Friday, May 29, 2009

I Prefer My Jesus Extra Crunchy

Today, while perusing the news (or the "not really news"), I was encountered with yet another "Jesus sighting" on (in?) a food product. This time a women in South Wales claims the image of Jesus appeared on the inside lid of a Marmite jar while making toast for her son. First of all, what the hell is Marmite? Secondly, call me cynical but I'm guessing if Jesus decided to make an appearance he'd do it up classy and appear in a bottle of Skippy Extra Crunchy or a Taco Bell grilled quesadilla. If you ask me, the dude in the Marmite jar looks more like Russell Brand, a member of the Doobie Brothers or Joaquin Phoenix (the "crazy" bearded Joaquin). 

Seriously though, I've just about had it with the Jesus food sightings. Listen up people, Jesus is not going to appear to you in a form of Cheeto, grilled cheese sandwich or a flipping Kit Kat Bar (despite the Oh-So-Convincing pictures below). So please stop imagining Jesus every time you grill up your grease fest or shove a chocolate bar down your throat. It's not happening. And don't even get me started on the crying Virgin Mary sightings. 

Cheeto Jesus or Sasquatch? You decide.

Jesus (a.k.a. the crispy cookie center) looks pretty pissed about being trapped in a Kit Kat.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

There's an Empty Space In My Heart every Tuesday Night

Last night, with no American Idol, I found myself completely at a loss. I actually went to bed at 8:00. I feel like I'm missing a limb (and by "limb" I am referring to the weekly cheesy antics of 13 crazy little singing rascals who are gone from my life forever - because let's face it, most of them don't have much of a future). 

I did watch a little bit of The Real Housewives of New Jersey (a sure sign that I've hit rock bottom) and while I just can't get into it, I am mesmerized by Danielle, the plastic-faced 45-year old cougar who brings to mind shades of Audrey Hepburn and Princess Diana with her classy tales of phone sex with mystery Internet strangers and propositioning her 26-year old boyfriend (looks like he's 40!) with bathroom sex at a classy New Jersey restaurant in between the salad and the entree course. 

Oh New Jersey Housewives, you will never fill that gap that is the American Idol Tuesday and Wednesday night time slot, no matter how much tacky bathroom sex you have.

I guess I'll just have to hold my breath for I'm A Celebrity Get me Outta Here. Because you know I'll be watching that shit. In the meantime, enjoy the demure and enchanting Danielle wax seductively with her boy toy Guido over some sourdough rolls and Turning Leaf Chardonnay.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Citibank can Suck It. Oh, and Kevin James, You Owe Me an Hour and A Half of My Life Back

I hate credit cards. To be honest, after getting myself deeply in and out of debt 10 years ago, I avoid them like the plague. But lets face it, I've got kids, good taste and I live in Southern California, so aside from my American Express (which gets paid off every month) I have one other "guilty pleasure" credit card from Citibank. I always pay on time, at least twice my minimum and many times I'll go ahead and send them money twice a month, just to get that muther paid down. So you can imagine my surprise (read: raging volcanic anger) when I opened this month's bill and saw that Citibank (or as Bill Maher calls it "Shitibank") raised my interest rate from 14.99% percent to 25.99% because they said I was "late" on last months' payment. Ummm, no assholes, I was actually so early that I ended up paying you before your bill was even sent out and your moron computer program read that as not paying at all. For the love of the credit gods, get your team to actually look at the numbers and you'll see that I've actually paid you NINE times over the past SIX months (do the math, dumbasses). When I called today (ready to pick a fight and go all Janice Dickinson-after-6-shots-of-Patron-Tequila on their asses), "Vijay" the friendly, but unintelligible, customer service rep. miraculously saw the errors of Shitibanks ways and actually reversed my interest rate back to it's original amount. Damn straight he did.  As pissed as I am, I have now learned a new lesson: if I can't pay cash for my next pair of True Religion jeans, or a Coach handbag, then I'm just not buying it, cause Shitibank and their interest rates can suck my cornholio.

