazillion dollars marketing their "$5 Footlong" and now some "$2.99 Bullshit Sandwich", I never seem to get out of there for less than ten bucks. WTF? They must charge $5 for extra meat (aka two slices of salami on the otherwise healthy 6 inch regular turkey sub I always order). And while I'm bitching, "Did I ask for shredded lettuce (brown Easter grass) on my sub or dollops of fois gras terrine?" I continue on an almost daily-basis to let Subway ass-rape me with their rip off sandwiches. If Jared was there I would throw my $2.89 ice tea on his chubby weak chin face.

Ahh...I feel better now.

Speaking of getting ass-raped (price wise) I had to follow in Val's cougar footsteps and forked out $80 to see the American Idol Tour later this week in Dallas (where there will definitely be "Cougars a plenty"). Val has already warned me that the light show will give me a migraine similar to the one I got after watching "Spy Kids 3-D" with my niece and nephew. She also informed me the best time to get my nacho fix is when Anoop belts out Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative".

I figure seeing Allison live and Adam singing a David Bowie song will be worth it. If not, there is always the goodness of a $6 Arena Draft beer in a wax cup.

-Parker

American Idol: Part Deux

Because being inches from the stage at an actual taping of American Idol a few weeks back wasn't enough, my daughter and I decided that we needed more Idol action and purchased tickets for the "Idols on Tour" concert at Staples Center. Yesterday was the big day and here are a few highlights of our "American Idol Experience: Part Deux":

• You never know when you'll hit a traffic jam in LA, so we left a 3 1/2 hours early only to arrive at Staples Center a whopping 2 1/2 hours early. The good news is we were able to park curbside within 100 feet of the entrance to the Staples Center for the bargain basement price of $25. The bad news: trying to avoid backing over a gaggle of 50 year old women wearing "I Love Gokey" tee shirts when the concert was over.

• I took a picture with my Blackberry (or was it a high-powered Olympus?) which I emailed to Parker to show her our seats. I also took some video and I might as well filmed the Poltergeist television. Hey Blackberry: Thanks for the great phone camera and video quality on the new "Storm" phone (photo result below):

• As much as I was expecting a complete cheesefest, the show was actually amazingly produced and a vocal coach has clearly gotten their hands on some of the contestants (i.e Oil Rig Guy, Tattoo Sleeve girl, and Blind Guy - actually he still sounded like the guy from Mike and the Mechanics).

• The show opened with Oil Rig Guy (Michael) who actually had a great voice, but sang Country songs, which were completely lost on me. Midway through his twangy twang I totally came to the realization that just a little over a week ago, Michael Jackson's solid gold casket was sitting right in front of the stage and I couldn't help but be distracted by a vision of dead Michael laying there as the Oil Rig guy rocked on.

• The light show was not unlike being at a three hour rave while on acid (not that I would know) and by the time Gokey made it onstage I had to sit in my chair and massage my temples through his entire rendition of Michael Jackson's PYT: Pretty Young Thing. Sorry Gokey, MJ did it much better - please stick with the bluesy songs.

• Note to anyone attending a large indoor concert: Please get your goddamned Nachos, Wieners, Beer, Wetzel Pretzels et al. before the show begins. Holy Crap I've never seen so many people maneuver up and down stadium stairs for a trayfull of $8 Oscar Meyer Wieners in my life. Mid way thru the concert I wanted so badly to scream "get your snacks and move on losers! Move On!" Secondly, if you are a man, please (for the love of god) don't douse yourself with Axe body spray when you know you are going to be surrounded by people squished tighter than a full Southwest Airlines flight. Thank god the lady on the other side of us had a Pretzel-wrapped-hot-dog with relish (and nacho dipping sauce) to mask the stench. Meanwhile, I can proudly say that the Staples Center had several FULL bars, a ton of Concession stands (including a California Pizza Kitchen) AND a Margarita Stand - and I stayed clear of it all!

