An Open Letter to Madonna

Dear Madonna:

What happened? I used to worship you in 1983 back when you were a free spirit with dark roots and ripped fishnets. I even wore rags in my hair and those low lace-up black boots that you made so popular.  "Borderline" was my teenage angst theme song and I had fantasies of running away to New York where we would become best friends and live in your cool Manhattan loft and shop at Vintage stores together wearing black leggings and Acid washed denim jackets with our bed-head hair.

Then came the 90s and you changed for the worse. You developed that ridiculous English Accent and began wearing cone-bras and leather. Somewhere along the line you just turned into condescending, snarky, snob with an attitude and a bug up your arse. Whenever I see you on the telly (that's English for television) it's like there is a subliminal "BITCH" message flashing before my eyes. Your soon to be ex-husband always looked like he was going for a  colonospcy when you were together. It is clear he was miserable.

FYI - you are a singer, not a philosopher, so lighten up. It wouldn't kill you to stop rolling your eyes at everyone and crack a smile once in a while. Put down that yoga mat and macrobiotic shake and chill the f- out with a beer once and a while. Maybe even put on a lace top and rubber bracelet for old times sake.

Yours Truly, -Val