While I'm on a rant, can I just send out a message to Kevin James (who I'm sure it will get to, as so many Hollywood types are reading our website). Kevin: I just rented "Paul Blart: Mall Cop", and while I wasn't expecting it to be "Goodfellas" I figured that since it made a bazillion dollars at the box office, that it must have a few laughs. In the words of Depeche Mode's new song, I was "WRONG". It's clear that everyone who forked over their $10.50 at the theater had just smoked from the world's biggest bong - because there is no other way an audience could possibly justify sitting through that movie. I had a "free" movie at Blockbuster and still hard a hard time not changing it over to something educational and entertaining, like "Daisy of Love" or "VH1's top 100 Teen Stars." So Kevin, if it's not too much to ask, I was wondering if I could come over to your house, put on one of those plastic fireman outfits that kids wear at Halloween, stuff donuts down my throat and ride around on my daughter's rusty 4-year old Razor scooter (since I don't own a Segway and am not about to charge one to my Shitibank card)  and bore the hell out of you and you family for an hour and a half? 

PS - I wrote this rant in a hot sweaty rage of anger, so please forgive the run on sentences, blabbering and profanities, muthaf#*kers.

PPS: The other day I blogged about the Apple Store quoting me a minimum of $750 to fix my son's Pepsi-soaked MacBook (without even looking at it first). I found a company who fixed it and added extra memory for the bargain basement price of $250 - and they did it in 2 days. So Apple, you can Suck It too!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Adam Lambert Dodged A Bullet

That's right Kris, your jaw should be agape, because you didn't deserve to win. Sure he's a good singer and seems like a nice enough guy, but the Idol title should have gone to Adam (and I think Kris knows it).

That being said, let's be honest. Adam dodged a bullet, and by "bullet" I mean he now won't be required to record that horrendous verbal diarrhea song about hurricanes and mountains. Sadly Kris and Adam did NOT dodge that bullet known as the pale blue "Ford Fusion" that they both "won?" for being the finalists. When Adam got into his Ford and said "It's beautiful" what he was really thinking was "When I get home I am so bedazzling the shit out of this piece of junk." 

With the season over, we are definitely going to have to come up with some new timely topics to bitch about. And so, my quest to attend a taping of Season 14 begins........

Kids Are Expensive: A True Story

Last Wednesday:

Daniel (my 13 year old son): "Hey mom, where are my  jeans?" 

Me: "You mean the ones that were in your dirty clothes basket? I washed them."

Daniel: "Ummm, my iPod was in the pocket."

Me: "You mean the iPod that I just bought you four weeks ago because I felt guilty because I let your sister skip school to go see the American Idol taping and you couldn't go?"

Daniel: "Yep, that iPod."

Me: "The same iPod that I also bought to replace your original iPod that you left on the tram at Disneyland."

Daniel: "Ummm Hmmmm"
Me: (frantically digging through the washer and pulling out a drowned - and very dead - new silver iPod) "Son of an ...-expletive-...."

Later that night.....

Daniel: "Umm, Mom?"

Me: "What?"

Daniel: I accidentally spilled some Pepsi on my keyboard and now my laptop won't work?"

Me: "Are you kidding?"

Daniel: "Nope, sorry."

The next day - at the Apple Store
I have a 5:00 appointment at the "Genius Bar" (which should be called the "Rape your wallet Bar"):

Apple "Genius" Dude: "What seems to be the problem?"

Me: "My son spilled soda on his laptop and now it won't turn on."

Apple "Genius": "Ouch, liquid damage is a 'tier 4' repair. You are looking at a minimum of $755.00.

Me: (speaking to myself in an invisible bubble above my head): "Is 'Tier 4' a code word for 'bend over while we stick this giant rod up your ass and royally screw you'?"
What I Really say: "Geez, that sucks."

Apple "Genius": There is a company up in L.A. that can probably fix it for about $400 - do you want their name?

Me: "Sure" (and way to anal rape your clients by charging twice as much for repairs as your competitor, Apple Store).

Three days Later:
Daniel: "Hey mom? For my birthday I was wondering if you could take me to Japan to see My Chemical Romance in Concert?"
Me: "Are you Freaking Kidding Me?" 

Side note: The computer is getting repaired but only because I use it too and Daniel needs it for school. The iPod and concert tickets in Japan? Unless he becomes the next Jonas Brother or gets his own Disney show, my dear son Daniel, is "S.O.L."

