The New Housewives Have Jumped the Shark (but I'm still watching...).

My family has staged an "intervention" and won't let me watch the "Real Housewives of Orange County", but unbeknownst to them I've TIVO'd it and watched under the cover of darkness (ok - during the day while kids are at school and Tom is working). Like a bad crack habit, I hate myself for doing it, but I can't help but watch. Below, a brief running commentary:

I see that Vicky is back with her two ungrateful annoying children, and goodie they are going to go skydiving. Yawn...unless the shoot fails to open, I have no interest in this.

Jeanna is back and her youngest son is now the "voice of reason" in this econimical downturn. Because 16 year old Orange County boys really do have a grasp of the way the world works when it comes to budgeting. Sadly his car (BMW? Audi?) needs a new clutch and Jeanna doesn't know where she's going to get the $2k to fix it. As she says this, I can't help but look at the pink-faced Rolex on her tanned sausage arms and yell "Ebay, Jeanna, Ebay."

Gretchen is cleaning out her garage. So good to know that the red Harley that her dying sugar daddy bought her over a year ago is still in the garage with a blanket over it. She later tells us (several times throughout the show) that her deceased 65 year-old fiance sent "Slade" to her from beyond the grave. Okay, honey, let me tell you something. I'm pretty sure that your dead ex fiance didn't send a creepy, opportunistic slut man, 20 years his junior to "save you from your sadness." And after seeing this, I say to my own husband: if you should ever pass on (god forbid) and decide to send a replacement man, please dear god don't send SLADE.

Tamra is back with her husband Simon (who finally is wearing something age appropriate that doesn't look like it just leaped of the Hot Topic clearance shelf). He is also about 400 times more grouchy this season, which I attribute to his poor decision to quit his high paying job as a Sales Manager at the local Mercedes Benz dealership and instead start his own homemade Tequila business. Another bright idea in today's economy.  As for Tamra, I don't have a lot to say about her  expect when she cries about how her house is now worth less that what she owes on it, I want to scream, "Welcome to the club, cutie." Tamra lives about a mile up the road from me and we are all pretty much f*!ked when it comes to house values right now.

Lastly is Lynn. Lynn is gloating about how successful her "Cuff" jewelry line is. Seriously? A successful Cuff line? I live in Orange County and have never seen anyone wear a cuff (except the time a few years back when Parker was reliving her teens and bought a terry-cloth cuff that said "BLink 182" on it. I gave her shit for weeks.) Meanwhile Lynn's "Cuffs" are a hot mess of leather and metal with rhinestone hearts glued on. Hey Lynn, a 1990's rap video called and wants its look back.

The show ends with a dinner and "trunk show" of Lynn's hideous cuffs at the St. Regis resort (who have obviously bartered a free dinner with unlimited Turning Leaf chardonnay for the ladies in return for some free publicity - hence the close up on the hotel's name about a dozen times). If anything, it was worth sitting through the entire show just to watch the blank expression on Lynn's face as Gretchen and Tamra hurl insults across the table at each other. The show abruptly comes to an end with the dreaded words "To Be Continued...."  but not before Jeanna interrupts Gretchen mid verbal bitch-slap to ask her, "Are you going to finish that Mac & Cheese?" Hey, in this economy you gotta get your meals when you can.
-Val


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My Last Blog about The Real Housewives of OC (for now)

I am so over the Real Housewives of the OC - yet every Tuesday like clockwork I turn the telly to Bravo, while my son shakes his head with a look of grave disappointment. Last night was the (almost) last straw. Below, just a few reasons why the housewhores of the OC need to go straight to hell:

Gretchen: It was so sweet of her to spend hours cooking a gourmet spaghetti dinner for her sickly, 90 lb fiancee and his adult children, because nothing says "love" like a dining on hamburger meat covered in Ragu and a few stray Lee Press On Nails while we listen  to you drone on  and on about your upcoming "girls weekend" in Vegas. Really, why would you want to stay at home and nurse your terminally ill sugar daddy, when Bravo is footing the bill at the Red Rock Resort in Sin City? I can only imagine the inner turmoil Gretchen must have felt when faced with the option of changing the bed pan for a man  who looks like David Bowie in The Hunger, or slutting it out with a "Hottie Whistle" while drinking Rum Coladas poolside in a string bikini. (On a side note, Gretchen's fiancee/personal ATM machine died in September -  I hope Vegas was worth it, Gretchen).

