MMMMMmmmmm Bacon

In the wife's defense, she was probably about to start her period.

Thank god Tom doesn't take inventory of our food, or he would have most certainly called the Fuzz after discovering the half eaten bag of Kettle Cooked Lay's BBQ Chips (I'm not a big chip eater, so I would've totally denied it) that I vacuumed down while watching "A Perfect Storm" at midnight on HBO the other night. Is it just me, or do movies that seem great in the theater somehow manage to exponentially suck more and more with each passing year? ('Armageddon', 'Pearl Harbor', and most other Ben Affleck films come to mind).

I remember seeing "A Perfect Storm" in the theater back in 2000 and thinking it was edge-of-my-seat-exciting (I also left the theater uber-impressed by George Clooney and Marky Mark Walhberg's amazing portrayals as fishermen with a taste for danger -but hearts of gold). Funny, nine years later while shoveling down a bag of chips, I found myself screaming "Turn the God Damn Boat around SMARTIES!!!, " at least 50 times and, at 2 a.m. when the movie was finally over, muttering to myself "More like 'The Perfect Shit Storm' ". In my defense I was cranky because I was just about to start my period. Bacon.

-val

Idol Is Dead To Me (not really)

Below is an actual excerpt from a texting conversation  between me and Parker on Wed night. (note: Parker lives in Texas and therefore gets to watch Idol a whopping  2 hours before I get the "Live" feed in California).

Parker: "I'm so sad crying right now can't tell  u why"

Val: "Why can't you tell me, cutie? What's wrong????" 

Parker: "No. Too upset"

Val: "Wait - does this have something to do with Idol? Or is it something serious?"

Parker: "It IS Idol. And it is Serious"

Val: "Shit - Allison is going  home, isn't she???"

Parker: "Can't say. Just can't stop crying..... D.W. is actually getting worried about me. I better get my period soon."

The Next day.......

Val: "Are you over the Allison debacle? Jesus, is it the death of Simon LeBon or Allison getting voted off Idol? But you are right - Allison was robbed." 

Parker: "Right now I hate Danny Gokey, his scratchy voice and his stupid glasses."

Val: "Harsh. Do you hate  his deceased wife too?"

Parker: "I think I'm going to go online buy an Allison tee shirt."

Val: "You're a Winner"

Parker: "Total winner"

Idol Thoughts: Rock N Roll Hoochie Coo

Parker's Thoughts:

1. I'm madly in love with Alison and Adam and may throw my remote at the TV if they don't go to the finale together.
2. Someone needs to tie Kara up and feed her a Fried Shrimp Po-Boy with extra mayo stat. She has become more alien-lollipop-faced each week. I saw her once on an interview saying that she "once had an eating disorder." No Shit, Sherlock. 
3. I will say Kara has required Paula to up her game and stay off her meds this year. She has yet to think that someone sang twice when they have only gone once. Impressive!
4. Danny Gokey (aka Robert Downey Jr. without the edge) murdered Aerosmith - although he thought he did great.

Val's Thoughts:

1. Is it wrong that I actually like Adam's version of "Whole Lotta Love" better than the Led Zepplin rendition? (Side note: I once saw Led Zepplin lead singer Robert Plant at a hotel I worked at and he looked like a homeless dude on a 7-day crack binge. I'm just saying)
2. I'm pretty sure that I purchased Paula's gold-plated star-with-attached-rainbow earrings at Contempo Casuals back in 1984. I paid a whopping $14.95 for those little fu**kers. (Today you can probably buy them from Paula's Home Shopping Network collection for $39.99). (Side note; I once saw Paula Abdul at a TGI Fridays wearing a hideous Bustier and ordering the E-Coli Chicken Salad. Again, I'm just saying). 
3. Speaking of Paula: She just came out in Redbook (or some other Menopausal magazine) saying that up until last November, she had a raging painkiller addiction. No Shit Sherlock, indeed.
4. Slash: Umm...Thanks for all the warm fuzzies and good advice, Slash. Don't hold back now. While you're at it Mr. "Wordsmith", have another hit of heroin and a shot of Jack Daniel's.
5. The Duet with Danny and Kris: Hey Danny, you might want to put on your contacts before belting out Styx's "Renegade". Those metro sexual glasses from LensCrafters are so NOT Rock N' Roll.
6. Hmmm... Is it Kris Allen or Mick Jagger? Kris is cute but has about as much Rock N' Roll stage presence as a dry biscuit. (Sorry Kris).
7. Danny Gokey Does Aerosmith: First of all, say it don't spray it, Danny. Nice rocker outfit. Is he a freaking beeper salesman circa 1992? JC Penney pinstripe pant/vest ensemble: $49.99. Vintage purple oxford from Chess King: $19.99. Handcuff chain necklace from Spencer: $16.99.  Sounding like you are being put feet-first into a wood chipper during the last note of Aerosmith's "Dream On": Priceless.
8. Alison and Adam's Duet: AMAZING. Of course Foghat always sounds great after 3 Vodka cocktails.

More Things that Piss Me Off

by Parker

• People that write checks and don’t actually take out their check book to start the process until they are fully rung up, and then proceed to balance their check book while you wait. I pretty much want to turn into the Brick-looking Monster Guy from Fantastic Four and clobber them at this point. Literally I have been behind someone at the airport toll booth writing a check. I am a magnet for this.

• People that cannot wait for me for two seconds to go after the light turns green. Granted I'm probably texting, eating or filing my nails or a combo of all three, but really you cant wait two second before you lay on your horn. Really? 

• Spending 45 minutes straightening my Chakka Kahn hair, walking out of the house and having one whiff of Texas humidity make me look like I have homeless woman hair in 5 seconds. 

• Utility bills in Texas. Is it my mortgage or my A/C bill?

• Proudly presenting my coupons at Costco once they ring me up for hundreds of dollars, only to have them say “Umm... sorry Ma'am these don’t start for another week”

• Inevitably something is always broken on our house and its never like 50 bucks to fix ever, but rather at least 2k. I am convinced workers come to our house think 'nice digs' and proceed to ass rape us on our repair. If we say we will get a second quote somehow the first suddenly comes back thousands less. Like they would do a repair at someone’s trailer home and tell them it will 4k to fix that pipe, and 1k to unearth and move the plastic flamingos out of the way.

 

Things that Piss Me Off

by Val

• When I'm trying to buy my morning gallon of Pepsi before work and the crazy lady in front of me is buying lottery tickets with with a baggie full of change.
  
• How I can clean my garage (or should I say Tom can clean our garage) and within 3 weeks it looks exactly like the outdoor set of "Sanford and Son". This also applies to my closet. Since when did I become the Pied Piper of Crap?
• When I slow down or stop to let a person exit a parking lot in front of me and they don't give me the universal "thanks" wave. Bastards.
• When my TIVO cuts out just before the last song on American Idol (or the scenes from next week's "Real Housewives of New York")
• That it takes almost a year to grow out my bangs, yet when I shave my bikini area it takes less than 24 hours to turn into Sasquatch in a thong. 
• That the show "NCIS" is still on the air. Really? I don't know a single person who has ever watched an episode. 
• "Swine Flu Watch". Enough with the hysteria. For crying out loud it's the FLU. Call me when the Black Plague is in town.