• Allison and Adam made the price of admission ($80 per ticket, yikers!) completely worth while. When Adam came onstage, I immediately thought, "Holy dragqueen, I haven't seen that much turquoise eye shadow since my senior yearbook picture." If there was ever any doubt about Adam's "sexuality" while the show was on, he cleared it up for us last night (he was over-the-top greatness). Adam reminded me of a modern-day Freddy Mercury with a Be-dazzler. I have to be honest and say, Adam and Allison are the true talents of the bunch and have a ton of charisma and they rocked the place hard (even though I was near seizure from the constant Rave Lights by this point).

• Kris (the closing act) was pretty darn impressive in a boy next door on ludes kind of way. He closed the show with Hey Jude (again quite good - but don't mess with a Paul McCartney song). As he finished, I was ready to make a beeline to my car, but not before the entire cast came out and completely murdered a Journey song.

-VAL

Adam Lambert Dodged A Bullet

That's right Kris, your jaw should be agape, because you didn't deserve to win. Sure he's a good singer and seems like a nice enough guy, but the Idol title should have gone to Adam (and I think Kris knows it).

That being said, let's be honest. Adam dodged a bullet, and by "bullet" I mean he now won't be required to record that horrendous verbal diarrhea song about hurricanes and mountains. Sadly Kris and Adam did NOT dodge that bullet known as the pale blue "Ford Fusion" that they both "won?" for being the finalists. When Adam got into his Ford and said "It's beautiful" what he was really thinking was "When I get home I am so bedazzling the shit out of this piece of junk." 

With the season over, we are definitely going to have to come up with some new timely topics to bitch about. And so, my quest to attend a taping of Season 14 begins........

Idol Is Dead To Me (not really)

Below is an actual excerpt from a texting conversation  between me and Parker on Wed night. (note: Parker lives in Texas and therefore gets to watch Idol a whopping  2 hours before I get the "Live" feed in California).

Parker: "I'm so sad crying right now can't tell  u why"

Val: "Why can't you tell me, cutie? What's wrong????" 

Parker: "No. Too upset"

Val: "Wait - does this have something to do with Idol? Or is it something serious?"

Parker: "It IS Idol. And it is Serious"

Val: "Shit - Allison is going  home, isn't she???"

Parker: "Can't say. Just can't stop crying..... D.W. is actually getting worried about me. I better get my period soon."

The Next day.......

Val: "Are you over the Allison debacle? Jesus, is it the death of Simon LeBon or Allison getting voted off Idol? But you are right - Allison was robbed." 

Parker: "Right now I hate Danny Gokey, his scratchy voice and his stupid glasses."

Val: "Harsh. Do you hate  his deceased wife too?"

Parker: "I think I'm going to go online buy an Allison tee shirt."

Val: "You're a Winner"

Parker: "Total winner"

Idol Thoughts: Rock N Roll Hoochie Coo

Parker's Thoughts:

1. I'm madly in love with Alison and Adam and may throw my remote at the TV if they don't go to the finale together.
2. Someone needs to tie Kara up and feed her a Fried Shrimp Po-Boy with extra mayo stat. She has become more alien-lollipop-faced each week. I saw her once on an interview saying that she "once had an eating disorder." No Shit, Sherlock. 
3. I will say Kara has required Paula to up her game and stay off her meds this year. She has yet to think that someone sang twice when they have only gone once. Impressive!
4. Danny Gokey (aka Robert Downey Jr. without the edge) murdered Aerosmith - although he thought he did great.