The Matrix Meets Idol - random thoughts about the finale

  • On Adam's first Song: Hey Adam, "The Matrix" called and they want their look back. Seriously, did you take the "blue pill"? Can you now dodge bullets in slow motion? The coat and dry-ice smoke were a bit much, but the song rocked.
  • Paula accidentally used Randy Jackson's self-tanner. Seriously, next to us with our Nicole Kidman skin she is a completely different race.
  • Wait? Is that Sir Anthony Hopkins in the audience? He looks confused and is clearly thinking "I thought I was going to the Lakers Game."
  • Paula's "80 times stronger than morphine" patch just started to kick in (I gotta get me one of those), she thinks "Aaaddammm is Icooonicccccc" (dribble dribble slur slur) 
  • They just flashed a shot of Katie Holmes and Suri. Umm, Katie this isn't a shelter for abused women and children, lighten up and pretend to have fun for once. And by the way, who brings a 2-year old (even if it is Suri) to American Idol? Unless it's the friggin Wiggles or TeleTubbies on Ice, no 2-year old should ever enter the Nokia Theater. 
  • The final song (co-written by Kara), which I think is called "Climbing Mountains and Swimming through Hurricanes" is a heap of cheesy diarrhea.  Why are the finale Idol songs always about mountains, weather, heaven and the sun rising? Next year I'd love to see the final two belt out a heavy metal thrasher song about riding a motorcycle while high on heroin (during a hurricane).
-Val & Parker 

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

And This is Why Next Time I Decide to Rob a Liquor Store I Won't be Wearing a Tankini

I love the shot at the end where someone gets to drive her "smooth ride" off the freeway. Damn women drivers.

Monday, May 18, 2009

A Hypochondriac's Tale

We haven't blogged in almost a week, and I'm not sure what Parker's excuse is, but mine is that I've clearly come down with a strange new ailment; one that is most likely related to the "Swine Flu", but perhaps originated from some lazy-ass Slug Species somewhere in South America, where it was obviously passed on to me via a Dole South American banana that a slug had shit on, and I subsequently ate. The symptoms include: 
  1. Excessive fatigue (requiring a minimum of a 2 hour nap on any given weekday and a 3-4 hour nap on a weekend or day off work); 
  2. Perpetual and uncontrollable weight gain ( most notably in the mid-section, resulting in the onslaught of several inches of back fat and stomach rolls per week); 
  3. Constant thirst (one that no amount of vodka or wine can ever quench); 
  4. Brittle unmanageable hair (think Lita Ford circa 1983); 
  5. Raging mood swings often resulting in yelling obscenities at the television or running in my room locking the door and hiding under the sheets (see symptom #1)
So I blame you, "Slug flu" for my messy house, lack of blogging, gelatin-like body and so much more. In the meantime, I will be going on a Gandhi-like hunger strike (without the political repercussions and right after I eat my plate of creamed chipped beef on toast), drink more water (less wine), deep condition my hair, remember to take my meds (and not skip them for weeks at a time and wonder why I am acting like the crazy cat lady on the Simpsons) and lastly, watch less reality TV (or if I do watch it, blog about it instead of screaming empty threats to "The Donald" or the "Bitchy Cheerleaders" on the Amazing Race, because they can't hear me, but my neighbors probably can!

Monday, May 11, 2009

And.... I Rest My Case (in regards to "Beauty Pageants"

Aye Caramba....muy estupido! (Seriously, is it Parker in High School?)

