Live Oscar Blogging (Sort of)

My first thought as the celebs arrive is that James Cameron's wife Suzy Amis (the one he dumped Linda Hamilton for) is severely anorexic. I therefore scream at the television "Eat a sandwich Suzy" as if she will hear me 60 miles away. Seriously, I'm not sure how old she is but her lack of nutrition has made her look 65 if she's a day.

Loving Alec and Steve and their sarcastic banter. Also the stage looks beautiful and classy. Ok now more sarcasm.

I am praying that someone will trip over their pink sparkly trains and bite it onstage.

The tribute to John Hughes made me cry (the 3rd glass of wine is not helping). My kids are looking at me and wondering why watching Ferris Bueller pay tribute to a dead director is making me teary eyed but as someone who would love to write a movie someday, they just don't get it. Holy Jesus Ally Sheedy got old and Judd Nelson clearly is living in a crack den off the I-5 is in south Los Angeles. Anthony Michael Hall clearly found a steroid dealer and Duckie is still an uber-nerd

Does Ben Stiller always pick the short straw when it comes to presenting in ridiculous costumes? Hey Ben, there's this thing called "pride" - you should look it up sometime.

Are Rachel McAdams and Elizabeth Banks the same people? I'm pretty sure they are. Jake Gyllenhall is rumored to be super-gay, which makes me sad because his puppy dog eyes aren't gay at all.

Taylor Hackford (husband of Helen Mirren) director extraordinaire once told me that if I moved to New york he'd put me in movie. I chose instead to waitress at a seafood restaurant in an upscale resort, because the cash is soooo much better.

When is Penelope Cruz going to learn some god damned English??

I would kill a homeless person in exchange for Meryl Streep's understated amazing square pave diamond earrings. Shit, I might even kill Meryl herself for those earrings.

Monique just won (once again does this mean she will no longer host "Charm Academy"?). If she can wear a white gardenia in her hair, I hope she can take the next step and shave her cankle legs.

Best Dressed? Nicole Richie, Cameron Diaz and Carrie Mulligan. I love Sarah Jessica Parker, but not a fan of her vintage Chanel or her 4 loaves of bread attached to her tiny Botox head. Speaking of Botox, where the hell is Nicole Kidman and Renee "I just sucked a lemon face" Zellwiger?

Crying men have no business onstage - I'm talking to you "almost lost my life" Avatar "Art Direction" dude.

When are they going to get to the dead people montage? I need another good cry..

Charlize Theron may be the most beautiful women on the planet, but that's no excuse for the rose-bud booby dress she's wearing. I don't care if Gianni Versace stepped down from heaven to make it for her, it's just not right.

Just got a comment from Sara Smile (thank you) and a new reader "Bruce". Not sure it it's Bruce Jenner (stepfather of the Kardashians) but either way always excited to have a new reader!!!

The "In Memoriam" always gets me. Just show me an old writer or a young cute actress who died of a prescription overdose and I am a babbling idiot. Watching adorable Brittany Murphy on the screen of death will def. make me think twice next time I reach for my migraine medicine or my barbarities.

Oscars are in the midst of the music awards which while important, are always a good excuse for the following: going to the bathroom; refilling my glass of Pinot Noir, making Pillsbury bake and eat sugar cookies.

Oh great, Gerad Butler and Bradley Cooper. Why don't they just say the "Herpes twins"?

I wish Kathleen Bigalow would plant an IED under James Cameron's seat (with a timer set to 2 minutes). I'm sure a bunch of money would explode and the house would go crazy.

Jason Bateman is onstage. I have to admit the 1980's sitcom "Its Your Move" was GENIUS. He'll never live up to that kind of comedy...

So happy "The Cove" won!! Nothing says Oscar like saving Dolphins from killers. Also Fisher Stevens was robbed for his work in "Short Circuit" so tonight he get's his due. Sadly, Parker and I both emailed each other about Fisher Stevens and his relationship with Michelle Pfieifer 25 years ago. We need a life.

Is it Keanu Reeves or Stephen Hawking? Seriously Keanu needs to stay at home and smoke his bong in lieu of announcing "best movie" nominees. Hurt Locker should win (just so I can yell "SUCK IT CAMERON" to my 50 inch Pioneer Plasma TV). But can't they get someone with brains like Zach Efron or one of the Bachelors to announce "The Hurt Locker"?

Quentin Taranto just smoked a bowl of crack of in the green room with Keanu Reeves or maybe Talyor Lautner. No other excuse for the amount of sweat pouring off his 10 foot chin.

Avatar Smavatar, I don't even want to see that movie. I would rather "The Crazies" take home best Oscar (see previous blog).

By the way my new Botox doesn't hold a candle to this super-powered Hollywood Botox that the stars get. I clearly need to head on up to Hollywood for a dose of the pure stuff because I still have a bit of a frown line and that shit just don't fly down here in the OC.