Val's Thoughts:

1. Is it wrong that I actually like Adam's version of "Whole Lotta Love" better than the Led Zepplin rendition? (Side note: I once saw Led Zepplin lead singer Robert Plant at a hotel I worked at and he looked like a homeless dude on a 7-day crack binge. I'm just saying)
2. I'm pretty sure that I purchased Paula's gold-plated star-with-attached-rainbow earrings at Contempo Casuals back in 1984. I paid a whopping $14.95 for those little fu**kers. (Today you can probably buy them from Paula's Home Shopping Network collection for $39.99). (Side note; I once saw Paula Abdul at a TGI Fridays wearing a hideous Bustier and ordering the E-Coli Chicken Salad. Again, I'm just saying). 
3. Speaking of Paula: She just came out in Redbook (or some other Menopausal magazine) saying that up until last November, she had a raging painkiller addiction. No Shit Sherlock, indeed.
4. Slash: Umm...Thanks for all the warm fuzzies and good advice, Slash. Don't hold back now. While you're at it Mr. "Wordsmith", have another hit of heroin and a shot of Jack Daniel's.
5. The Duet with Danny and Kris: Hey Danny, you might want to put on your contacts before belting out Styx's "Renegade". Those metro sexual glasses from LensCrafters are so NOT Rock N' Roll.
6. Hmmm... Is it Kris Allen or Mick Jagger? Kris is cute but has about as much Rock N' Roll stage presence as a dry biscuit. (Sorry Kris).
7. Danny Gokey Does Aerosmith: First of all, say it don't spray it, Danny. Nice rocker outfit. Is he a freaking beeper salesman circa 1992? JC Penney pinstripe pant/vest ensemble: $49.99. Vintage purple oxford from Chess King: $19.99. Handcuff chain necklace from Spencer: $16.99.  Sounding like you are being put feet-first into a wood chipper during the last note of Aerosmith's "Dream On": Priceless.
8. Alison and Adam's Duet: AMAZING. Of course Foghat always sounds great after 3 Vodka cocktails.

Idol Goes Country - and I Go Comatose

So last night I abstained from the St. Patrick's day beer-drinking marathon (actually, I haven't celebrated St. Patrick's day since 1991), got into my most comfortable sweat pants and turned on American Idol, only to discover it was "Country" night. Uggh. Sorry, but I've just never been a fan of the whole Jamboree scene. Despite my hatred for country music, I endured (because the options were listening to Jewel's snaggletooth yodel song on "Dancing with the Stars" or a torturous episode of "NCIS".

I can only imagine the reaction of those poor innocent contestants when Randy Travis walked into the rehearsal room to give them advice. First of all, I'm no expert but I'm guessing Randy hasn't had a hit since most of these kids were still in diapers and imagine that not one of them knew who he was. Had I been a contestant I'd think the producers had sent in the Cryptkeeper (with a great set of fake teeth) as my musical coach for the week. Someone from the Craft Services table needed to stage an intervention stat and bring Mr. Travis a tuna club on a hoagie roll before he collapsed from malnutrition. Also, did anyone catch his eye-candy of a wife in the audience? She looked like she'd rather be sitting naked on a chair made of glass chards watching a live execution then sitting through Adam Lambert singing "Ring of Fire" set to the soothing sound of an Indian Sitar.

-val

The Sofa Dance

The producers at American Idol are genius! All night I worried about how blind Scott would make it through the dancing musical number with the other 12 contestants but someone (Debbie Allen, Paula Abdul herself?) choreophed a dance in which he barely had to shake his grove thing thereby preventing a horrible accident. Who'd a thunk Scott could perform something as amazing and entertaining as that hot sofa dance while he flailed his arms carelessly about?

Now that he's moved on to the final 12 - what clever ideas will they think of next for the oh-so-anticipated dance numbers? I pedict they put him on a stripper pole where he can spin and twirl to his hearts delight without fear of falling into the orchestra pit. Oh, and those little monsters better be singing the Brady Bunch hit "Sunshine Day" while he works that pole.

Meanwhile my crush (aka Jorge, aka Antonio Banderas in "Philadelphia", aka Madonna's boyfriend with a lazy eye) also made it through and no surprise here, Lil Round Ass (as Parker has nicknamed her) continue on.