Sunday, May 10, 2009


  • Can someone tell me why Donald Trump is wearing more makeup than I did on any given Saturday night in the 80's? If only the "cover up" worked on his ego. Hey Donald, the Oompa Loompa's called - they want their burnt seinna pancake makeup back.
  • Speaking of Donald Trump, for the love of Christ can someone tell me why tonight's "Celebrity Apprentice" finale is THREE HOURS LONG? Is it "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" or "Celeb Apprentice"? Holy crap, "The Amazing Race" sends people to like 3 different countries in a single episode and somehow they manage to keep it an hour-long show.  
  • Why is it that ABC's new summer show "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Outta Here", doesn't actually have a single real celebrity on it? When Heidi and Spencer are the biggest names on the marquee, you haven't got Diddly Caca. Maybe it should be called "I'm Not Really A Celebrity, just Go Ahead and Leave Me Here in the Jungle."
  • Can someone tell my why the salesgirl who sold me some shoes at Macy's today (aptly named "Gerda") thought it was completely fine to open-mouth chomp and snap her gum during the entire transaction? Seriously, Flo at Mel's Diner had more tact than Gerda. 
  • Lastly, why do mother's always get the names of celebrities and bands wrong? The Saturday Night Live video below totally takes me back to my childhood - where "Culture Club" became "Country Club," and John Travolta was "John Revolta." Then there's the time my mom was snapping her fingers along to the "Glass Tiger" one-hit disaster 'Don't forget Me When I'm Gone'" when she turned around, looked at me and Parker and said, "I really like White Lion." Most recently I am reminded of the time I took her and my kids to the movies and we saw a preview for Jim Carey's next flick and she announced (i.e. screamed at ear-shattering decibels that was heard 3 theaters over) "Ohhhh, I love Rick Carey. He's a Genius!"  -

Saturday, May 9, 2009

MMMMMmmmmm Bacon

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In the wife's defense, she was probably about to start her period.

Thank god Tom doesn't take inventory of our food, or he would have most certainly called the Fuzz after discovering the half eaten bag of Kettle Cooked Lay's BBQ Chips (I'm not a big chip eater, so I would've totally denied it) that I vacuumed down while watching "A Perfect Storm" at midnight on HBO the other night. Is it just me, or do movies that seem great in the theater somehow manage to exponentially suck more and more with each passing year? ('Armageddon', 'Pearl Harbor', and most other Ben Affleck films come to mind).

I remember seeing "A Perfect Storm" in the theater back in 2000 and thinking it was edge-of-my-seat-exciting (I also left the theater uber-impressed by George Clooney and Marky Mark Walhberg's amazing portrayals as fishermen with a taste for danger -but hearts of gold). Funny, nine years later while shoveling down a bag of chips, I found myself screaming "Turn the God Damn Boat around SMARTIES!!!, " at least 50 times and, at 2 a.m. when the movie was finally over, muttering to myself "More like 'The Perfect Shit Storm' ". In my defense I was cranky because I was just about to start my period. Bacon.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Idol Is Dead To Me (not really)

Below is an actual excerpt from a texting conversation  between me and Parker on Wed night. (note: Parker lives in Texas and therefore gets to watch Idol a whopping  2 hours before I get the "Live" feed in California).

Parker: "I'm so sad crying right now can't tell  u why"

Val: "Why can't you tell me, cutie? What's wrong????" 

Parker: "No. Too upset"

Val: "Wait - does this have something to do with Idol? Or is it something serious?"

Parker: "It IS Idol. And it is Serious"

Val: "Shit - Allison is going  home, isn't she???"

Parker: "Can't say. Just can't stop crying..... D.W. is actually getting worried about me. I better get my period soon."

The Next day.......

Val: "Are you over the Allison debacle? Jesus, is it the death of Simon LeBon or Allison getting voted off Idol? But you are right - Allison was robbed." 

Parker: "Right now I hate Danny Gokey, his scratchy voice and his stupid glasses."

Val: "Harsh. Do you hate  his deceased wife too?"

Parker: "I think I'm going to go online buy an Allison tee shirt."

Val: "You're a Winner"

Parker: "Total winner"

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Idol Thoughts: Rock N Roll Hoochie Coo

