TV Wasteland Part Deux

Can someone tell me why (at last count) I have over 400 channels of cable television yet day after day I find myself watching iCarly with my kids out of sheer desperation for just an iota of entertainment. Of course every once in a while I catch a preview of a show that I have somehow missed and say aloud "Why didn't anyone tell me Steven Seagal Lawman is an actual show?"

Needless to say I am counting down the days until American Idol and Celebrity Rehab part III (Heidi Fleiss, McKenzie Phillips and Tom Sizemore in one scrumptidalicious sugar-coated train wreck) come back in a few weeks. Even the new Bachelor is looking good right about now. Yikers!

In the meantime I am still obsessed with "Hoarders." I can't explain it, but nothing sucks me in more than a family of people living in a pile of their own crap and an assortment of animal feces. Inevitably, 99% of the Hoarders are either morbidly obese, over the age of 70 (often both) or crazy cat ladies. Cat people and Hoarders go hand and hand like peanut butter and jelly. I can't even count how many times the poor bastards from 1-800-JUNK have shown up with shovel in hands and scooped up cat skeletons - poor things usually flattened in between a Teddy Ruxpin and a box full of tax records from 1972. One Hoarder - an educated lady in her late sixties actually lived in her kitchen, strapped to a chair so she wouldn't slide and drown under a pile of Sunny D bottles and El Pollo Loco wrappers (don't even ask me about the diapers that she wore and disposed of by throwing into a pile in the corner by the linen closet for 2 years straight).

Holy shit....the new tv season really can't come fast enough.

Reality Roundup

by Parker & Val

Haven't blogged in a while - too busy immersed in the new Reality television season. Here are some thoughts:

Rachel Zoe Project: Her real "project" should involve eating a hoagie sandwich now and then and washing it down with a Supersized McDonald's Snickers McFlurry. Still the show is 60 minutes of eye candy. Her assistant Taylor (who they all call "Tay Tay", perhaps the most annoying nickname ever created) is such an ungrateful Clorox-haired bitch. She has repeatedly whined about having had to work for Rachel for 3 years (3 YEARS - oh the humanity) and still hasn't been promoted. Welcome to the real world "TAY TAY". Try selling radio for 15 years. If you are so damn miserable, I'm sure Forever 21 is hiring.

More to Love: We've pretty much given up on this show (especially when he sent home the real fatties) but Parker caught the most recent episode where Luke (a.k.a. the Playa with the Mayo) went on a date with one of the Low-Self-Esteem girls and asked her if she could see herself marrying him in the future. Of course the needy chick beamed, "Yes!", because who could resist that hunk of a man? Less than 48 hours later, he sent her packing. Way to pump up her confidence Luke. Maybe next week he'll choke on an eclair.

Flipping Out: This show has totally lost it's focus this year. We don't care that your assistant didn't get enough "brown salsa" at Baja Fresh. Show me some god-damned throw pillows. And what's with Zoila (the Hispanic maid) all of the sudden yukking it up for the cameras? Did the producers throw in an extra $200 per episode if she acts like a cougar and tries to proposition every gardener that crosses her path?

Hoarders: Does anyone remember back in the 1980's and 90's when NBC would air a show with a serious plot and the promo would announce: "On a VERY special episode of...." (like the time that Michael J. Fox took pep pills to study for a test on 'Family Ties' or George Clooney got trapped in a storm drain on "ER"?) Well this week, A&E should have aired a promo that said, "On a VERY Fu*cked-up episode of 'Hoarders'", because those folks on Monday night's episode were all sorts of batshit crazy. One lady had a total of 75 cats in her house (of course 41 of them were skeletons hidden under all her crap). They also featured a 21 year old gay basketcase who refused to pick up the massive chunks of dog hair embedded in his carpet because he was afraid it might kill his dog. Can you say "television gold"? Parker refuses to watch this show because she's afraid the sight of moldy food in a corner might make her throw up in her mouth.

Top Chef: This year takes place in Las Vegas and for some inexplicable reason, Bravo has decided to put the chef's up in a mansion which was clearly built and decorated in 1986 (pink Formica with matching sheer green drapes). Geez, because they couldn't find a better more aesthetically pleasing locale, what with all the amazing hotels in the area? I'm pretty sure in this economy they could have gotten a bargain price on a block of rooms at the Bellagio. Secondly, if you are going to be on Top Chef, we feel that it might be wise to remove all facial piercings before going on camera. Just a thought.

Baked Couch Potato

After the crazy weekend in Arizona, followed immediately by a house full of relatives visiting, I am enjoying my short weekend reprieve of drinking sugar free mocha cappuccinos and television watching. Here's the rundown (so far)...

Hoarders:

First of all, why did no one tell me that A& E has a new show called "Hoarders"? I have always had a secret fascination with hoarders, and while I don't usually watch Oprah, I try and never miss an Oprah episode about hoarders. Basically, throw a couple of cameras in front of a nutjob trapped in his/her own trash, Dollar Store purchases and newspapers from the past 20 years and I am hooked. Perhaps it's because I grew up with a mom who (while def. not a hoarder) never wanted to throw anything away. I have photographic evidence of this from when I recently visited her and found the 1970's "Cat and Owl" prints that used to hang on my psychedelic yellow floral wallpaper, now proudly hanging in her bathroom along with a medicine cabinet full of NeoSporin tubes from 1981. But I digress - although I missed the first episode of "Hoarders", rest assured it is now on my Tivo "series record".

Project Runway:

When Project Runway left Bravo for Lifetime, Bravo reacted by quickly producing a copy-cat show staring Isaac Mizrahi and the non-working girl from Destiny's Child called "The Fashion Show." Sadly, I wasted 12 precious hours of my life watching that crapfest, with sub par wannabe designers. Now, thank the lord, Project Runway is back with my gay-crush Tim Gunn, and the never-gets-fat-even-when-she's-pregnant Heidi Klum. After catching the first episode, I am already hopeless hooked. Certainly anyone who watched will agree that "Qystal" (which I think is "Crystal" with a "Q") doesn't have the chops to be there (and besides, if you are spelling Crystal with a "Q" you should automatically be eliminated for stupidity). Also, Lindsay Lohan took time away from her line-snorting and lesbian experimentation to a judge and only furthered what I already suspected: that she is a conceited bitch. Ironically the designer who went home looked exactly like Lindsay's on and off girlfriend Samantha Ronson.

Added bonus: This season, Project Runway has a spin off called "Models of the Runway." I accidentally came across this 30 minute gem (and after seeing 16 aneroxic girls living together in a downtown LA loft, immediately put down the cinnamon streusel cake I was munching on) and came to the conclusion that all the models of the runway need to go hang out at the "More to Love" house and eat a god damned pizza.

More tv roundups to come.....