Tsunami Warning & How Your Toothpaste Might be Killing You

Last night I'm in the bathroom (plucking another whisker from my chin - my new nickname: "Billy Goat") when I hear the following: "Tsunami warning for Southern California. Details at 11:00"


Call me crazy but if the KABC anchor Michelle Tuzee is going to throw Tsunami threats my way in a cheery sing-song voice during the commercial break of Dancing With The Stars, she might want to get more specific. Of course the second I heard the word Tsunami I had a vision of me floating in a sea of angry waves clutching our turtle and dog, while my husband and children clung to life on a makeshift raft of couch pillows and styrofoam. 


Obviously the Tsunami warning was no big deal, but when will the scare tactics to gain more viewers stop? Every other night it's something different: "Is your toothpaste killing you? Tune in at 11:00" or "TV Star Arrested for selling crack cocaine!! Tune in at 11:00" (inevitably it is never anyone good like Charlie Sheen, but rather the lady who plays his housekeeper that no one has heard of. (Actually I do know her name and it's Concheta Farrell, proof once more that I watch way too much tv). My point however, is that  it's just not cool to throw the word "Tsunami" around when the chances are 1 billion to one. Shame on you Michelle Tuzee.... 
-val

Dexter's Garage

After a long and rather uneventful weekend one thing became very clear to me. I'm almost certain that one of my neigbors is "Dexter" (or at least Dexter like). Truly there is no other explanation.

On Saturday I decided to finally take the 4 black Hefty garbage bags of old clothing to the Good Will, thus cleaning out a small portion of my very cluttered garage. In my defense my garage is really the only cluttered part of my house, but that's what garages are for, right?  As I stuffed the giant bags into my Prius I looked across the alley at my neighbors' open garage door and there is was: The most sparkly-could-eat-off-the-floor-clean garage I've ever seen. Seriously it was diabolical. Over the years I've seen the wife actually vacuuming said garage on almost a weekly basis. For Christ's sake they've lived there for like 8 years. Aside from a small television mounted in the corner and a wall where they hang tools (i.e. scapals for cutting up their victims?) the garage is completely empty.

I don't really know these people well, except for the stink eye they give me when they happen to get a glimpse of my open garage, but there most certainly is something wrong with these people.  The most likely conclusion is that they kill people and surgically cut them to pieces in their pristine germ free garage. Dexter would be proud.
-Val

TMI Mackenzie...TMI

Mackenzie Phillips is on the "I Had Sex with my Dad" publicity tour - hitting Oprah today to hype her new book. While I love seedy Hollywood gossip, even this goes beyond the limits of my taste and decorum. I therefore am compelled to write an open letter to Mackenzie:

Dear Mackenzie:
Is it not enough that we all know you've been a heroin addict since like the age of 6? You've also proudly admitted to having a one-nighter with Mick Jagger as a teen (Mick must have had some major 'beer goggles' on that night because I'm pretty sure he could have gotten someone who didn't have  the body of a 12 year old boy and acne scars). Then last year you brilliantly went through LAX security with a dozen syringes up your pant leg (Kudos!). At least that stunt got you a gig on Celebrity Rehab.

But that's not enough is it? It's obvious to me that your Bank of America Interest Maximizer Account with the residuals of "One Day At a Time" has dried up, and what better way to make a buck than to spill the beans about shooting up and doing the nasty with your creepy, jaundice-skinned, junkie dad? What's even worse is that it continued for 10 years (10 years?) and he even impregnated you (Holy vomit-in-my-mouth). Listen up Pizza Face: This is TMI (too much information)! Schneider would be so disappointed in you.

-Val

Is it That Time of Year Again? A Play by Play of Dancing with the (so called) Stars

Every year I try to watch "Dancing with the Stars" and usually make it through the first three weeks and ultimately give up. This year will probably be no different. Tonight is the Season Premiere and I'm determined to stick it out to the very end (or at least until a better show premieres on Monday nights). Anyhoo, here's my play-by-play of episode one: (Note: a cocktail -or two- may have been involved, so if you disagree with anything, blame it on the vodka:

• Aaron Carter: His Meth Face is looking much better. My High School Graduation dress was made of the exact same lace fabric as his shirt (no - seriously).
• Chuck Liddell: I only know who he is because he once guest starred on "Entourage".  He dances like Frankenstein (if Frankenstein were to be in a dance competition. Likely)
• Iron Chef Guy: Naturally he danced to Kung Fu Fighting, no racial profiling here. He's actually good, although I kept expecting him to pull out a Samarui sword - or at the very least stop, open a chest and scream some random food product like, "SQUID".
• Ashley Hamilton: Self-claimed "actor/comedian". I will shell out $100 if anyone can tell me a comedic acting roll this guy has ever been in. Sadly I do remember that he was briefly married to Shannen Doherty. All I have to say about him is, sorry cutie you won't go far on your looks alone. By the way, his score was "15" ~ coincidentally the same number as his IQ. 
• Donny Osmond: Words cannot describe the hate I feel for Donny Osmond (second only to the "Hoff"). I'm not sure why I despise him so much, but the second he comes on the air my brain tells me is the time for my "third cocktail."

Yikers! they just did an audience shot of Marie Osmond and Jermaine Jackson. Hard to tell who has had more plastic surgery.

• Snow Boarder Dude: Good Hair, not so good dancing. See ya later dude. Actually I kind of like this guy - he reminds me of my ultra-shy musician son with the shag hair. I might have to vote for him (if only I knew what his name was)
• Michael Irving: Didn't know who he was (athletic me) but Parker filled me in. She has met him a few times and says he is ultra conceited. Therefore he must be eliminated. 
• Tom Delay: Looks like the creepy uncle who wants all the little-girl cousins to sit on his lap at the family reunion. Ca-reeeeppy. 

-Val

I'm Not Afraid to Get Sand On My Tuxedo

This is why the 80's were so great. I was a little depressed this morning (40 is only a day away) but then I saw this video and almost wet my pants. I think I might have dated the guy holding the rose who's "Looking for THE Goddess." And I'm quite sure I had the same blue and black sweater of the "Fashion Photographer."