Monday, May 18, 2009

A Hypochondriac's Tale

We haven't blogged in almost a week, and I'm not sure what Parker's excuse is, but mine is that I've clearly come down with a strange new ailment; one that is most likely related to the "Swine Flu", but perhaps originated from some lazy-ass Slug Species somewhere in South America, where it was obviously passed on to me via a Dole South American banana that a slug had shit on, and I subsequently ate. The symptoms include: 
  1. Excessive fatigue (requiring a minimum of a 2 hour nap on any given weekday and a 3-4 hour nap on a weekend or day off work); 
  2. Perpetual and uncontrollable weight gain ( most notably in the mid-section, resulting in the onslaught of several inches of back fat and stomach rolls per week); 
  3. Constant thirst (one that no amount of vodka or wine can ever quench); 
  4. Brittle unmanageable hair (think Lita Ford circa 1983); 
  5. Raging mood swings often resulting in yelling obscenities at the television or running in my room locking the door and hiding under the sheets (see symptom #1)
So I blame you, "Slug flu" for my messy house, lack of blogging, gelatin-like body and so much more. In the meantime, I will be going on a Gandhi-like hunger strike (without the political repercussions and right after I eat my plate of creamed chipped beef on toast), drink more water (less wine), deep condition my hair, remember to take my meds (and not skip them for weeks at a time and wonder why I am acting like the crazy cat lady on the Simpsons) and lastly, watch less reality TV (or if I do watch it, blog about it instead of screaming empty threats to "The Donald" or the "Bitchy Cheerleaders" on the Amazing Race, because they can't hear me, but my neighbors probably can!

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