Is it That Time of Year Again? A Play by Play of Dancing with the (so called) Stars

Every year I try to watch "Dancing with the Stars" and usually make it through the first three weeks and ultimately give up. This year will probably be no different. Tonight is the Season Premiere and I'm determined to stick it out to the very end (or at least until a better show premieres on Monday nights). Anyhoo, here's my play-by-play of episode one: (Note: a cocktail -or two- may have been involved, so if you disagree with anything, blame it on the vodka:

• Aaron Carter: His Meth Face is looking much better. My High School Graduation dress was made of the exact same lace fabric as his shirt (no - seriously).
• Chuck Liddell: I only know who he is because he once guest starred on "Entourage".  He dances like Frankenstein (if Frankenstein were to be in a dance competition. Likely)
• Iron Chef Guy: Naturally he danced to Kung Fu Fighting, no racial profiling here. He's actually good, although I kept expecting him to pull out a Samarui sword - or at the very least stop, open a chest and scream some random food product like, "SQUID".
• Ashley Hamilton: Self-claimed "actor/comedian". I will shell out $100 if anyone can tell me a comedic acting roll this guy has ever been in. Sadly I do remember that he was briefly married to Shannen Doherty. All I have to say about him is, sorry cutie you won't go far on your looks alone. By the way, his score was "15" ~ coincidentally the same number as his IQ. 
• Donny Osmond: Words cannot describe the hate I feel for Donny Osmond (second only to the "Hoff"). I'm not sure why I despise him so much, but the second he comes on the air my brain tells me is the time for my "third cocktail."

Yikers! they just did an audience shot of Marie Osmond and Jermaine Jackson. Hard to tell who has had more plastic surgery.

• Snow Boarder Dude: Good Hair, not so good dancing. See ya later dude. Actually I kind of like this guy - he reminds me of my ultra-shy musician son with the shag hair. I might have to vote for him (if only I knew what his name was)
• Michael Irving: Didn't know who he was (athletic me) but Parker filled me in. She has met him a few times and says he is ultra conceited. Therefore he must be eliminated. 
• Tom Delay: Looks like the creepy uncle who wants all the little-girl cousins to sit on his lap at the family reunion. Ca-reeeeppy. 

-Val