I'm An Idiot: Turn OFF the TV

I feel so ashamed and dirty - kind of like I danced in my bra on a bartop at a biker bar after too many shots of tequila. 

Why? I did the unthinkable (ok, it was actually quite thinkable): I sat through the entire 2 HOURS of "I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Outta Here" last night. In my defense my husband was totally enabling me the entire time. While he usually shames me into changing the station during the worst of the worst reality shows (i.e. Real Housewives of Anywhere or Celebrities on Ice) he actually sat next to me throughout the entire show and at one point (during Spencer Pratt's tantrum over Heidi's self-labeled dry shampoo) said, "Geez, I might even start watching this show." 

I don't want to spend too much time on this crapfest, because if we pay too much attention, Heidi and Spencer "win" (in the world of shameless PR) and we can't have that. Today it was revealed that the two (clearly the most obnoxious people on the planet) couldn't handle being so far away from the Chateau Marmont's patio bar and their selection of hair products and are on a plane back to LA. Way to stick  it out for charity a**holes. All I can say is when they return I hope Spencer gets a "five star" ass-kicking.

Thank god for Janice Dickinson and the two crazy Baldwin brothers (as Daniel Baldwin will be replacing Spencer) because unless someone has a jungle meltdown real quick I am totally tuning out.

-Val

There's an Empty Space In My Heart every Tuesday Night

Last night, with no American Idol, I found myself completely at a loss. I actually went to bed at 8:00. I feel like I'm missing a limb (and by "limb" I am referring to the weekly cheesy antics of 13 crazy little singing rascals who are gone from my life forever - because let's face it, most of them don't have much of a future). 

I did watch a little bit of The Real Housewives of New Jersey (a sure sign that I've hit rock bottom) and while I just can't get into it, I am mesmerized by Danielle, the plastic-faced 45-year old cougar who brings to mind shades of Audrey Hepburn and Princess Diana with her classy tales of phone sex with mystery Internet strangers and propositioning her 26-year old boyfriend (looks like he's 40!) with bathroom sex at a classy New Jersey restaurant in between the salad and the entree course. 

Oh New Jersey Housewives, you will never fill that gap that is the American Idol Tuesday and Wednesday night time slot, no matter how much tacky bathroom sex you have.

I guess I'll just have to hold my breath for I'm A Celebrity Get me Outta Here. Because you know I'll be watching that shit. In the meantime, enjoy the demure and enchanting Danielle wax seductively with her boy toy Guido over some sourdough rolls and Turning Leaf Chardonnay.

-Val

Why?

• Can someone tell me why Donald Trump is wearing more makeup than I did on any given Saturday night in the 80's? If only the "cover up" worked on his ego. Hey Donald, the Oompa Loompa's called - they want their burnt seinna pancake makeup back.
• Speaking of Donald Trump, for the love of Christ can someone tell me why tonight's "Celebrity Apprentice" finale is THREE HOURS LONG? Is it "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" or "Celeb Apprentice"? Holy crap, "The Amazing Race" sends people to like 3 different countries in a single episode and somehow they manage to keep it an hour-long show.  
• Why is it that ABC's new summer show "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Outta Here", doesn't actually have a single real celebrity on it? When Heidi and Spencer are the biggest names on the marquee, you haven't got Diddly Caca. Maybe it should be called "I'm Not Really A Celebrity, just Go Ahead and Leave Me Here in the Jungle."
• Can someone tell my why the salesgirl who sold me some shoes at Macy's today (aptly named "Gerda") thought it was completely fine to open-mouth chomp and snap her gum during the entire transaction? Seriously, Flo at Mel's Diner had more tact than Gerda. 
• Lastly, why do mother's always get the names of celebrities and bands wrong? The Saturday Night Live video below totally takes me back to my childhood - where "Culture Club" became "Country Club," and John Travolta was "John Revolta." Then there's the time my mom was snapping her fingers along to the "Glass Tiger" one-hit disaster 'Don't forget Me When I'm Gone'" when she turned around, looked at me and Parker and said, "I really like White Lion." Most recently I am reminded of the time I took her and my kids to the movies and we saw a preview for Jim Carey's next flick and she announced (i.e. screamed at ear-shattering decibels that was heard 3 theaters over) "Ohhhh, I love Rick Carey. He's a Genius!"  -

-Val