Wednesday, April 23, 2014

My "To Do" (probably) list

Every morning I crawl up on the bathroom sink, usually in bra and underwear and put on my makeup. Today it really hit me that my stomach could be the Doppelganger for the Pillsbury Pop n Fresh dough, just after you explode that package with the back of a spoon. As a result I promptly tucked my stomach back in my panties and enrolled in a Pilates class. It starts 5:30 am, a time I pray when the rest of the OC ladies are still in their beds recovering from drunken dragged out bitch fights or recovering from their surgery de jour.

After Pilates, I will go straight to work where I will no doubt moan and groan for a straight 8 hours and maybe even hit up my cubicle neighbor for  one of her muscle relaxers for her back.

What better way to end a day by sitting at hone with a bottle of wine and the first two episodes of Tori Spelling's new show. Don't ask me what the fuck it's called, no time to care..although I'm guessing something like "Its No MysTORI.... My husband is a gross fat cheat."  Yeah, he's a real keeper,

Monday, April 21, 2014

"Lindsay": Yes I Watched It.

I had no intention of watching "Lindsay" until my 19 year-old nephew, who probably knows more about pop culture then me, told me what a shit storm of greatness I was missing. Eventually I found it on On Demand and got sucked into that mess faster than you can say "she's so not sober".

It's no wonder she's a crazy nervous wreck. If I had to unpack that many boxes it would send me into such an anxiety-ridden tizzy that I would require a wine IV just to deal. And then there's her no-nonsense assistant, Matt, who I actually kind of liked, even though I thought by episode 4 he should have ripped off his 3-piece Jos. e Banks suit jacket, loosened that tie and given her the 'come to Jesus' talk.

This show was advertised as a "Documentary" but we learned absolutely nothing, except maybe that she doesn't own an alarm clock or a bra. I literally cringed when I saw all her designer clothes (which most certainly were given to her for free) strewn throughout her apartment - disregarded the way some hoarders keep dead kittens, or their own feces. When I was 27, my wardrobe consisted of the finest designers that TJ Maxx had to offer on the Saturday after pay day. You'd never find my new 1996 Ralph Lauren Chaps brand khakis thrown in a corner next to an ashtray in my home.

By last night's finale, I think we were supposed to be rooting for her, but sorry girlfriend, I'm just not feeling it. I would never joke about a miscarriage, but when she admitted that she had missed two weeks of filming because she had a 'miscarriage'  I didn't quite believe her. Somehow she strikes me as the person who would be in the hospital - on camera - demanding morphine at the first sign of a miscarriage. I am probably going to hell for that one. OWN did not renew the show, but it did end with her possibly getting a book deal. The day I see a book written by Lindsay Lohan at Barnes & Noble is the day I lose faith entirely in humanity.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

An Open Letter to CNN:
I've watched for over a month while you've waxed poetically about the missing Malaysian flight. The truth is, it's a major bummer, and had a family member of mine been in that plane, you'd probably find me in a neon pink Versace scuba suit, scouring the seas for an iota of evidence for that mother fucking plane. But as day 50-something approaches, let's call a spade a spade - the plane is a goner. I don't need to hear Don Lemon chatting with the guy who looks like Basel from Austin Powers droning on and on in his charming English accent and bad teeth about what the "pings' could possibly mean. I don't need to see the childish graphic of the plane circumnavigating the globe in a crazy zig zag pattern for the umpteenth time. Oh and 'Earth to CNN', it's no longer 'BREAKING NEWS." Take down the model plane sitting on your desk and move on....move on already! When you find a floating mini bottle of Turning Leaf Chardonnay and a plastic cup alongside a Vera Bradley overnight case off the coast of Australia, let us know. Until then, how about throwing in a little more info on the Korean slinking ferry or the Ukraine for god's sake.

We're Back....

After over two years, we decided to take another shot at this blog thing. Hopefully some of our old readers will remember us and maybe a few new ones will join along the way. Get ready for some unadulterated bitchiness and real to hear from anyone in the comment section!
God bless, Val & Parker