Parker's Thoughts:
  1. I'm madly in love with Alison and Adam and may throw my remote at the TV if they don't go to the finale together.
  2. Someone needs to tie Kara up and feed her a Fried Shrimp Po-Boy with extra mayo stat. She has become more alien-lollipop-faced each week. I saw her once on an interview saying that she "once had an eating disorder." No Shit, Sherlock. 
  3. I will say Kara has required Paula to up her game and stay off her meds this year. She has yet to think that someone sang twice when they have only gone once. Impressive!
  4. Danny Gokey (aka Robert Downey Jr. without the edge) murdered Aerosmith - although he thought he did great.
Val's Thoughts:
  1. Is it wrong that I actually like Adam's version of "Whole Lotta Love" better than the Led Zepplin rendition? (Side note: I once saw Led Zepplin lead singer Robert Plant at a hotel I worked at and he looked like a homeless dude on a 7-day crack binge. I'm just saying)
  2. I'm pretty sure that I purchased Paula's gold-plated star-with-attached-rainbow earrings at Contempo Casuals back in 1984. I paid a whopping $14.95 for those little fu**kers. (Today you can probably buy them from Paula's Home Shopping Network collection for $39.99). (Side note; I once saw Paula Abdul at a TGI Fridays wearing a hideous Bustier and ordering the E-Coli Chicken Salad. Again, I'm just saying). 
  3. Speaking of Paula: She just came out in Redbook (or some other Menopausal magazine) saying that up until last November, she had a raging painkiller addiction. No Shit Sherlock, indeed.
  4. Slash: Umm...Thanks for all the warm fuzzies and good advice, Slash. Don't hold back now. While you're at it Mr. "Wordsmith", have another hit of heroin and a shot of Jack Daniel's.
  5. The Duet with Danny and Kris: Hey Danny, you might want to put on your contacts before belting out Styx's "Renegade". Those metro sexual glasses from LensCrafters are so NOT Rock N' Roll.
  6. Hmmm... Is it Kris Allen or Mick Jagger? Kris is cute but has about as much Rock N' Roll stage presence as a dry biscuit. (Sorry Kris).
  7. Danny Gokey Does Aerosmith: First of all, say it don't spray it, Danny. Nice rocker outfit. Is he a freaking beeper salesman circa 1992? JC Penney pinstripe pant/vest ensemble: $49.99. Vintage purple oxford from Chess King: $19.99. Handcuff chain necklace from Spencer: $16.99.  Sounding like you are being put feet-first into a wood chipper during the last note of Aerosmith's "Dream On": Priceless.
  8. Alison and Adam's Duet: AMAZING. Of course Foghat always sounds great after 3 Vodka cocktails.

More Things that Piss Me Off

by Parker

  • People that write checks and don’t actually take out their check book to start the process until they are fully rung up, and then proceed to balance their check book while you wait. I pretty much want to turn into the Brick-looking Monster Guy from Fantastic Four and clobber them at this point. Literally I have been behind someone at the airport toll booth writing a check. I am a magnet for this.
  • People that cannot wait for me for two seconds to go after the light turns green. Granted I'm probably texting, eating or filing my nails or a combo of all three, but really you cant wait two second before you lay on your horn. Really? 

  • Spending 45 minutes straightening my Chakka Kahn hair, walking out of the house and having one whiff of Texas humidity make me look like I have homeless woman hair in 5 seconds. 

  • Utility bills in Texas. Is it my mortgage or my A/C bill?

  • Proudly presenting my coupons at Costco once they ring me up for hundreds of dollars, only to have them say “Umm... sorry Ma'am these don’t start for another week”

  • Inevitably something is always broken on our house and its never like 50 bucks to fix ever, but rather at least 2k. I am convinced workers come to our house think 'nice digs' and proceed to ass rape us on our repair. If we say we will get a second quote somehow the first suddenly comes back thousands less. Like they would do a repair at someone’s trailer home and tell them it will 4k to fix that pipe, and 1k to unearth and move the plastic flamingos out of the way.


Friday, May 1, 2009

Things that Piss Me Off

by Val

  • When I'm trying to buy my morning gallon of Pepsi before work and the crazy lady in front of me is buying lottery tickets with with a baggie full of change.
  • How I can clean my garage (or should I say Tom can clean our garage) and within 3 weeks it looks exactly like the outdoor set of "Sanford and Son". This also applies to my closet. Since when did I become the Pied Piper of Crap?
  • When I slow down or stop to let a person exit a parking lot in front of me and they don't give me the universal "thanks" wave. Bastards.
  • When my TIVO cuts out just before the last song on American Idol (or the scenes from next week's "Real Housewives of New York")
  • That it takes almost a year to grow out my bangs, yet when I shave my bikini area it takes less than 24 hours to turn into Sasquatch in a thong. 
  • That the show "NCIS" is still on the air. Really? I don't know a single person who has ever watched an episode. 
  • "Swine Flu Watch". Enough with the hysteria. For crying out loud it's the FLU. Call me when the Black Plague is in town.