Goodbye 30's. The Final Push

I have a little more than a week left before I turn 40. I should be trying to enjoy the fleeting days of my 30's, and although they say "40 is the new 30", I can't help but contemplate what a difference turning 40 vs. turning 30 really is:

Over the past year or so, I wake up looking less like the girl I was in college and more and more like Benecio del Toro. Yesterday, I was so puffy that you 'd a thunk I'd spend the night before at Joe Francis's house doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and Mischa Barton til 4 am. As I result, last night I smeared approximately 2 tablespoons of Preparation H under my eyes and this morning I looked less Benecio del Toro like and more like his younger brother, Paco. That stuff works!

I'm convinced that if I was on the show "Survivor" I'd be the only contestant who actually gained weight. After years of yo-yo dieting, I'd like the thank my metabolism for being slower than a one-legged, blind turtle.

I forget words all the time. Yesterday it took me over 30 seconds to remember the word "Clip Board."

Some mornings I wake up and am so stiff that I have to do a jelly roll off the bed. I'd like to thank my dad for the hereditary arthritis and weak discs.

I've always been moody - but the older I get the meaner I become. Yesterday I went to return a pair of jeans at Macy's and the lady in front of me had a Santa Claus-sized bag of children's clothes that she needed to return (as well as about 30 new replacement outfits for her precocious daughter who chatted and danced aimlessly about during the 20-minute transaction). I honestly thought I was going to have an aneurysm or go into a turrets-filled tirade over having to wait. Lately, when someone cuts me off in traffic I practically grit my teeth into whittled stubs. I may have to take up quaaludes.

But in all honesty, turning 40 isn't all bad. There are a few upsides to getting old(er):

For example, at 30 I was changing diapers, buying formula and carting two toddlers off to day care every day - while working full time. Today I work part time (by choice) and make the same amount of money I was making full time at 30.

I live in a much nicer house (of course with a much larger mortgage.) I also have more discretionary income - and a teenager who spends it all vicariously on candy, video games and music.

I don't have to go through the grueling process of dating, puberty or shyness. I also haven't had a zit in almost a year.