Friday, September 18, 2009

Picture Day

Today is "picture day" at my kids Junior High. When I was a teen, picture day was a big deal. I spent days planning my outfit and prayed to God that I didn't get an overnight case of terminal acne. Meanwhile my kids couldn't care less about picture day.

The reality is, you have to order pictures of your kids every year. If you don't you are considered a shitty parent. So last night I spent a good 20 minutes filling out the forms for the kids school pics - by the way, could you guys make the small print any smaller? Great, I'm practically legally blind seeing at a distance and now I when I look at small print I literally get sea sick. Nevermind that they had umpteen different package options (look cuties, I don't need $75 worth of pics of my kid standing in front of a faux brick wall) but nowadays you can also pay extra to have the blemishes removed or dish out even more cash to "Whiten teeth, smooth skin tone, remove scars and fly away hair." That is an actual quote from the school picture pamphlet. Is it the cover of Vogue or Jr High pictures? Listen up, If I had to get my 8th grade pic with a giant zit and fu**ed up hair then so do my kids god damnit. Inevitably, everyone has their "horrible school picture moment." Mine occurred in 8th grade when I decided to cut off all my hair in favor of the Olivia Newton "Let's Get Physical" look. FYI: this look doesn't work if your hair is naturally the texture of a Brillo pad.

Parker doesn't have kids, but I'm sure if she did she would go balls to the wall dishing out the extra "air brushing" money to make little Daddy Warbucks Junior look like Zac Efron. Below, her account of her Jr. High school picture nightmare:

I was 12 when my brother and I got into basically the Olympics of all pillow fights. I ducked down to get more ammo and ate it literally into our 1970s pool table that roughly weighed 3 tons of solid metal and wood. I looked up at my brother said "You missed me" with half my two front teeth missing. My mom Nancy took me to a doc in the box who basically put two yellow Chicklets on my front teeth and sent me on my way. As a 5'8 12-year-old I was now no longer "Mt. Everest" but instead "yellow teeth" to my classmates. My school pics came back and literally my two front teeth were in the shape of an upside V in the shade of "sunshine yellow." Months later my brother threw my friend from the shallow end to deep end of our pool and as I plunged to the surface of the from the deep -end her head met my Chicklet teeth that instantly popped out and disintegrated instantly in the chlorine. This time Nancy took me to a real dentist and thankfully I was "Mount Everest" again. Every time I see that school picture I think "thannnnnnks Nancy."

I couldn't find my Lemon-flavored Chicklet Teeth school photo, but the photo above is me at probably the age of 8. At least my hair was healthy.

Parker & Val

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