Dancing with the Ugggggggghhh.

Every year I try to watch Dancing With the Stars and inevitably give up out of sheer and utter boredom. I can only take so much of the Fox Trot and sequins. Not to mention the 2-hour marathon elimination rounds which remind me of  watching the Jerry Lewis Telethon, except Jerry's show goes by faster. This year, however with the addition of Cloris "have another cocktail" Leachman, I might be coaxed into sticking around!  

My first thought, when I saw Cloris was "hey she's got a baby bump." Then I sadly muttered, "Yikes, Alzheimer's and scotch sooo don't go together." Later after  the censors bleeped her filthy potty mouth for repeatedly dropping the f-bomb and cursing the judges, I was immediately reminded of Charlotte Reardon, the pill-popping vixen played by Cheri Oteri on SNL. They are clearly separated at birth.  Thank you Cloris - you are reality television gold!

Thought on the other "stars":

• Kim Kardashian needs to have some one-on-one time in a dark alley with  Tanya Harding's estranged husband Jeff Gillooly and his leg-crushing baseball bat. I hate her if for no other reason than her introduction reel, where she gets out of a Mercedes, shakes her Ta-Tas and pops open a bottle of bubbly. What, ABC didn't want to show a clip from her homemade porno where she gets peed on by her rapper ex-boyfriend Ray Jay? Instead of introducing her as "Reality Star Kim Kardashian" shouldn't they just say "World-Class Home-Porno Slut-Hobag Kim Kardashian"?
• Susan Lucci might just be as crazy as Cloris, but I think the meds keep her in check. She will probably win because all of her psycho housewife soap opera fans will vote for her. Also, she is a fattie.
• Hey Toni Braxton we get it, you have a heart ailment. Come crying to us when you are missing a limb or your eyesight - until then shut your trap. 
• Is it me or has Cheryl Burke put on a few pounds? Is that back fat I see popping out of that sparkly feathery leotard? Someone's been downing too many Cosmos at Villa with the Lachey and Lawerence brothers. (I'm one to talk, considering my body is perfect).
• Brooke Burns might also need some private time with Jeff Gillooly and his leg-shattering baseball bat. No mother of four should have a body that good. 

UPDATE:

I just turned on "day two" of Dancing with The Stars(?!) and Cloris Leachman is even more batshit crazy than last night! 

-val