Lynn: The  newest  housewife is clearly a distant cousin of Cornelius from Planet of the Apes (except Cornelius was like a thousand times smarter). I'm not sure if I am more disgusted by her stupidity or her tanorexic bony body covered with aged leather skin that looks like it has been rode harder than Secretariat. Don't get me started on her unnatural  hacky sack shaped boobs, or her ungrateful alcoholic teen aged daughter who has the ambition of a slug after eating a marijuana leaf.

Tamra: You husband is in  his 40's, please stop buying his shirts from "Hot Topic". And by the way, you need to take a bath in a giant tub of Le Mer moisturizer, invest in a really good deep conditioner and teach your creepy son  how to treat a lady. 

Vicki: Instead of stuffing your martini olives with blue cheese, how about you stuff   those olives with 20 tablets of crushed Valium, so you can chill the f*&k out. 

While I'm  bitching and moaning about a show that I clearly don't have to watch (but continue to torture myself and my family by doing so) Bravo needs to stop putting the price of things on the screen every five minutes. For example last night when they checked into the hotel, Bravo felt it necessary to show us the following disclaimer: "Presidential Suite $5,500 per night". As if we are supposed to believe that these cheap ass ladies sprang for the hotel suite themselves. Sorry but I'm not buying it. The camera panned over the hotel name at least 75 times during last night's episode, it was practically a Red Rock Resort infomercial. 

God Dammit, I am so ready for the Real Housewives of New York to start, because the OC bitches are killing me. 

Karma: It's a Bitch - and so is Vicki

It's always funny when someone trips. But when Vicki the greedy, materialistic, bi-polar maniac from the Real Housewives of the OC falls, it is nothing short of greatness. The only thing that would have made this clip better would be if she had taken out her front two teeth. (Skip to the end to see her fall - thank god her plastic trophy wasn't damaged in the fall!)

Not So Fast Bravo....

Yesterday I sat on my lazy ass for 3 hours watching the Top Chef marathon on Bravo. I love Top Chef because it always inspires me to get creative in the kitchen and then when push comes to shove I end up making Cheese Crisps for dinner. I finally had to change the channel because the damned Bravo network must have played the preview-ad of next weeks OC Housewives at least 200 times. The promo basically revolves around Tamra's "formal dinner" where she attempts to get Gretchen drunk by pounding her with tequila shots, which backfires when Gretchen practically sticks her tongue down Tamra's son's throat and then (cue dramatic music) "Gretchen and Ryan" (Tamra's scary looking Christian Slater/troll son) 'disappear.'

Needless to say they want us to believe that Gretchen and troll boy have salacious sex in the hot tub during the dinner party, but they can't pull another bait-and-switch promo on me! I'm sure when the show airs next Tuesday, the cameras will find "missing" Gretchen passed out in the bathroom while troll boy is upstairs playing World of Warcraft and spanking off to a fair maiden. 

And while I'm on the subject of the Real Housewives, why are they always wearing bejeweled silk blouses in the light of day? Why does Tamra don chandelier diamond earrings at noon? And lastly, do they have to have alcohol at every lunch. I love a good glass of wine or a martini now and then, but if I drank as much during the day as these ladies, I'd be scrubbing toilets alongside Tara Reid at Promises right now.

Lastly, speaking of running the same commercial over and over again. I swear to god if I see another ad for "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" I'm going to have an aneurysm. What's worse, is every time it comes on my kids laugh and say "That looks funny." I don't know if I can afford to take them to see that flick. It will be at least $100: $30 for tickets, $20 for snacks and $50 for the street heroin I'll need to ingest to make it through two hours of Kevin James on a Segway.  

