Oscar: The Play by Play texts

I had planned on doing a live blog during the Oscars this year. But after celebrating yet another friend's big 4-0 on Saturday night (and celebrating it like we were turning 21 and finally able to legally drink, then legally drinking everything in sight) I was in no condition to deal. It took every ounce of energy to respond to Parker's Oscar texts, which I am reprinting verbatim in lieu of an actual Oscar roundup. I will say, however that after watching the Oscars every year since I was 4, that this was one of the most entertaining and well-put together one's yet. Sure the musical numbers were cheesy but it was the first time in years that I wasn't bored to tears by the time Best Actor came around.

V: Watching red carpet. Why does Angelina always have the "My shit don't smell" look on her face. She's so god damned gorgeous its totally unfair. J Anniston is presenting - girl better get her game on.

P: Am mesmerized by her Emerald earrings - they are small and cheap.

V: SJ Parker's dress is to die for. 

P: All this nude, cream, gray, light diarrhea -colored palette  isn't doing anything for me. Apparently cement is all the new rage in color this year. Altho Penelope Cruz's dress amazing. 

V: Totally, it is also sixty years old. By the way, hasn't Penelope Cruz been in America for like 15 years? When is she gonna learn the English?

P: When she accepted her award and did the last part in Spanish, I bet she said "I'm going to Disneyland! But first I'm stopping at Taco Bell and getting the pintos and cheese."

V: Yikes. So maybe I'm not loving SJ Parker's dress after all. It looked much better on the carpet and is a Christian Dior Haute Couture.

P: Crappy.

V: The Japanese guy that just won said "Sank you Berry Much" so cute.

P: Total Sank You Berry Much. Did Sarah Jessica get a boob job?

V: Nah they are still squishy -  just pushed up majorly by the CD dress with the 19-inch waist. Meryl Streep's daughter is ugly - not.

P: I know, very cute. And poor.

V: They have Heath Ledger's Joker face up on the big screen. The joker totally looks like me after going to Frat Parties in College.  Loved Ben Stiller's impression of sane Joaquin Phoenix. 

P: Missed it, was doing dishes. Do you have a Pannini Press? You should totally get one. 

V: Huh? Sheesh, Slumdog just won again? Can't understand some of the Indian people.

P: "Would u like some highly salted pretzels?"

V: Huh? 

P: You have to insert Indian accent with that. It's a Simpson's reference.

V: Sweet - a tribute to Jerry Lewis. The most annoying man on the planet. 

P: Going to bed, sorry Oscar night.

V: Whatever. Queen Latifah is singing to all the dead showbiz folks. Unfortunately they keep panning back and forth and I can't read the god damned names. Queen's song is totally distracting me and I can't conjure up the necessary tears. Damn you Queen.