I Prefer My Jesus Extra Crunchy

Today, while perusing the news (or the "not really news"), I was encountered with yet another "Jesus sighting" on (in?) a food product. This time a women in South Wales claims the image of Jesus appeared on the inside lid of a Marmite jar while making toast for her son. First of all, what the hell is Marmite? Secondly, call me cynical but I'm guessing if Jesus decided to make an appearance he'd do it up classy and appear in a bottle of Skippy Extra Crunchy or a Taco Bell grilled quesadilla. If you ask me, the dude in the Marmite jar looks more like Russell Brand, a member of the Doobie Brothers or Joaquin Phoenix (the "crazy" bearded Joaquin). 

Seriously though, I've just about had it with the Jesus food sightings. Listen up people, Jesus is not going to appear to you in a form of Cheeto, grilled cheese sandwich or a flipping Kit Kat Bar (despite the Oh-So-Convincing pictures below). So please stop imagining Jesus every time you grill up your grease fest or shove a chocolate bar down your throat. It's not happening. And don't even get me started on the crying Virgin Mary sightings. 

-Val

Cheeto Jesus or Sasquatch? You decide.

Jesus (a.k.a. the crispy cookie center) looks pretty pissed about being trapped in a Kit Kat.

There's an Empty Space In My Heart every Tuesday Night

Last night, with no American Idol, I found myself completely at a loss. I actually went to bed at 8:00. I feel like I'm missing a limb (and by "limb" I am referring to the weekly cheesy antics of 13 crazy little singing rascals who are gone from my life forever - because let's face it, most of them don't have much of a future). 

I did watch a little bit of The Real Housewives of New Jersey (a sure sign that I've hit rock bottom) and while I just can't get into it, I am mesmerized by Danielle, the plastic-faced 45-year old cougar who brings to mind shades of Audrey Hepburn and Princess Diana with her classy tales of phone sex with mystery Internet strangers and propositioning her 26-year old boyfriend (looks like he's 40!) with bathroom sex at a classy New Jersey restaurant in between the salad and the entree course. 

Oh New Jersey Housewives, you will never fill that gap that is the American Idol Tuesday and Wednesday night time slot, no matter how much tacky bathroom sex you have.

I guess I'll just have to hold my breath for I'm A Celebrity Get me Outta Here. Because you know I'll be watching that shit. In the meantime, enjoy the demure and enchanting Danielle wax seductively with her boy toy Guido over some sourdough rolls and Turning Leaf Chardonnay.

-Val

Citibank can Suck It. Oh, and Kevin James, You Owe Me an Hour and A Half of My Life Back

I hate credit cards. To be honest, after getting myself deeply in and out of debt 10 years ago, I avoid them like the plague. But lets face it, I've got kids, good taste and I live in Southern California, so aside from my American Express (which gets paid off every month) I have one other "guilty pleasure" credit card from Citibank. I always pay on time, at least twice my minimum and many times I'll go ahead and send them money twice a month, just to get that muther paid down. So you can imagine my surprise (read: raging volcanic anger) when I opened this month's bill and saw that Citibank (or as Bill Maher calls it "Shitibank") raised my interest rate from 14.99% percent to 25.99% because they said I was "late" on last months' payment. Ummm, no assholes, I was actually so early that I ended up paying you before your bill was even sent out and your moron computer program read that as not paying at all. For the love of the credit gods, get your team to actually look at the numbers and you'll see that I've actually paid you NINE times over the past SIX months (do the math, dumbasses). When I called today (ready to pick a fight and go all Janice Dickinson-after-6-shots-of-Patron-Tequila on their asses), "Vijay" the friendly, but unintelligible, customer service rep. miraculously saw the errors of Shitibanks ways and actually reversed my interest rate back to it's original amount. Damn straight he did.  As pissed as I am, I have now learned a new lesson: if I can't pay cash for my next pair of True Religion jeans, or a Coach handbag, then I'm just not buying it, cause Shitibank and their interest rates can suck my cornholio.

