There are two places that I consider "sacred": the Library and any Bookstore. So you can imagine my horror yesterday when I trekked down to my neighborhood library and saw a sign that said "DO NOT DISTURB: STUDENT PERFORMANCE". Seriously? Ummm, it's a library, not Broadway. Much to my dismay the lobby was askew with about 10 6th graders dressed in their finest togas (i.e. white sheets with plastic leaves on their heads) reenacting ancient Greek history. Well, just like no one puts "Baby in the Corner", No one locks Val out of the library. So I got all Rosa Parks and quietly sauntered through the library foyer (while the little thespians' mothers threw me the evil eye) and stomped loudly upstairs to the library.
As I made my way to the "New Books" section, I encountered what could only be called a House Party of toddlers, led by a female version of Richard Simmons after smoking a bowl of crack and drinking a case of Red Bull. This lady was more than psyched to be there reading to the toddlers - and best of all they were all wearing homemade paper hats that looked like a cross between Samuel L. Jackson's Kangool beanie and the Pope's hat. Did I forget to mention she told the little monsters to sit "Criss Cross Applesauce" about 400 times?
I'm all for reading to kids, but this lady was diabolical. She had chosen the classic children's novel "Kitty Kitty" (?#*?) and before reading this amazingly complicated tour de force she announced that "Kitty Kitty" was just "Chillin". Yo, is this the story of MC Skat Kat from the Paula Abdul video "Opposites Attract"? Regardless, what I really wanted to do was turn around and tell female Richard Simmons on Red Bull to take it down a notch, that this is a library not a Guns N Roses concert, and unless those children are legally deaf, I'm pretty sure she could use her "inside voice". How am I expected to decide between Anita Shrieve's latest novel and the Jules Asner smutty novel with "Kitty Kitty" roaring in my head? I finally grabbed a bunch of questionable new books, and got the hell out of there, all they while whispering to myself "Suck it Kitty Kitty".