The Wild Card Round starts in just a few hours (out here on the West Coast) and naturally they brought back the Tatiana for some authentic tears and Oscar winning drama. When she is done with Idol, she could totally get a gig on Passions (is that even still on the air?) I'm sure I'll have more to say tomorrow.
-val

Idol Chatter

If the blind guy (who sang  Bruce Hornsby's "Mandolin Rain" one of my most hated songs ever) makes it through to the top 12, how will he get through all those Brady Bunch Choreographed numbers that they force the contestants to do every week? Will he be able to do the hand-jive with his white cane? Can they give him a German Shepherd to walk him through the electric slide moves that go so well with "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go?" God, those numbers should be illegal, they are worse than Fraternity Hazing and way more humiliating.

• I loved that Nathanial sang Meatloaf's "I Would Do Anything for Love - But I Won't Do That" and by "that" I'm guessing he meant go within 10 feet of a vagina. Still a sweet kid - with the fashion sense of someone who became blind circa 1982 and still loves the night life.

Was it really necessary for them to humiliate Alex the way they did? Don't get me wrong, I love to see people get humiliated on national TV as much as the next guy, but he was on the verge of tears, and my peri-menopausal hormones could barely take the anguish. I've always been a sucker for the nerdy underdog types.

When the Puerto Rican, Jorge, started to sing an Elton John song, I screamed "Dios Mio don chu sing Elton wit a Puerto Rican accent!" I was prepared to hate him, but then he got all crocodile tear-eyed (and one eye is lazy to boot) and I kind of fell in love a little  - like he was a puppy  at the pound (or Antonio Banderas in the movie "Philadelphia".) 

Michael Goodwonder will haunt my dreams

No other show is able to exploit the losers of the world quite like American Idol. Naturally the producers saw gold when the discovered this guy during the Kansas City tryouts. I love the fact that even though he is 20 years old (and a sandwich maker by trade - a total catch) he wore a tarnished medal with a music note that he received in elementary school for "best vocalizing".

Hey, I got a 4th place ribbon in Vault back in 1979 during  a summer gymnastics class. Damn! I should have pinned that ribbon to a leotard and showed up for the Beijing Olympic tryouts. 

But there's something about young Mr. Goodwonder that gets to me. Is it his torn Fruit of the Loom tee shirt, autographed by all his high school friends? Maybe his butter-colored locks styled like Jim Carrey's  character Lloyd in "Dumb and Dumber"? His pearly whites? His wicked "vocalizing" skills? And who could help but shed a tear when he belted out that amazing original song he wrote for his mom. I guess I'm just a sucker for a Momma's boy. 

-Val

Slap me some skin my blind brother

Naturally I got sucked into the full two hours of American Idol (and naturally I loved every last minute). While I loved the crying rocker, high pitched high school geek (there's one every year) and the guy with the giant Afro who sported all the latest dance moves, perhaps the highlight of the night was when Ryan Seacrest tried to high five a blind dude. 

I think Ryan was probably just testing to see if he was really blind: like that Brady Bunch episode where this old grumpy guy sues Mrs. Brady because he "says" he hurt his neck when she rear-ended him, but then Mr. Brady throws his briefcase down on the courtroom floor really loudly and the guy in the neck brace turns around all of the sudden, proving that his injury was a fake. Now we know why Ryan makes the big bucks.

Reality Roundup: Rock of Sickos

I started to watch "Rock of Love Tour Bus" on Sunday night but after one of the girls started pretend performing fellatio on another girl while onstage with Brett, I had to turn it off. A glutton for punishment, yesterday I turned on my DVR and attempted to watch the rest of it. Holy Shit, what happened the night before was nothing compared to the rest of it. Long story short, Brett and all his skanks were in a bar and one girl lies on the bar (SPOILER ALERT: She is panty-free) and another lovely lady announces she is "horny" and proceeds to do a slippery-nipple shot from panty-free girl's va-jay-jay. Obviously, VH1 couldn't even show the logistics and I'm not even sure myself how that might work, but needless to say it might be the most disgusting thing in reality television  history (yes, even more disgusting than when that big fat girl took a dump on Flavor Flave's classy purple carpeted staircase.) I still have the episode on TIVO, but seriously if my husband Tom catches me watching it, he might just file for divorce (and I don't know if I'd blame him). After watching that "whore show" (misspelling intended), I think back to everything I ever did in college and realize that I was a god damned saint. 