Michelle Pfeifer clearly lives in a Barometric chamber that delivers a nonstop stream of pure Oxygen. Fisher Stevens and his Oscar are shitting in their pants right now. Jeff Bridges? He didn't get the memo about the Barometric chamber...

Morgan Freeman and his freckles are nominated. Saw Morgan at the Four Seasons Beverly Hills last year - damn I regret not putting down my martini and dry humping him on the spot - just for shits and giggles. Oh well, he's totally going to lose to Jeff "crinkle face" Bridges. He just won - total payback for not winning for "StarMan" in the early 1980's.

Everyone's makeup is melting - can we get this show on the road? Just give the Oscar to Sandra Bullock already and move on. MOVE ON, I say...OK how can't you love "Precious" and her 27 yards of satin fabric. She is soo excited to be there. Too bad she's going to lose to Sandra - it's all good however, because she'll totally be doing bongs with Woody Harrelson at the Spago party in about 25 minutes. And then totally munching on spicy Sushi immediately after.

Pre-Oscar Babble

I'm going to attempt to do a "live" Oscar post later, although I'm about to crack open a bottle of Pinot Grigio so no promises. Yesterday my son and I went to see "Shutter Island" and in an unfortunate twist of fate (long story) ended up seeing "The Crazies." I have to admit that despite my guilty pleasure of zombie movies and disaster flicks, it was painful handing $18 for two ppl and saying out loud, "two for 'The Crazies'". Even more painful: the $21 for popcorn, nachos and 2 cokes. Needless to say it was another predictable slasher movie and it took every ounce of will power for me not to yell out: "That IS Crazy!!!" every time someone got impaled with a bloody pitchfork. Call me Crazy, but this film probably won't be up for any Oscars come next year at this time.

Speaking of Oscars, I haven't seen most of the films nominated for the Best Movie Oscar (not even Avatar) so I bucked down and reluctantly watched "The Hurt Locker" today. It really was a edge of your seat kind of movie and no one can resist a renegade, adrenaline-addicted soldier with a heart of gold. Without giving too much away, the movie ended with the soldier realizing that coming home to his wife and son is a let down and he signs up for another tour of duty. The movie ended with room for a sequel, which I think should be titled: "Hurt Locker 2: Electric Boogaloo."

As far as "best movie" goes, I'm personally am rooting for anything other than Avatar. Only because James Cameron seems like a world class A-hole, with more money than God.

I'll Have What She's Having....

I'm only 40 and don't even have 1/4 of the energy of this gal. She is my new hero. I'd like to think that 39 years into the future, Parker and I will be Granny DJ's at some space station bar orbiting Mars (It will probably be named something corny like "Out of this World" or the "Mars Bar"). Needless to say, we would totally ditch the green satin jacket and blu blockers (although her earrings are quite fetching). Also, like DJ Granny, you might catch a few forehead wrinkles on me by the time I'm 79 (although I did just cave in and do the Botox thing because my husband told me I frown even when I'm sleeping.) Parker on the other hand will still have major Nicole Kidman forehead until the day she dies and long into the afterlife. We may also have to adapt English accents because that really elevates her coolness to a whole new level....

High School Confidential: The Terrifying Teen-Boy

Yesterday I registered my son for High School. Aside from a persistent voice in my head that kept repeating "holy crap...I almost have a kid in High School," it also brought back my own memories of starting High School, which seems like yesterday.

I entered High School at the ripe old age of 13. To make matters worse, my parents had the notion that instead of attending the public High School with all my Jr. High buddies, I should get a "good education" and go to Catholic School - where I knew absolutely no one. The good news was that my 8th grade Olivia Newton-John "Let's Get Physical" haircut had grown out over the summer, so I no longer looked like a pre-pubescent Kirk Cameron. I was also allowed to dye my hair platinum blonde and had a part time job cashiering at my dad's Nursery. My over-the-top salary of $2.37 per hour was sure to keep me decked out in a Contempo Casual wardrobe for eternity. So, decked out in my acid washed purple jeans and over-processed, newly-blonde hair, I ventured out of my suburban shell and started private school in the big city.

Despite my shyness, I eventually made friends with a few girls, including "Erika" who lived mid-town with her lawyer/stoner dad. I was in awe of Erika because she had a long braided tail (a'la Adam Ant) and a magenta-colored stripe in her hair. She slept on a futon mattress on her bedroom floor, had MTV on her color tv 24/7 and actually knew how to use a tampon. Even more fascinating: she used Public Transportation (i.e. the Sun Tran bus) on a regular basis. Up until that point, as a sheltered upper-middle class suburban girl, I'm pretty sure I thought it was illegal to raise children in the mean streets of midtown Tucson, let alone allow them to ride on a bus with drunk old men who, at best, had 4 teeth in their mouth. She was so worldly, she might as well have been Brooke Shields. And while I eventually made a lot of girl friends, I was definitely not what you'd call "popular" - and had never had a boyfriend. So I was shocked when one day I heard through the grapevine that a guy by the name of Matt Benson liked me.