While I'm on a rant, can I just send out a message to Kevin James (who I'm sure it will get to, as so many Hollywood types are reading our website). Kevin: I just rented "Paul Blart: Mall Cop", and while I wasn't expecting it to be "Goodfellas" I figured that since it made a bazillion dollars at the box office, that it must have a few laughs. In the words of Depeche Mode's new song, I was "WRONG". It's clear that everyone who forked over their $10.50 at the theater had just smoked from the world's biggest bong - because there is no other way an audience could possibly justify sitting through that movie. I had a "free" movie at Blockbuster and still hard a hard time not changing it over to something educational and entertaining, like "Daisy of Love" or "VH1's top 100 Teen Stars." So Kevin, if it's not too much to ask, I was wondering if I could come over to your house, put on one of those plastic fireman outfits that kids wear at Halloween, stuff donuts down my throat and ride around on my daughter's rusty 4-year old Razor scooter (since I don't own a Segway and am not about to charge one to my Shitibank card)  and bore the hell out of you and you family for an hour and a half? 

-Val

PS - I wrote this rant in a hot sweaty rage of anger, so please forgive the run on sentences, blabbering and profanities, muthaf#*kers.

PPS: The other day I blogged about the Apple Store quoting me a minimum of $750 to fix my son's Pepsi-soaked MacBook (without even looking at it first). I found a company who fixed it and added extra memory for the bargain basement price of $250 - and they did it in 2 days. So Apple, you can Suck It too!

Adam Lambert Dodged A Bullet

That's right Kris, your jaw should be agape, because you didn't deserve to win. Sure he's a good singer and seems like a nice enough guy, but the Idol title should have gone to Adam (and I think Kris knows it).

That being said, let's be honest. Adam dodged a bullet, and by "bullet" I mean he now won't be required to record that horrendous verbal diarrhea song about hurricanes and mountains. Sadly Kris and Adam did NOT dodge that bullet known as the pale blue "Ford Fusion" that they both "won?" for being the finalists. When Adam got into his Ford and said "It's beautiful" what he was really thinking was "When I get home I am so bedazzling the shit out of this piece of junk." 

With the season over, we are definitely going to have to come up with some new timely topics to bitch about. And so, my quest to attend a taping of Season 14 begins........

Kids Are Expensive: A True Story

Last Wednesday:

Daniel (my 13 year old son): "Hey mom, where are my  jeans?" 

Me: "You mean the ones that were in your dirty clothes basket? I washed them."

Daniel: "Ummm, my iPod was in the pocket."

Me: "You mean the iPod that I just bought you four weeks ago because I felt guilty because I let your sister skip school to go see the American Idol taping and you couldn't go?"

Daniel: "Yep, that iPod."

Me: "The same iPod that I also bought to replace your original iPod that you left on the tram at Disneyland."

Daniel: "Ummm Hmmmm"

Me: (frantically digging through the washer and pulling out a drowned - and very dead - new silver iPod) "Son of an ...-expletive-...."

Later that night.....

Daniel: "Umm, Mom?"

Me: "What?"

Daniel: I accidentally spilled some Pepsi on my keyboard and now my laptop won't work?"

Me: "Are you kidding?"

Daniel: "Nope, sorry."

The next day - at the Apple Store

I have a 5:00 appointment at the "Genius Bar" (which should be called the "Rape your wallet Bar"):

Apple "Genius" Dude: "What seems to be the problem?"

Me: "My son spilled soda on his laptop and now it won't turn on."

Apple "Genius": "Ouch, liquid damage is a 'tier 4' repair. You are looking at a minimum of $755.00.

Me: (speaking to myself in an invisible bubble above my head): "Is 'Tier 4' a code word for 'bend over while we stick this giant rod up your ass and royally screw you'?"

What I Really say: "Geez, that sucks."

Apple "Genius": There is a company up in L.A. that can probably fix it for about $400 - do you want their name?

Me: "Sure" (and way to anal rape your clients by charging twice as much for repairs as your competitor, Apple Store).

Three days Later:

Daniel: "Hey mom? For my birthday I was wondering if you could take me to Japan to see My Chemical Romance in Concert?"

Me: "Are you Freaking Kidding Me?" 

Side note: The computer is getting repaired but only because I use it too and Daniel needs it for school. The iPod and concert tickets in Japan? Unless he becomes the next Jonas Brother or gets his own Disney show, my dear son Daniel, is "S.O.L."

-Val