On a lighter note, Sanjaya's album drops in 2 weeks! The cover art is to die for. But, if I'm being perfectly honest, I can't wait for American Idol, because I cannot watch another episode of "Rock of Love Bus: Chlamydia on Wheels."

Idle Chatter about Idol: It's Complicated

To: Val@cookingmacandcheese.com

From:Parker@watchingidol.com

Re: Idol & White Man's Kryptonite (Denise Richards)

Watching the Idol "Finally" (Finale). So glad that David C. won as I'm not sure I could take a media blitz of David Archuleta's blank stares and lightning quick answers to all those tough questions that would have been thrown at him. First star sighting of the night was Janice Dickinson sitting front row (alongside her dealer, no doubt).  Carrie Underwood came out in basically a white double breasted jacket and heels. I sat (lay) there in my  JCrew tee with holes and baked bean juice stains as she sang (no big  surprise here) about whiskey, honkey tonk bars and one night stands. I was completely mesmerized by her Barbie-sized legs. The whole thing made me feel like Roseanne in those pictures from Vanity Fair ages ago where she was wrestling with Tom Arnold in the mud. 

By the way, have you seen Denise Richards all over the talk shows talking about Charlie Sheen's sperm? Holy 'White Man's Kryptonite', she has 2 kids and should really keep her BriteSmile trap shut. Sperm or no sperm, she is one unstable bitch. Either way it's good stuff and you guessed it, "Complicated".

To: Parker@watchingidol.com

From: Val@helpingwithhomework.com

RE: Idol & White Man's Kryptonite

Yes, I have seen Denise "Don't want no Sheen Sperm" Richards making her rounds. How can such little brain power produce so much entertainment? My Tivo will be working overtime this weekend between her new "Complicated" show and "Living Lohan."

Was it me or did George Micheal leave you with a creepy, dirty feeling after he sang on Idol? What I really want to know is  how did he get his hands  on my moms Foster Grants from 1979? She must have left them in a park bathroom stall in London at 3 am. 

I wonder if David Archuleta's dad is going to Kick His Ass for not winning?

Idol Gonna Knock You Out: Thoughts on Idol, Star and Fat Asses

To: Parker@sellingradio.com

From: Val@makingbeds.com

RE: Idol, Star, etc....

P:

I voted for David Cook last night although I know "Archie" will win. Yeah us! Now we get to see his winning personality and gift for gab all over the news for the next week. God, I hated David A.'s choice for the songwriting competition -  it sounded like track #12 off a Christian Pop Rock CD.

Also, what was up with that crazy boxing analogy? Is it Mike Tyson or David Archuleta? Those shots of them hanging down by the pier (as boxers often do) and the quick "360-degree" camera angles where ridiculous. 

Last night as soon as "Sorry 2000 lbs" Ruben came out, this alarm in our house went off. It sounded like someone put a firetruck smack down in the middle of our living room. It went off intermittently for a good 45 minutes until we tracked it down some bullhorn device in the air vent. Tom (I mean McGyver) eventually disassembled the device, thank god because my heart practically stopped beating every time it went off. Plus it made me miss Ruben's song and dance (sans dance) in front of the hokey Idol montage. I hate it when an alarm you didn't know you had goes off!

PS: 

Here's a preview of this weeks upcoming Scrumpdedelicious STAR magazinze. You are right - between the STAR, the premier of "Living Lohan" and Denise Richard's show "Its Complicated" (because it IS complicated) this weekend seems more like Christmas than Memorial day.  I soo love when magazines do that beach body shit. Because Reese Witherspoon really does deserve a "worst" vote. I'm surebert.