Torture Theater: The Worst of the Worst

This week while Parker enjoys a vacation in ugly and boring Costa Rica, I will be unwillingly dragged to the theater in order to sit through 2 tortuous hours of Adam Sandler's latest masterpiece. My kids are both dying to see this craptacular movie and of course I will take them. I have sat through many Adam Sandler flicks and even liked a few (Big Daddy, Billy Madison) but something about a movie called "You Don't Mess with the Zohan" makes me uneasy (and is the "You" in the title really necessary? Isn't it a given?) How does  a movie about a mulleted Israeli Commando-turned hairdresser even get green lighted anyway? 

Last night I got to thinking about all the horrible movies I have sat through so my children could be entertained. There are hundreds, but the most memorable recent ones are:

• Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: Yep, I said it. I actually hated one of the classic Harry Potter movies. During the third hour of this movie I began to pray to the popcorn gods that Harry would die a painful death at which point I would do a cheerleader hurkey, scream "Hooray it's over!" and dash out the theater faster than you can say Hocus Pocus.
• Son of the Mask: This was the long-awaited (not) sequel to "The Mask" starring Jim Carrey. It did not star Jim Carrey or Cameron Diaz. It did star 'Jamie Kennedy' (was Paulie Shore unavailable?) and was so bad that I developed restless leg syndrome and uncontrollable muscle spasms from sheer boredom. If I hadn't been escorting three 10 year old boys, I would have jumped out of my seat and done lunges out the door.
• Hot Rod: I think Andy Samburg is pretty funny on 'Saturday Night Live' and my son worships his comedy. However, I should have seen it as an omen when my children and I were the only ones in the theater - on opening day. This movie was hysterical, if  you are a 12 year old boy. For anyone else it is comparable to undergoing Chinese Water Torture during a Bobcat Goldthwait comedy routine while Gilbert Gottfried shoves bamboo up your fingernails. Santa even gave my son the DVD so we can enjoy it again and  again.
• Spy Kids III in 3D: I came close to vomiting in my popcorn bucket at least 36 times during this psychedelic, plotless movie. I know Parker will agree with me on this one as she also watched this   LSD-trip-of-a-movie with her nephew and coined the term "Spy Kids Headache", which refers to the throbbing headache that comes with watching perhaps the worst movie of all time. 

I'm sure there are countless others, but at the ripe old age of 38, I am only capable of remembering shitty movies that go back 3 years or less. As I sit through the Zohan movie, I will think of my friend Parker who will probably be rappelling down the side of a waterfall as I try my best to resist poking my eyes out with my soda straw.

-Val