-Val

Reality Roundup: Real Housewhores of Orange County

I hate myself for watching this show, but the truth is these bitches all live within 5 miles of me and I love getting glimpses of my neighborhood haunts. Last night Season 4 (uggh) premiered and I sat through the entire agonizing hour. These women truly are horrible, horrible people. Below are some random thoughts about these 5 superficial bitches:

• Vicki: this money-hungry whore might be the worst of them all. When she contemplates buying a million-dollar yacht, (literally jumping up and down with glee when she discovers it includes a dishwasher and a washer/dryer) I almost threw a brick at the TV (I refrained because in this economy, I cant afford to replace my flatscreen. Also I was too lazy to go outside and find a brick). Hey Vicky - in case you haven't heard, the country is in a "recession" - you're not P. Diddy, your a freaking insurance agent, so  maybe instead of buying a pimped out boat, you might want to concentrate on selling that second house you bought last year which is still on the market.
• Laurie: Clearly Laurie and her new husband, "George Mc-No-Chin" are living the high life. I loved when they name dropped "Charles Branson" (when they were clearly talking about Sir Richard Branson - CEO of Virgin Records) as they ate their free dinner, paid for by the St. Regis hotel in exchange for the camera panning over the hotel's name for a whopping three seconds. 
• Jeanna: I find Jeanna to be the least offensive bitch - or I did until they showed her bedroom full of her semi-naked Nagel paintings from the 80's (by the way, Parker was a huge fan of Patrick Nagel in High School and I think she actually had one of Jeanna's Nagel renderings hanging in her bedroom: Holy 6 degrees of OC Housewives). Jeanna - we get it, you used to be hot. But for the love of god put the Nagels in the spare bedroom and box up that glamour shot of you circa 1984 wearing a hot pink Members Only jacket and nothing else.
• Gretchen: 30-year old money-grubbing gold digger doesn't even scratch the surface. It's not like that old dude that she is with is Mr. Personality - the ficus tree on my back patio has more personality than that Kenny Roger clone. Sadly, he has Leukemia, and I wouldn't be surprised if she has the "Leukemia count down clock" loaded on her laptop - counting down the days when she is the "hottest widow in Orange County".
• Tamra: Tamra lives in my community and I can say with confidence that she is not "the hottest" housewife around. Also, she just listed her house on the market, which makes me wonder if they are needing the cash to pay for those leopard print dresses, Restalyne and the diamond watch her hubby bought her last season.
• The "Trunk Show": When Laurie whipped out her Black American Express to pay for those fake Roberto Cavalli dresses (who buys Roberto Cavalli at a trunk show?) I was ready to actually go outside in the rain and find a brick and throw it at Laurie's plastic face. Nothing says Superficial like whipping out your black card in front of your friends. Also I think the lady who ran the trunk show has a company called "Haute Rod" - classy.

The only fair outcome this season would be if a giant meteor blazed down over Coto destroying these narcissistic wenches. Can't wait for next week.

-val

Christmas Comes Early This Year!

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Christmas comes early with the arrival of "Celebrity Rehab 2" later this month. Personally, I've been needing regular doses of Xanax over the past few weeks due to the "sky is falling" economy and the media's threat that we will all be homeless and in line at a Soup Kitchen by early next year. However, after watching the above clip, life is looking up. As a matter of fact, next to Tawney Kittean, I am practically Carol Frickin Brady. Don't get me started on Gary Busey and his crazy blank stare (I smell a knife fight) and while it might be arguable that Rodney King is a "Celebrity", nothing beats watching him barf out the window of a Mack truck.

I also just found out that there will be a Season 4 of "The Real Housewives of the OC". Since it is filmed literally in my own back yard (with many of my favorite restaurants, my salon and my skin care {i.e botox} place regularly featured on the show) I will be waiting with baited breath to see what those beatches have in store this time. They really are horrible shallow people and I am mesmerized by every minute of it. Christmas really did come early this year.

-Val