Monday, April 26, 2010

American Idol Here I Come (Again)

This afternoon I got word that I had three tickets to tomorrow's American Idol Dress Rehearsal and am on standby for the taping (they say the odds are good that I will be able to stay for the taping). While I am not all that excited about this year's contestants, I jumped at the opportunity. My daughter and I went to a taping last year and I had a blast (despite wearing 4 inch stilettos and standing in the pit with a bunch of 16 year old girls screaming at Kris Allen and Adam Lambert). This year I'm bringing my daughter (12) and son (14) who is about as excited as if he were attending a Helen Reddy concert. Seriously, do all boys lose the ability to show any emotion once they turn 14?

Did I mention it is "country week"? Not to complain, but country music is right up there with Polka and Death Metal as my least favorite genre of music. God grant me the strength to sit through entire show without rolling my eyes or making the "slashing my throat" pantomime while Big Mike belts out a Garth Brooks ballad or Crystal Bowers plays an acoustic guitar rendition of Dolly Parton's "9 to 5" (this might be the only country song I know the words to).

If you watch the show and see a bleach blond 40-year old with a furrowed brow sitting with a mildly entertained adolescent girl and a 14 year old boy, slouching and listening to his iPod (because he hates country music slightly more than I do) you'll know its us.

Hopefully I'll have a great story to tell on Wednesday.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Because I Often Get Stephen Baldwin Confused with the Biblical Figure "Job"

I have insomnia tonight and came across this video that is circling the net. At first I couldn't believe that this was serious, but then again it involves Stephen Baldwin, who recently starred in "Sharks in Venice" and was peddling some sort of "Skateboarding for Jesus" series of videos - so this is kind of a step up. I guess my favorite part of the video is the comparison of Stephen to the Biblical figure Job. I'm not a big religious freak, but I did go to Catholic School and I'm pretty sure Job wouldn't have ever signed up for "I'm A Celebrity Get Me out of Here".

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Idol Gives blogging

BEFORE you read: I am going to be extremely sarcastic (below) BUT I will donate, so it's ok, right? Ironically - one year ago today I was actually there in the American Idol studio rocking out in the front row "pit" to KC (without the sunshine band). Unfortunately, despite the demands of the state manager, I couldn't clap my hands above my head: my ruffle shirt was so tight that every time I lifted my arms, my entire shirt would burst open (as the 16 year old girl next to me pointed out several times). The teens in the "pit" did not appreciate seeing my Pillsbury Doughboy stomach every 4 minutes.

I hadn't planned on doing a live blog during "Idol Gives Back" but when they opened with Jennifer Garner in a Hoarder's Trailer, I had no choice. I love Jennifer Garner and am pretty sure she has a heart of gold, but I have to be honest: I've been to a party at a house just one street over from her house and her neighborhood is pretty swanky. So when she pulled up to the most beat down trailer in all of Kentucky to visit a family of six, I'm sure that there was an invisible bubble above her head with the following thoughts: "Are you kidding me? Can I just write a check for a few thousand and head back to the Four Seasons for a sauna and a massage?"

Ryan immediately followed with Victoria Beckham. First of all, perhaps we should be raising money for the "Feed Victoria a god-damned sandwich" fund. Ironically (or not) she is wearing a $600 pair of Louboutin's while sitting next to two poor kids from California. If only she would give each of those children one of her shoes - they could eat like Kings for at least a month.

Black Eyed Peas: I liked this song the first time I heard it - in 1994. Fergie has a great body but even she can't carry off the snakeskin leotard with matching thigh-high boots. Because I should talk - if I was wearing that outfit it would just be a blur of snake scales clashing with Casper-white cellulite. The studio audience would have to wear sunglasses and possibly have vomit bags handy during my performance.

Crap, how do they go from Black Eyed Peas in a sea of lasers and synthesizers to a child dying of Malaria in Africa? That is just cold, Idol. You can't just jump from Fergie shaking her hooters in a stripper outfit to a shot of a child's funeral. Someone get my my Platinum Amex card stat.

Aye Caramba George Lopez is going to kick someone off. Oh! It's one of the judges. SNAP. How clever (not). Hmm, do you think it will be Simon? I'm on the edge of my seat (i.e. I'm off to get myself a glass of wine).

I LOVE the Ford music videos. They really make my Wednesday nights. I actually entered to win one of the Idol-inspired "Ford Festivas" because I've always dreamed of driving a pale blue ford with a giant musical note painted on the side.

Casey James: I had that exact same haircut when I went through my Madonna Boderline phase (only difference is that I had a giant black bow atop my mophead).

Aaron: You might believe you can "Fly" but you and your puka shells are in the bottom three. That white jean jacket isn't helping your cause, either.

Jeff Beck and Joss Stone are singing now. You know they both just smoked a ton of pot backstage. Word to Jeff Beck (or is it Rick Okasek?) : If you are over the age of 57, you have no business wearing  a silver bangle on your upper arm - especially if your old flappy skin is hanging over the side of it. I'm convinced that Nicole Richie is the only person on earth who can carry off that look.

