I "Heart" Butter Boy

I love this little butter boy. Sure, his love of fried butter will no doubt result in him growing up to be riddled with Heart Disease and he will most certainly grow up to resemble a dashing John Candy or Ralphie May. But let's be honest, little  butter boy's dance says it all.....I had the same reaction after I ate a Ravioli with a gooey fried egg in the middle at Mario Batali's restaurant in LA (I also drank so much wine there that I now cannot remember the name of the actual restaurant). I also do this dance (internally, of course) every time I eat Foie Gras, really good Risotto or Chocolate Lava Cake. Also, I'm pretty sure this kid is a blood relative of Parker:

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What Do you Expect from Wife Swap Contestants?

Today at work as I watched the boy in the silver bubble air balloon fly vicariously over the fields of Colorado on MSN.com, I was horrified. How will they get him down? Will he crash into the Rocky Mountains? But as the Brady Bunch-like Space Ship twisted and turned I really started to doubt how it could possibly hold a 50 lb child. I mean, C'mon it didn't have a window or a visible door, and no tell-tale lump of a kids butt sitting in the mylar basket.

As it it crashed to the ground I looked over at my co-worker and said, "He's probably at home in the basement." I  love how the first reaction of the rescuers was to hit the balloon repeatedly with a shovel to incapacitate the balloon (head injuries to a small boy apparently were not a concern). Honestly, instead of a small boy, I  kept expecting Popcorn to explode from inside the Jiffy Pop top of the balloon.


Then, when no boy surfaced and news that his family had once appeared on "Wife Swap" began to surface, I really began to get suspicious. Call me crazy, but any family who has agreed to appear on Wife Swamp simply cannot be trusted. The words "Attention whores" immediately came to mind and I envisioned them telling their son "Falcon" (again: can you say "Attention whores?") to lay low with a box of Oreos and a Spongebob DVD while they notified the KFOX helicopter to track down their homemade Aluminum Foil balloon on live TV. (Word is they contacted the media BEFORE calling the PoPo).


Cut to 4 hours later....Falcon is found in the family attic. I'm no Einstein, but wouldn't a good search of the home be one of the first things they did? And while I 'm glad that "Falcon" is safe and sound, I can't help but wonder if his hippie parents were maybe concocting up a story to extend the 15 minutes of Wife Swap fame? Surely a People Magazine (or at the very least National Enquirer) cover is in their future. And that is so not cool.
-Val

Balloon Boy Update:
My dad is convinced that there is no hanky panky to this story and that the family legitimately thought Falcon was lost up up and away in his beautiful balloon. However I just came across this homemade family video on You Tube ( a must watch, below). This is the entire Crazy Jiffy Pop Balloon family singing some sort of homemade rap. I can't understand much, but there are some great stolen Elton John/Bernie Taupin lyrics about Farting and Fire Ants. The Sherlock Holmes in me thinks that when Def Jam records didn't come a knocking they pulled the balloon stunt in hopes for an uplifting (pun intended) Lifetime movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt, Rick Schroeder and three of the Gosslin kids as the Balloon Brothers.


Balloon Boy (HOAX) Update #2:
Balloon Boy "Falcon" just accidently spilled the beans to Wolf Blitzer on CNN. Wolf asked the parents why Falcon didn't come out of his "hiding place" (aka the attic where he was supplied with a box of Oreos and a Spongebob marathon in return for keeping his mouth shut) and the boy said, "Well, you (the parents) told me it was all for a SHOW." And then Balloon Dad coughed and stuttered while his mail order bride shook her head and said "Nooooo.". This will be all over the news tomorrow. And I hope they send the balloon family a bill for the resuce attempt (which CNN calculated to be upwards of $28k).

And, I rest my case:

Screw Project Runway

Sometimes life isn't funny, it's just a rat race pain in the ass. Hence the lack of posts from either Parker or myself over the past week.

Until we have some postworthy events, here is a fun video from 1935, predicting the fashions of the year 2,000. To this I say, "Screw You Project Runway." I'll take the dress with headlamp (for finding good men) over a dress made out of recycled newspapers anytime.

Ironically, my  husband has the exact same jumpsuit as the guy at the end of the video. Swish!

The Trojan Tee Shirt Tale

Val's  t-shirt story (below) reminds me of the time I brought home one of my boyfriends, Todd Jacobs to meet my mom Nancy. He was 17, 6 foot 4 with long blond surfer hair and probably weighed 140 lbs soaking wet. I thought Todd was beyond dreamy - perhaps I just wanted to feed him a good meal.

When I answered the door of our discreet turbo colonial-style house in the middle of the desert, he stood before me in a Trojan Condoms T Shirt. Holy shit you can't be serious, wearing that to meet my mom.
Without Nancy's knowledge, I had smoked stolen cigs and drank stolen beers from our fridge in my treehouse as a kid and smoked pot with val in my room, so being really observant wasn't exactly her strong suit.

Later that night, trojan condom boy dry humped my Levi button fly jeans so hard that he bruised my va jay jay. Apparently his tee was just for show, because he was bound and determined to dry hump me with clothes on for hours. This is just as well because I didn't want to lose my virginity to him anyway. That future suitor would at least need to wear a wife beater to meet Nancy.
-Parker

Why You Shouldn't Surf the Web at Work

I hardly ever surf the web at work, but occassionally when I have down time I do check my personal email or when I'm feeling really devilsih check one of my go-to gossip sites. Yesterday, late afternoon and not much to do I decide to go onto dlisted.com - a fairly tame, snarky gossip website. Before logging in, I do a quick look to the right to make sure no one is approaching. The second the site comes up I am confronted with the following picture (on a 20 inch flatscreen monitor in glorious Technacolor):

And then I see out of the corner of my eye - a coworker approaching my cubicle. My thought process went something like this:

"Oh Hell No..... Shit, here she comes. Click the X, click the X...I'm clicking the X but nothing is happening. Why is it asking me if I want to close all screens -SHIT YES, close ALL screens NOW god dammit."

I've been on that website many times and this is the first time I've come across a picture of Pamela Anderson spread eagle with a giant star over her cooch. Naturally, one of my 50-year-old co-workers would peruse by my desk at that exact same moment. I might as well have had a Penthouse centerfold wallpapered on my cubicle walls. If she did see, she didn't say anything, but I'm sure she is now under the impression that I am a lipstick lesbian who cruises porn sites at work.

Later that day I cruised on down to the "Student Center" (by the way the "Student Center" at a community college might be one of the best people watching places on the planet). I stood in line to purchase my Diet Pepsi and the debenair young man in front of me was wearing a tee shirt with cut off sleeves with the following astute words on the back:

Stay Sick

Stay Fuck

Hail Satan

First of all, his mom must be proud. But most important, what on earth could a Satan worshipper possibly be doing at community college? Is he dabbling in accounting when he's not sacrificing small rodents and scratching pentagons on his arm with a razor? Is he taking a class on how to make websites, so that he can spread his wisdom to the rest of the world? Maybe he is studying to be a medical assistant? Or maybe his Jonas Brother's concert tee shirt was dirty and the Hail Satan shirt was the only clean thing in his drawer.

-val

P.S. if you are surfing the web while at work and the above picture just popped up as someone is passing your desk, I apologize.