Is it That Time of Year Again? A Play by Play of Dancing with the (so called) Stars

Every year I try to watch "Dancing with the Stars" and usually make it through the first three weeks and ultimately give up. This year will probably be no different. Tonight is the Season Premiere and I'm determined to stick it out to the very end (or at least until a better show premieres on Monday nights). Anyhoo, here's my play-by-play of episode one: (Note: a cocktail -or two- may have been involved, so if you disagree with anything, blame it on the vodka:

• Aaron Carter: His Meth Face is looking much better. My High School Graduation dress was made of the exact same lace fabric as his shirt (no - seriously).
• Chuck Liddell: I only know who he is because he once guest starred on "Entourage".  He dances like Frankenstein (if Frankenstein were to be in a dance competition. Likely)
• Iron Chef Guy: Naturally he danced to Kung Fu Fighting, no racial profiling here. He's actually good, although I kept expecting him to pull out a Samarui sword - or at the very least stop, open a chest and scream some random food product like, "SQUID".
• Ashley Hamilton: Self-claimed "actor/comedian". I will shell out $100 if anyone can tell me a comedic acting roll this guy has ever been in. Sadly I do remember that he was briefly married to Shannen Doherty. All I have to say about him is, sorry cutie you won't go far on your looks alone. By the way, his score was "15" ~ coincidentally the same number as his IQ. 
• Donny Osmond: Words cannot describe the hate I feel for Donny Osmond (second only to the "Hoff"). I'm not sure why I despise him so much, but the second he comes on the air my brain tells me is the time for my "third cocktail."

Yikers! they just did an audience shot of Marie Osmond and Jermaine Jackson. Hard to tell who has had more plastic surgery.

• Snow Boarder Dude: Good Hair, not so good dancing. See ya later dude. Actually I kind of like this guy - he reminds me of my ultra-shy musician son with the shag hair. I might have to vote for him (if only I knew what his name was)
• Michael Irving: Didn't know who he was (athletic me) but Parker filled me in. She has met him a few times and says he is ultra conceited. Therefore he must be eliminated. 
• Tom Delay: Looks like the creepy uncle who wants all the little-girl cousins to sit on his lap at the family reunion. Ca-reeeeppy. 

-Val

Seriously. I Need to Get a Life.

Much to my dismay I once again found myself watching (most) of the premier of Dancing with the Stars (that you've never heard of). Every year I anxiously start watching, trying to catch the "Dancing Fever" that for some reason captivates the rest of the country and inevitably after two or three episodes I find myself bored out of my mind and tuning into the Discovery Channel in favor of watching the plight of the Polar Bear over a 90's starlet in a glitter leotard doing the cha cha. 

Needless to say this will likely be the last and only post about Dancing with The Stars (until season 9 starts up again). I missed a few of the early dancers, including Belinda Carlisle, who I really wanted to see because as a young teen I worshipped her and the Go-Go's. Belinda and I had a lot in common back in the day - we both had the curse of the chunk - but luckily with good bone structure, which forgave some of the fat-face syndrome.  But then sometime around my senior year in High School, Belinda ditched the Go-Go's, got thin and sang that horrendous "Heaven is a Place on Earth" and our sisterhood was over. 

Lucky for me I did get to see Steve O - who was surprisingly sober, kind of sweet, and - one of the shittiest dancers of all times. However lets be honest, unless he comes out half-naked with a slice of bologna stapled to his nutsack, this guy has no way in hell of making it much longer in the competition. 

Denise Richards? One word: Fembot. Corky from "Life Goes On" has a quicker wit than this broad. Clearly, like the name of her amazingly fascinating E! reality show,  much of life really is "Complicated" for this brainiac.