They just showed Kara cradling an orphan in a pink knit hat (her mom died during childbirth). Now Morgan Freeman is speaking - and who can resist Morgan? I just donated $50 (see I'm not that bad).

Queen Latifah is live at the Pasadena Civic Center with Common. Umm, am I supposed to know who "Common" is?
Carrie Underwood is belting out some country song (about a family in a trailer?). Hey Carrie, I was once a 103-lb, 24-year old girl with golden hair and not a wrinkle on my face. Someday you'll be 40, Carrie. Someday.

Ellen and David Arquette are visiting a food bank in Monrovia, CA. Ellen made approx $35 million last year - so Ellen can you just give the out-of-work teacher and his wife some "Hungry Man instant mashed potatoes" and a check for $50K? Perhaps David can donate some of his plaid plants.

Did Ryan just say something about how even he had trouble paying for health care to Bill Gates? Ryan you live in an $11 million dollar house - so I'm pretty sure "Health care" is not an issue.

OK - wanda sykes material is pretty trite -  I think even I could write more original material. But her delivery is stellar.

David Cook is waxing poetic about his trip to Ethiopia. On a side note, do you ever notice how when celebrities travel to Africa they never get bombarded with a swarm of flies? (Angelina Jolie comes to mind). Seriously, Angelina will be sitting on a dung heap with a gaggle of babies and they will be surrounded by flies - but Angelina (or any other celebrity) will be clear and free. Whats up with that. Can I get some of that "Fly be gone: for celebrities only" spray?

Annie Lennox is amazing and if you add a montage of adorable poverty-stricken children, no one can resist opening up their pocketbook (I'm talking to you Parker).

Holy shit, Mary J Blige is singing "Stairway to Heaven" and she's wearing my mom's sunglasses from 1977. Seriously is there a "Rock-n-Roll" policeman on hand who can arrest her for committing this musical crime? Listen up, Mary J, you are no Robert plant. And despite the fact that the awesome Travis Barker, Randy Jackson and the gorgeous Australian guitar player from Michael Jackson's "This is It" are backing you up, you have no right to sing this song. Next time, let's do a cover of Hanson's "Mmmm Bop" or perhaps Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam's "Head to Toe", because "Stairway to Heaven" is untouchable!!!

Simon really does have a heart of gold! I knew this the moment he "winked" at me on Beverly Blvd. while I was cruising in my gold Toyota 4 runner and he (cigarette in hand) pulled up next to me in his $200 convertible Bentley.

Elton John!!!  I love Elton  - and someday will tell my story about meeting Elton in a tent on a Mexican Beach when I was 6. OK, it probably wasn't Elton, but when we got back from our vacation I showed my mom a picture of Elton and said that I had met him during our vacation. Shit, it was probably some child molester in giant Rose -colored glasses, but I blacked it out. Seriously though, I thought it was him. He's singing my all time favorite song "My song" while they play videos of hungry people in the background.

That's it - I'm headed to bed. If you can donate, please do ( or send your money to the ASPCA). If not, I get it - the economy is rough. Either way, thanks for reading. Val "OUT". 'night.


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

People Really Piss Me Off (this is probably why I have only 1 friend)

It's been a while since either of us have blogged. In my case, I've been uber-busy at work. It's funny how that happens immediately after you receive your layoff notice. Naturally, over the past week and a half, I've had a few run-ins with some of the most irritating people on the planet. And I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with my raging PMS.

Listen up ladies (and gents): I get that sometimes you need to multi-task by talking on the phone and shopping, but can we all make a pact to keep it down?

Yesterday I was in my office potty stall while a Russian (?) lady waxed poetically in her native tongue during her bowel movement. Russian echoing in a tiled public bathroom is extremely annoying and really messes up my concentration. About an hour later, someone had explosive diarrhea all over this same bathroom. I blame the obnoxious Russian lady kharma.

This morning at Target, while I was admiring a ravishing cotton tee with gilded butterflies and raised lettering that said "Team Jacob" in Gothic font, I was overwhelmed with noise pollution by a petite blond practically screaming about her "important job", "whose fault it was" and how "Jamie lost almost $70,000 on this deal." This conversation lasted for at least 20 minutes (I know this because it took me that long to peruse the tee shirts and clearanced 'Jean Paul Gautlier for Target' collection). Look lady, if you job is so god-damned important what are you doing splurging on Target clothes? I'm pretty sure "Jamie" and her missing $70,000 would not appreciate you going all "J-Lo on a mad shopping spree" with those Merona Chinos and Xhiliration ruffle blouses.

Sadly, I was noise-raped later today in Macy's when I overhead a man evangelizing about some spiritual mumbo-jumbo at approximately 300 decibels. Hey Mr. metaphysical-genius, If I wanted to hear your religious rantings, I would have just stayed home and watched a rerun of the 700 club. At least Jim and Tammy Faye Baker are good to make fun of. Plus her eye makeup was nothing short of mesmerizing.