Matt Benson was a popular Senior who played football and wore a Letterman's Jacket. He was good looking (aside from a really bad shiny Albert Brooks-like Afro) and a drove a Mazda Rx-7 - your basic poor-man's Ferrari. While many girls would have been flattered or excited to hear that a senior liked them, I was mortified. First of all, Matt was 18, which in my book might as well have been 36. I was a shy, insecure 14 year old, and he was a full-grown Teen-Man. Clearly this would never work out. I did my best to avoid him in the halls, but couldn't avoid him one night after a football game when he cornered me at a Pizza Parlor and told me a harrowing story about how a few years back he watched his best friend die in his arms. While I think he was trying to impress me, I most likely reacted with a not-so-sensitive roll of my eyes or a sarcastic remark. Shortly thereafter the School Directory came out. Now I was really screwed because Matt Benson had my phone number.

The first time he called me, I was terrified. Worse still, he asked me out on a date to see (wait for it....) the Kevin Bacon blockbuster "Footloose." This is the first time I'd ever been asked out by a boy (let alone a TEEN-MAN). I panicked and agreed to go. Matt said he'd call me Friday after school to get directions to my house. Oh if only Chris Hanson of Dateline's "To Catch A Predator" could have traveled back in a Lamborgheni time machine and saved me. I had a horrifying vision of Matt pulling up in his shiny RX7 and my dad opening the front door, giving him the once-over and flipping the bird (or worse: inviting him in, offering him a Pall Mall and sharing stock market tips).

Once more I avoided Matt Besnon in the halls, because everyone knows that if you ignore a problem it will just go away. I knew that there was no way in hell I was going on this date, so I invited a girlfriend over for moral support the night of the "phantom date." I had my own phone line, but this was way before caller ID or voice mail, and my parents weren't about to buy me my one of those expensive, suitcase-sized, cassette tape playing answering machines. So when the phone rang, I couldn't be sure who it was, but I had a sinking suspicion that it was none other than Matt Benson, calling in to claim his Footloose date. I distinctly remembering my girlfriend and I horrified (but in a "Ha Ha" kind of way) every time the phone rang. "Screw this," I said and my mom drove my friend and I to the mall where we bought two tickets to Footloose... sans Matt Benson.

I never heard from Matt Benson again. In retrospect, I'm pretty sure he thought I was a stuck up bitch who liked to play mind games. But the truth was that I wasn't ready to date a Teen-Man. Besides, I've never had a thing for older guys.

-Val

One Thumb Up...One Thumb Down (way down)

I often fantasize about being a judge on one of my favorite shows, "The Iron Chef." While Val is transfixed by "Hoarders", I am much more into the porn for fat people channel known as The Food Network. I would be a shitty judge however, and with a mouthful of food say deep things like "Mmmmm, good", "Sooo yummy", "Parker like", and maybe something as creative as "Bobby, your Chile Rellano Three Ways is totally orgasmic."

My point to this is that after seeing the movie "Valentine's Day", I'm not really sure how to review it other than to say "Not Good" and "Too Long". I was intrigued by the star-studded cast, but this film is no Robert Altman's "The Player." I kept thinking "thank god I am with my sister and niece because DW would have killed me had I taken him to see this like the time I took him to see "Fossi!" in New York. DW and "jazz hands" are not a good combo. To top things on the way to "Fossi" I left my 20-minute old $500 new sunglasses that DW had just bought me in the cab. In hindsight, I deserved that for spending $500 on sunglasses in the first place.

"Valentine's Day" takes place in LA and having grown up there, seeing certain scenes were very nostalgic. ALso nostalgic was seeing Jessica Beil and Jennifer Garner's bony asses up there on the screen - reminding me of the days when I too could wear designer beaded sleeveless dresses without fear of a pucker or blue vein creeping out. Julia Robert's plays a soldier on leave flying home. Uggg, really? Julia Roberts as a soldier? I later learned that she got paid millions of dollars for her 6 minutes of film time and Oscar worthy lines such as, "That stewardess is flirting with you."

Before the movie started they showed a preview for "Sex and the City 2." While I do love all things Sex and the City, I had to laugh out loud when one particular scene shows the girls walking in line as they always do in the trendy streets of NY but this time they are donning their runway looks in the middle of the desert in Morocco with no civilization in sight (aside from a random camel here and there). I guess they figure Cabo San Lucas was too pedestrian for the sequel. Is it "The Hurt Locker" or "Sex and the City 2"?

On the other end of the spectrum "The Hurt Locker" is an amazing, riveting film and possibly the most realistic and thought provoking war related movie I have ever seen. Two thumbs way up for "The Hurt Locker". Valentine's Day? Not so much.

-Parker