Steve Wozniak? I think I yelled out "Nerd Alert" about thirty times during his boogie times. He'd be better off if he danced on his Segway or (as my son suggested) developed a computer program that made a hologram of himself dancing while the real Steve W. sat in the Green Room playing Dungeons and Dragons. My son, who would rather watch a marathon of 1970's Young and The Restless episodes than a ballroom dancing competition walked in to the room right as the judge Bruno was animatedly waxing poetically over Steve's Telly Tubby Tango and said, "That guy has a weird accent, where's he from?" to which I deadpanned "Gay Island" and proceeded to laugh for the next 10 minutes. (Note: I totally love the gays and meant it in the nicest way). 

I'm not even going to acknowledge the others because, to be honest I can't remember anyone else. I'm also not going to watch the results show (is their even a results show tonight?) because dog-gonnit, I have a life - and American Idol is on tonight!

-val

God Doesn't Care About Dancing

Last night after my 3-hour binge of reality TV (America's Next Top Model, Project Runway and Top Design) I finished the night with a little E! Entertainment News. In keeping with its journalistic integrity, E!'s first story was the demise of Kim Kardashian from Tuesday's Dancing with the Stars. Cut to a clip of a teary-eyed Kim telling the reporter that "God felt like it was time for me to leave." News flash Kim: God doesn't give a rat's ass about you and the dancing show. The American public decided you should leave because you are annoying, a bad dancer and maybe just a little bit conceited.

I'm not a religious person, but would like to think there is a higher power out there. However, I am always baffled when I watch a frivolous awards show (like the Oscars or the Grammys) and the winner's speech always contains a "shout out" to God. As if he cares whether or not Three Six Mafia win the Oscar for best song or some divine intervention  led Jennifer Hudson to beat out Cate Blanchett in the best supporting actress category. 

Maybe it's just me, but  I'm guessing that if their is a God, he might be concerned with more urgent matters like the crisis in Darfur or conflict in the Middle East. Then again, maybe he's a huge fan of Dancing with the Stars.

-Val

Dancing with the Ugggggggghhh.

Every year I try to watch Dancing With the Stars and inevitably give up out of sheer and utter boredom. I can only take so much of the Fox Trot and sequins. Not to mention the 2-hour marathon elimination rounds which remind me of  watching the Jerry Lewis Telethon, except Jerry's show goes by faster. This year, however with the addition of Cloris "have another cocktail" Leachman, I might be coaxed into sticking around!  

My first thought, when I saw Cloris was "hey she's got a baby bump." Then I sadly muttered, "Yikes, Alzheimer's and scotch sooo don't go together." Later after  the censors bleeped her filthy potty mouth for repeatedly dropping the f-bomb and cursing the judges, I was immediately reminded of Charlotte Reardon, the pill-popping vixen played by Cheri Oteri on SNL. They are clearly separated at birth.  Thank you Cloris - you are reality television gold!

Thought on the other "stars":

• Kim Kardashian needs to have some one-on-one time in a dark alley with  Tanya Harding's estranged husband Jeff Gillooly and his leg-crushing baseball bat. I hate her if for no other reason than her introduction reel, where she gets out of a Mercedes, shakes her Ta-Tas and pops open a bottle of bubbly. What, ABC didn't want to show a clip from her homemade porno where she gets peed on by her rapper ex-boyfriend Ray Jay? Instead of introducing her as "Reality Star Kim Kardashian" shouldn't they just say "World-Class Home-Porno Slut-Hobag Kim Kardashian"?
• Susan Lucci might just be as crazy as Cloris, but I think the meds keep her in check. She will probably win because all of her psycho housewife soap opera fans will vote for her. Also, she is a fattie.
• Hey Toni Braxton we get it, you have a heart ailment. Come crying to us when you are missing a limb or your eyesight - until then shut your trap. 
• Is it me or has Cheryl Burke put on a few pounds? Is that back fat I see popping out of that sparkly feathery leotard? Someone's been downing too many Cosmos at Villa with the Lachey and Lawerence brothers. (I'm one to talk, considering my body is perfect).
• Brooke Burns might also need some private time with Jeff Gillooly and his leg-shattering baseball bat. No mother of four should have a body that good. 

UPDATE:

I just turned on "day two" of Dancing with The Stars(?!) and Cloris Leachman is even more batshit crazy than last night! 

-val