I then headed on to my local Albertson's to pick up my daughter's migraine prescription (she inherited my migraines, irrational burst of anger, hypochondriac tenancies and blond hair). The prescription used to be $30, but is now $70. This is for FOUR pills. Umm, is it heroin? The truth is, this stuff works, but sadly it doesn't take you on a magic carpet ride or anything like that. After getting $-ass raped once again by "the man" (aka the insurance industry), I headed over to the in-store Starbucks for some much needed caffeine. I kid you not the man in front of me was returning a tub of "Smokehouse beans" at the Starbuck's counter. Actually he wasn't even returning them, but instead complaining about being "overcharged" for said "Smokehouse beans". Naturally the store manager had to be called and money had to change hands at an excruciatingly snail-like pace. I'm really glad Mister Smokehouse got his $3.26 back and I hope he goes home and has explosive diarrhea.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Brownie Husband

Sometimes a Brownie Husband is just what the doctor ordered...

Saturday, April 10, 2010

SyFy Channel, I Hardly Knew Ye

I've always breezed right by the SyFy Network because, although I might be a dork, I'm certainly not dorky enough to sit thru an 8-hour marathon of Battlestar Gallactica. I've never even sat thru an entire episode of Star Trek.

I stopped in my tracks however, when I saw today's SyFy lineup:
7:00 pm: "DinoShark"
9:00 pm: "Mega Piranha"
11:00 pm: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus
1:00 am: "Sharks in Venice"

Who knew this channel had such an amazing selection of Mutant Sea Creature genre films? And while these movies could probably stand on their own by the sheer genius of their titles and the spare-no-expense special effects that I'm sure SyFy doles out on all of their original movies, they really sealed the deal with their all-star casting. Some Wunderkind casting director was able to snatch up both Tiffany AND Barry Williams (aka Greg Brady) as the leads in "Mega Piranha." Fear not however, because Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas aren't left out.  You can catch their thespian expertise in "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus." SyFy saved the best for last however, by casting Stephen Baldwin in "Sharks in Venice" (let me guess, he plays a Roman Catholic Priest/Marine Biologist who kills the deadly shark with a holy cross while riding in a Gondola with Sheena Easton?)

Oh the regret I have for not discovering this channel sooner. How many other original SyFy Channel movies have I missed? Thank god for the Internet, because after a quick Google search it turns out I've missed quite a bit, including: "Mansquito", "SwampDevil", and "Chupacabra: Dark Seas."

Needless to say, I have my  night planned. Two diet Red Bulls, a bag of microwave popcorn and a date with a mutant piranha and Greg Brady. Ahh, happiness (and in no way a waste of 2 hours of my life).

Click here to see a sneak preview of Mega Piranha (Warning: I laughed so hard when I watched this that I actually peed a little bit).

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Knock Knock....You're Fired

So last Friday, I got "Laid Off." It's not quite as bad as it seems. I work part time for the state of California under a grant that ends this June (June 30 will be my last day at work) - and we all know California has about as much liquid cash as MC Hammer did after he squandered all his money on bodyguards, bling and genie pants. The worst part was that I was notified by mail. On my day off. During the middle of a heavenly nap - the kind where you are wearing your softest, yet scumiest clothing, your hair is completely disheveled and you are drooling full blast. Then my completely uncouth Postman (who once yelled at me because my mom sent me a oversized birthday card and didn't put enough postage on it - so he stood there with his hand out while I searched through the pillow cushions for that remaining $0.22 - see I told you California is broke) rang the doorbell and then banged on the front door as if he were the SWAT team at a meth lab.

I originally ignored the ding-dong, bang-bang. But hell, I was already awake now, so I went downstairs (you never know when Publisher's Clearing House will show up with a 6 X3 foot check for $20 million, a bouquet of Carnations and a bottle of Frexinet) I opened the door and although UNCOUTH mailman had zipped off  - he left behind the ever-so-dreadful "Certified Mail" card. Typically, unless you are claiming your inheritance from that Nigerian Prince that you met via e-mail, the "certified mail" card is usually something bad. While ordinarily I would have just slammed the door, wiped the spittle from my mouth and headed back to napland - I instead decided to chase down uncouth mailman as he sped down the street at a whopping 8 miles an hour. I'm pretty sure he put the pedal to the metal when he saw me running after him in my hot pink drawstring waffle pants and over sized gansta-tee that said "Stanford" on it. The crazy-lady bed head and drool might have freaked him out a bit too. Nevertheless I chased that Mutha down and asked if I could retrieve the letter. As I stood there, half-a-block away from my house looking homeless - he handed me a thick letter and I could see from the return address that it was from "Human Resources" at my job.

I walked back to my house not unlike Charlie Brown after the kids have just kicked him off the school play - with my head down and read how I was being "laid off" effective June 30th. On the bright side - I have three months left - and my job loss isn't going to take any food of of the table (maybe just a nice Coach bag once every so often - and I'll probably have to switch back to L'Oreal makeup). In a world where so many are being laid off and losing their homes, I'm pretty damn lucky.

By the way, my husband got the mail last night and the Human Resources sent me the same exact package via regular mail. OK cuties - I get it - I'm  "Laid Off". Maybe if you didn't spend so much on postage you might be able to keep some employees around.

PS - when I told my son I got laid off he asked me, "Did they send George Clooney to do it?" (Up In the Air reference). No, god dammit - they didn't even send Clooney.