Monday, April 21, 2014

"Lindsay": Yes I Watched It.

I had no intention of watching "Lindsay" until my 19 year-old nephew, who probably knows more about pop culture then me, told me what a shit storm of greatness I was missing. Eventually I found it on On Demand and got sucked into that mess faster than you can say "she's so not sober".

It's no wonder she's a crazy nervous wreck. If I had to unpack that many boxes it would send me into such an anxiety-ridden tizzy that I would require a wine IV just to deal. And then there's her no-nonsense assistant, Matt, who I actually kind of liked, even though I thought by episode 4 he should have ripped off his 3-piece Jos. e Banks suit jacket, loosened that tie and given her the 'come to Jesus' talk.

This show was advertised as a "Documentary" but we learned absolutely nothing, except maybe that she doesn't own an alarm clock or a bra. I literally cringed when I saw all her designer clothes (which most certainly were given to her for free) strewn throughout her apartment - disregarded the way some hoarders keep dead kittens, or their own feces. When I was 27, my wardrobe consisted of the finest designers that TJ Maxx had to offer on the Saturday after pay day. You'd never find my new 1996 Ralph Lauren Chaps brand khakis thrown in a corner next to an ashtray in my home.

By last night's finale, I think we were supposed to be rooting for her, but sorry girlfriend, I'm just not feeling it. I would never joke about a miscarriage, but when she admitted that she had missed two weeks of filming because she had a 'miscarriage'  I didn't quite believe her. Somehow she strikes me as the person who would be in the hospital - on camera - demanding morphine at the first sign of a miscarriage. I am probably going to hell for that one. OWN did not renew the show, but it did end with her possibly getting a book deal. The day I see a book written by Lindsay Lohan at Barnes & Noble is the day I lose faith entirely in humanity.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

An Open Letter to CNN:
I've watched for over a month while you've waxed poetically about the missing Malaysian flight. The truth is, it's a major bummer, and had a family member of mine been in that plane, you'd probably find me in a neon pink Versace scuba suit, scouring the seas for an iota of evidence for that mother fucking plane. But as day 50-something approaches, let's call a spade a spade - the plane is a goner. I don't need to hear Don Lemon chatting with the guy who looks like Basel from Austin Powers droning on and on in his charming English accent and bad teeth about what the "pings' could possibly mean. I don't need to see the childish graphic of the plane circumnavigating the globe in a crazy zig zag pattern for the umpteenth time. Oh and 'Earth to CNN', it's no longer 'BREAKING NEWS." Take down the model plane sitting on your desk and move on....move on already! When you find a floating mini bottle of Turning Leaf Chardonnay and a plastic cup alongside a Vera Bradley overnight case off the coast of Australia, let us know. Until then, how about throwing in a little more info on the Korean slinking ferry or the Ukraine for god's sake.

We're Back....

After over two years, we decided to take another shot at this blog thing. Hopefully some of our old readers will remember us and maybe a few new ones will join along the way. Get ready for some unadulterated bitchiness and real to hear from anyone in the comment section!
God bless, Val & Parker

Friday, February 4, 2011

Time Email from 2004

Yesterday, after going through all the email on my main server, I found a file called "Funny Emails". It was like opening a time capsule to August 2004 (almost 7 years ago).... here is a portion of the email back and forth between me and Parker

To Val:
From Parker:
Hi cutie, how are you? We went to Sushi and then watched "Cold Mountain", which I really liked except I couldn't get past Nicole Kidman's perfectly botoxed face. I was happy however to finally see a decent movie in our media room after a bunch of stinkers. DW didn't like it so much but then again his favs are Police Academy, Zoolander and Undercover Brother. I want to see Elephant, it is a high school Gus van Zant Sundance movie based on the Columbine Shootings. 

I am so overwhelmed right now I feel like I have been gone for two weeks on vaca and I am just getting back. I am also going to have another cancellation this week so I will be the big loser again. Write back when you can, I know this email is so thrilling. I am too beaten down to be funny.

To Parker
From Val:
 Sorry about the work slump, cutie. At least the new Fall Season is starting, so there will be some new t.v. shows to make fun of. My kids  can't wait to see "Joey" so I have that to look forward to. I spent most of the weekend playing on my new computer. Tom was really mad at me for getting an Apple and on Sat he spent all morning cursing at the computer and saying aloud  "This computer  Sucks! Why would anyone get an Apple?"  Sunday he finally got it figured out. I'm like because an  "Apple E-Mac" is a bad computer,  Whatever, it's not like I went out and bought an 8 track player. 

Yesterday I got out all our old videos from the camcorder we purchased  a few years ago and figured out how to make movies on the computer. I put together a montage of the kids doing karate, riding bikes b-day parties etc... and put it to the music of Pink's "Let Get This Party Started." Is it Spike Jones or Val?

Also yesterday we took my son and his 3 best friend bowling for his  b-day. As pathetic as it is, I actually had fun, even wearing the kids size 4 cutie bowling shoes. We also went out for Pizza. It was a  crazy-ass trailer-trash b-day extravaganza.  

I assume you missed Casino last night. It wasn't that great, except that a porno star was making the moves on the best man/brother of the groom, while his girlfriend/bridesmaid watched. Then his ex-girlfriend was in the wedding as well, and trouble ensued as all the skanks vied  for his attention. Finally his girlfriend went upstairs and packed and left while bestman/brother walked sadly down the hall in his hideous groom attire, which looked like Bugsy Siegel meets Huggy Bear. (Long  tails, 1950's mafia hat with white satin stripe, etc...) Have you seen the promos on MTV for a new reality show called "Laguna Beach?" It follows young spoiled rich kids who live in Laguna as they go to the beach (and do it), surf then get drunk) and whatever else it is that teenagers do these day (be lazy and mooch off their parents.) I will be watching it like a hawk circling over a dead rabbit on the road. 

Wow - talk about a blast from the past, I remember when Cold Mountain came out and as Parker said, Nicole Kidman had not a wrinkle on her face. Let's be real, if any one of us were living in the circumstances that she did in Cold Mountain, we would all have deep dirt-encrusted wrinkles, butter-colored teeth, black circles under our eyes and shag-carpet head hair. I can almost guarantee you that if we took a time machine back to the Cold Mountain days - we would be hard pressed to find anyone over the age of 17 with a Nicole Kidman-smooth face. Parker wasn't kidding about DW - to this day he still loves and quotes "Undercover Brother" - but then again,  who can resist a 1970's themed movie starring Eddie Griffin and the talented Denice Richards? 

I am also amazed that my kids were excited to see "JOEY" of course they were only 6 and 8 at the time, so its not as if they are going to sit through an episode of NOVA. I love how my husband hated our first Apple computer and just 2 nights ago he looked over at me while perusing his iPad and said "God, Apple is so great!"

I don't even know what "Casino" was (but clearly I wasn't talking about the classic Martin Scorsece flick). I think it was probably an early reality show and most certainly a huge waste of my time in 2004.

So here we are seven years later, now we have both Nicole Kidman's forehead, are still complaining about work, still watching crap reality (but both of us have really curbed our reality addiction and are both completely off the gossip magazines), and still making fun of anything we can think of.....