Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Idol Gives blogging

BEFORE you read: I am going to be extremely sarcastic (below) BUT I will donate, so it's ok, right? Ironically - one year ago today I was actually there in the American Idol studio rocking out in the front row "pit" to KC (without the sunshine band). Unfortunately, despite the demands of the state manager, I couldn't clap my hands above my head: my ruffle shirt was so tight that every time I lifted my arms, my entire shirt would burst open (as the 16 year old girl next to me pointed out several times). The teens in the "pit" did not appreciate seeing my Pillsbury Doughboy stomach every 4 minutes.

I hadn't planned on doing a live blog during "Idol Gives Back" but when they opened with Jennifer Garner in a Hoarder's Trailer, I had no choice. I love Jennifer Garner and am pretty sure she has a heart of gold, but I have to be honest: I've been to a party at a house just one street over from her house and her neighborhood is pretty swanky. So when she pulled up to the most beat down trailer in all of Kentucky to visit a family of six, I'm sure that there was an invisible bubble above her head with the following thoughts: "Are you kidding me? Can I just write a check for a few thousand and head back to the Four Seasons for a sauna and a massage?"

Ryan immediately followed with Victoria Beckham. First of all, perhaps we should be raising money for the "Feed Victoria a god-damned sandwich" fund. Ironically (or not) she is wearing a $600 pair of Louboutin's while sitting next to two poor kids from California. If only she would give each of those children one of her shoes - they could eat like Kings for at least a month.

Black Eyed Peas: I liked this song the first time I heard it - in 1994. Fergie has a great body but even she can't carry off the snakeskin leotard with matching thigh-high boots. Because I should talk - if I was wearing that outfit it would just be a blur of snake scales clashing with Casper-white cellulite. The studio audience would have to wear sunglasses and possibly have vomit bags handy during my performance.

Crap, how do they go from Black Eyed Peas in a sea of lasers and synthesizers to a child dying of Malaria in Africa? That is just cold, Idol. You can't just jump from Fergie shaking her hooters in a stripper outfit to a shot of a child's funeral. Someone get my my Platinum Amex card stat.

Aye Caramba George Lopez is going to kick someone off. Oh! It's one of the judges. SNAP. How clever (not). Hmm, do you think it will be Simon? I'm on the edge of my seat (i.e. I'm off to get myself a glass of wine).

I LOVE the Ford music videos. They really make my Wednesday nights. I actually entered to win one of the Idol-inspired "Ford Festivas" because I've always dreamed of driving a pale blue ford with a giant musical note painted on the side.

Casey James: I had that exact same haircut when I went through my Madonna Boderline phase (only difference is that I had a giant black bow atop my mophead).

Aaron: You might believe you can "Fly" but you and your puka shells are in the bottom three. That white jean jacket isn't helping your cause, either.

Jeff Beck and Joss Stone are singing now. You know they both just smoked a ton of pot backstage. Word to Jeff Beck (or is it Rick Okasek?) : If you are over the age of 57, you have no business wearing  a silver bangle on your upper arm - especially if your old flappy skin is hanging over the side of it. I'm convinced that Nicole Richie is the only person on earth who can carry off that look.

They just showed Kara cradling an orphan in a pink knit hat (her mom died during childbirth). Now Morgan Freeman is speaking - and who can resist Morgan? I just donated $50 (see I'm not that bad).

Queen Latifah is live at the Pasadena Civic Center with Common. Umm, am I supposed to know who "Common" is?
Carrie Underwood is belting out some country song (about a family in a trailer?). Hey Carrie, I was once a 103-lb, 24-year old girl with golden hair and not a wrinkle on my face. Someday you'll be 40, Carrie. Someday.

Ellen and David Arquette are visiting a food bank in Monrovia, CA. Ellen made approx $35 million last year - so Ellen can you just give the out-of-work teacher and his wife some "Hungry Man instant mashed potatoes" and a check for $50K? Perhaps David can donate some of his plaid plants.

Did Ryan just say something about how even he had trouble paying for health care to Bill Gates? Ryan you live in an $11 million dollar house - so I'm pretty sure "Health care" is not an issue.

OK - wanda sykes material is pretty trite -  I think even I could write more original material. But her delivery is stellar.

David Cook is waxing poetic about his trip to Ethiopia. On a side note, do you ever notice how when celebrities travel to Africa they never get bombarded with a swarm of flies? (Angelina Jolie comes to mind). Seriously, Angelina will be sitting on a dung heap with a gaggle of babies and they will be surrounded by flies - but Angelina (or any other celebrity) will be clear and free. Whats up with that. Can I get some of that "Fly be gone: for celebrities only" spray?

Annie Lennox is amazing and if you add a montage of adorable poverty-stricken children, no one can resist opening up their pocketbook (I'm talking to you Parker).

Holy shit, Mary J Blige is singing "Stairway to Heaven" and she's wearing my mom's sunglasses from 1977. Seriously is there a "Rock-n-Roll" policeman on hand who can arrest her for committing this musical crime? Listen up, Mary J, you are no Robert plant. And despite the fact that the awesome Travis Barker, Randy Jackson and the gorgeous Australian guitar player from Michael Jackson's "This is It" are backing you up, you have no right to sing this song. Next time, let's do a cover of Hanson's "Mmmm Bop" or perhaps Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam's "Head to Toe", because "Stairway to Heaven" is untouchable!!!

Simon really does have a heart of gold! I knew this the moment he "winked" at me on Beverly Blvd. while I was cruising in my gold Toyota 4 runner and he (cigarette in hand) pulled up next to me in his $200 convertible Bentley.

Elton John!!!  I love Elton  - and someday will tell my story about meeting Elton in a tent on a Mexican Beach when I was 6. OK, it probably wasn't Elton, but when we got back from our vacation I showed my mom a picture of Elton and said that I had met him during our vacation. Shit, it was probably some child molester in giant Rose -colored glasses, but I blacked it out. Seriously though, I thought it was him. He's singing my all time favorite song "My song" while they play videos of hungry people in the background.

That's it - I'm headed to bed. If you can donate, please do ( or send your money to the ASPCA). If not, I get it - the economy is rough. Either way, thanks for reading. Val "OUT". 'night.


No comments: