What is "Halloween Superstar" and Why Am I Not Watching it?

While procrastinating my shower, root touch up, laundry and Halloween Decorating today, I came across this video. I'm not sure what 'Halloween Superstar' is, but my guess is it comes from some amazing far off land in the UK where gays compete to see just who can be the most Fabulous, you know, Scotland. I swear to god if this show aired in the US (maybe it does, but it is probably on channel 409 between the Fox College Sports Station and the station that shows Catholic Mass 24/7). Anyway, took this amazing show that we are all missing out on:

"Halloween Superstar!" Episode 4 Preview from Chris & John on Vimeo.

Technology Sucks

I bought myself a shiny new lime-green colored 15-inch Dell laptop for my 40th birthday (and because my son's MacBook had died the month before, I said we could "share it"). Hmmm "Share It", famous last words. 5 weeks (and one payment to Dell finance) later my son shows me the laptop with a black screen with the dreaded words "NO HARD DRIVE FOUND". He then admitted that he had rested his elbow below the keyboard and heard a "funny noise". Translation: He killed the hard drive. A quick call to India (aka Dell Tech service) was in order. Long story short, I had a new Hard Drive (under warranty - Sahib did not need to hear about the resting elbow scenario) a few days later. 


After proudly re-installing the hard drive,  reloading all my backup files and proclaiming myself "The New Bill Gates" for doing so, I was back in business. Cut to two days later. I am upstairs in bed having a "Calgon take me away moment" reading a book and enjoying the solitude. My son (aka Hulk Elbow) comes upstairs with the now 6-week old laptop, looks at me with puppy dog eyes and slowly opens the screen. I was Horrified at what I saw. A lovely Spirograph-colored array of pink and green pulsating lines over what looked like a large bullet hole with blood dripping out of it. The conversation went something like this:


Me: Oh MY GAWWWDDDD. What did YOU do?
Daniel: I'm sooo sorry. Dad came home and I shut the laptop but my earphones were on the keyboard and when I opened it it looked like this.
Me: Oh MY GAWWWWWDDD.. What did your Dad say?
Daniel: He said he loved me. 
*Side note: Dad would do something just like that, because he knew that Daniel would soon have to face the wrath of bitch mom.


I then calmly and maturely reacted by breaking out into sobs, saying "I can't handle this right now" and going to bed at 8:00 pm. (Because reacting like my family was lost at sea is how I deal with pretty much any bad situation, big or small).


Long story short: Another call to India, where I am told that Dell will replace the LCD screen to the tune of $200. Because it is a brand new computer, they kindly "waived" the additional labor and shipping fee of $159. I also went ahead and added the "One Year Accidental Damage Warranty" for an additional $99: a sure-fire way to ensure that there will be NO "accidental damage" until one year and 2 days from now. I then basically told Ashmir to just "go ahead and add it to my pile of debt." 


Yesterday during my son's guitar lesson, he plugged his electric guitar into the amp and nothing happened. His teacher looked up at me and said, "It's probably just a broken wire inside the guitar." Son of a bitch, I wonder how much that's going to set me back. 
-val

Who's Your Sugar Daddy?... and other "Glamorous Things".

Because we all can't have a "Daddy Warbucks" in our lives, I bring you the next best thing:

"Sugar Daddy Ken Doll" 

Rumor has it that this is an actual doll created by Mattel. God I hope so, because I have to have one. I would put him in my purse and take him shopping (he clearly has great taste and would surely offer advice while I change into past-season duds in the communal changing room at Loehman's). Plus his dog won't leave a mess on your newly buffed wood floors and unlike a real Sugar Daddy, you don't have to rub his feet, stroke his ego (or anything else for that matter- yukko). He really is the perfect man.

While were on the subject of "glamourous" things, here's a quick glimpse of Adam Lambert's new album cover:

Holy Celestial Glitter World!!! When I first saw his album cover (in the same font as Prince's 1984 "Purple Rain" album) I actually thought it was a picture of Pink in a wig after a visit to a Glamour Shots at the Galleria (do they still have Glamour Shots?) I love Adam Lambert and in my book he can do no wrong but this album cover makes "Sugar Daddy" Ken look like Hulk Hogan. If I'm being perfectly honest I preferred the "Bloated Elvis after a 7-day Barbiturate Binge" Adam that I saw at the Idol taping. I guess they don't call him "Glambert" for nothing. Also, I hope those centipede-leech things on his glove don't bite!

-Val

NY, U2 and Drinking on Planes

I truly hate to fly, it scares the shit out of me and being cramped in a seat for hours with little opportunity to pee is not my idea of fun. Inevitably there is a family near us who lugs bags of McDonalds on the plane creating a greasy stink-fest for all. Even D.W. refuses to pay the upcharge for first class, besides if the plane is going down what good does first class do anyway? If it crashes head on, first class is the first to go. I have a vivid imagination of different ways the plane could crash including it breaking in half over the ocean and the back half of the plane still flying for awhile- which is where DW and I and would be sitting (insert DW asking me for a quick blow job). This scenario (not the bj part) may defy physics but I'm convinced it could really happen.
We happened to be headed to NY from Dallas a few weeks ago on the day a very bad storm was hitting Dallas. I was already sweating watching the weather the night before. I literally had my hands over my eyes as the plane shook with turbulance. Once the bumps and drops stopped, I ordered a beer. It was 10 in the morning and I never drink on planes (too dehydrating to the skin) however in this case I would have literally tackled the beverage cart at that point for a beer. Our connecting flight in Detroit was leaving from gate 51 15 minutes after we landed at gate 3. DW and I huffed and like Rosanne and John Goodman trying to OJ our asses to gate 51. DW said he had to pee to which I turned to him and like one of those bitchy girlfriends on the Amazing Race and told him "No way. Hold it cutie!"

 

Once at our gate and covered with flop sweat our flight was luckily delayed. Dw and I both ordered a stiff drink as soon as possible on the connector to NY.We stayed with our very good friends Jade and Evan and their adorable kiddos, and had a blast walking around the city and just hanging. At the airport leaving for home we had the celeb sighting of Paula Deen and her father-time hubby. I so wanted to tell her that her Taco Soup Recipe rocks however her slow cooker mac cheese that I wasted 30 dollars of cheese on: not so much. She was incognito with glasses and a hat so I gave her a break. Also ever since Jack black was such a dick I'm gun shy on the "approaching celebs" thing.

 

The following Monday DW and I went to the U2 concert at the new cowboy stadium, subtly named "Jerrys World"(after the poverty-stricken owner Jerry Jones). The show was amazing. It also brought back great memories of Val and I going to their every show in Arizona as teenagers.  Val and I were typically too hungover to get up early to get good seats (were teenagers before the Internet and online ticket buying!). One time we actually got up at 6 am and drove 30 miles (hungover of course) to a tickteting location. When no one was in the parking lot, we literally thought we were first in line (ala the Griswalds slo-mo arrival to Wally World in "National Lampoon's Vacation") only to discover that we went to we the wrong location. As a result we were usually row 93z.  But we were there and that's all that really mattered

Today, as I lay on the couch watching TV completely exhausted from my whirlwind NY/U2 week, Im wondering these things:

• What does Bono's house look like?
• Why are they still airing Billy mays commercials when he's dead?
• Why does everyone cry hysterically on the biggest loser .. Food deprivation?
• Does anyone else think Marie Osmond is doing blow? Seriously she is way thinner than me and has the hollywood lollipop head. Have a hoagie Marie. 

I am now a believer of having a cocktail on any flight, dry skin or not. That's what La Mer is for.

-Parker

Things That Are Pissing Me Off This Week:

I'm not going to talk any more about Balloon Boy except to say that I KNEW IT ALL ALONG. And if Mr. Richard Heene really wants to be on a Reality Show, I hear that "Tool Academy" is casting.

This is an actual headline (and has been reported on CNN ~ so you know its true):

Ms. California Sued Over Breast Implants: K2 Productions, which directs the Miss California USA pageant, is requesting the $5,200 it gave Prejean for her breast augmentation surgery.
There are so many things wrong with this story. First and foremost: you get free breast implants if you win a pageant? This is complete and utter bullcrap. Sorry cuties, but if you are stupid enough to shell out $5k so that Ms. Brainiac can look good in a string bikini onstage while Donald Trump gets a hard on, then she should be allowed to keep them. While we're talking about this, someone sign me up for the Mrs. USA contest. I'd love a tummy tuck and some liposuction.

David Hasselhoff and his lovely daughters have just signed a deal for a reality show. Hey David, how about you get off the sauce before letting cameras in your house 24/7? We all know that this can not end well and is clearly a sign of End of Days. The picture below definitely needs to be featured in the opening credits of the show (which should be sponsored by In-N-Out burger).

I just heard that 'NCIS' is the number one show on television. This shouldn't make me mad. In fact I shouldn't care at all, but I do! I've always had it out for NCIS. I've never actually seen the show but I have seen the commercials and always wondered "Why, CBS, why?" Does a show about Navy investigators seem worthy of being the top show on television? What do they investigate anyhoo? Realistically, have you ever heard of the Navy being considered "Tops" in crime solving? Did the Navy find out who killed Jon Benet? Was it the Navy who surmised that Balloon Boy (sorry I'm talking about him again) was a hoax? Has the Navy ever gotten to the bottom of Anna Nicole's early and suspicious demise? I don't think so Mark Harmon. Meanwhile there are actually a few really great television shows out there worthy of being number one ("30 Rock", "Modern Family" and of course "Hoarders" immediately come to mind. But I digress. The world must be filled with a shit load of old cat ladies in housecoats with Mark Harmon crushes.

Lastly: The Ralph Lauren Model who was fired for being too fat. C'mon Ralph Lauren. No one fired you for having white hair and BLACK eyebrows, which is for sure a fashion no-no. Here is a picture of model Fattie McSquishy (weighing in at a staggering 120 lbs!!!)

If I looked like that I would seriously go out every day to get my mail in the nude and probably wear a bra and thong to the grocery store and Parent Teacher Night. Apparently the people of Ralph Lauren thought she was a dead ringer for Natalie in the Facts of Life (look her up if you are under the age of 35) and went all sorts of crazy with the Adobe Photo Shop (and where can I get my hand on that software?) 

Here she is (photoshopped to get rid of all that excess skin and stuff) in one of their Australian Ads:

Can you say "Put another shrimp on the barbie?" (and while you're at it, add a juicy steak and some S'mores to the barbie). Hey Fat Model: Karen Carpenter called from the grave. She's upset because you are stealing her thunder (and probably her Ex Lax).

Way to go Ralph Lauren. I am now officially boycotting your clothing (and that includes your stupid "Chaps" brand that is being sold at finer retail stores like Kohls and Marshall's).

*Note: Stupid Blogger has changed it's formatting. Sometimes "spellcheck" works and sometimes it doesn't. Today it doesn't. Misspelled words are one of my majoh pet peeves, and while I tried to catch them, I'm no Harvard grad (UofA all the way) so there are bound to be some spelling errors. Just another thing that is pissing me off this week.

-val

I "Heart" Butter Boy

I love this little butter boy. Sure, his love of fried butter will no doubt result in him growing up to be riddled with Heart Disease and he will most certainly grow up to resemble a dashing John Candy or Ralphie May. But let's be honest, little  butter boy's dance says it all.....I had the same reaction after I ate a Ravioli with a gooey fried egg in the middle at Mario Batali's restaurant in LA (I also drank so much wine there that I now cannot remember the name of the actual restaurant). I also do this dance (internally, of course) every time I eat Foie Gras, really good Risotto or Chocolate Lava Cake. Also, I'm pretty sure this kid is a blood relative of Parker:

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What Do you Expect from Wife Swap Contestants?

Today at work as I watched the boy in the silver bubble air balloon fly vicariously over the fields of Colorado on MSN.com, I was horrified. How will they get him down? Will he crash into the Rocky Mountains? But as the Brady Bunch-like Space Ship twisted and turned I really started to doubt how it could possibly hold a 50 lb child. I mean, C'mon it didn't have a window or a visible door, and no tell-tale lump of a kids butt sitting in the mylar basket.

As it it crashed to the ground I looked over at my co-worker and said, "He's probably at home in the basement." I  love how the first reaction of the rescuers was to hit the balloon repeatedly with a shovel to incapacitate the balloon (head injuries to a small boy apparently were not a concern). Honestly, instead of a small boy, I  kept expecting Popcorn to explode from inside the Jiffy Pop top of the balloon.


Then, when no boy surfaced and news that his family had once appeared on "Wife Swap" began to surface, I really began to get suspicious. Call me crazy, but any family who has agreed to appear on Wife Swamp simply cannot be trusted. The words "Attention whores" immediately came to mind and I envisioned them telling their son "Falcon" (again: can you say "Attention whores?") to lay low with a box of Oreos and a Spongebob DVD while they notified the KFOX helicopter to track down their homemade Aluminum Foil balloon on live TV. (Word is they contacted the media BEFORE calling the PoPo).


Cut to 4 hours later....Falcon is found in the family attic. I'm no Einstein, but wouldn't a good search of the home be one of the first things they did? And while I 'm glad that "Falcon" is safe and sound, I can't help but wonder if his hippie parents were maybe concocting up a story to extend the 15 minutes of Wife Swap fame? Surely a People Magazine (or at the very least National Enquirer) cover is in their future. And that is so not cool.
-Val

Balloon Boy Update:
My dad is convinced that there is no hanky panky to this story and that the family legitimately thought Falcon was lost up up and away in his beautiful balloon. However I just came across this homemade family video on You Tube ( a must watch, below). This is the entire Crazy Jiffy Pop Balloon family singing some sort of homemade rap. I can't understand much, but there are some great stolen Elton John/Bernie Taupin lyrics about Farting and Fire Ants. The Sherlock Holmes in me thinks that when Def Jam records didn't come a knocking they pulled the balloon stunt in hopes for an uplifting (pun intended) Lifetime movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt, Rick Schroeder and three of the Gosslin kids as the Balloon Brothers.


Balloon Boy (HOAX) Update #2:
Balloon Boy "Falcon" just accidently spilled the beans to Wolf Blitzer on CNN. Wolf asked the parents why Falcon didn't come out of his "hiding place" (aka the attic where he was supplied with a box of Oreos and a Spongebob marathon in return for keeping his mouth shut) and the boy said, "Well, you (the parents) told me it was all for a SHOW." And then Balloon Dad coughed and stuttered while his mail order bride shook her head and said "Nooooo.". This will be all over the news tomorrow. And I hope they send the balloon family a bill for the resuce attempt (which CNN calculated to be upwards of $28k).

And, I rest my case:

Screw Project Runway

Sometimes life isn't funny, it's just a rat race pain in the ass. Hence the lack of posts from either Parker or myself over the past week.

Until we have some postworthy events, here is a fun video from 1935, predicting the fashions of the year 2,000. To this I say, "Screw You Project Runway." I'll take the dress with headlamp (for finding good men) over a dress made out of recycled newspapers anytime.

Ironically, my  husband has the exact same jumpsuit as the guy at the end of the video. Swish!

The Trojan Tee Shirt Tale

Val's  t-shirt story (below) reminds me of the time I brought home one of my boyfriends, Todd Jacobs to meet my mom Nancy. He was 17, 6 foot 4 with long blond surfer hair and probably weighed 140 lbs soaking wet. I thought Todd was beyond dreamy - perhaps I just wanted to feed him a good meal.

When I answered the door of our discreet turbo colonial-style house in the middle of the desert, he stood before me in a Trojan Condoms T Shirt. Holy shit you can't be serious, wearing that to meet my mom.
Without Nancy's knowledge, I had smoked stolen cigs and drank stolen beers from our fridge in my treehouse as a kid and smoked pot with val in my room, so being really observant wasn't exactly her strong suit.

Later that night, trojan condom boy dry humped my Levi button fly jeans so hard that he bruised my va jay jay. Apparently his tee was just for show, because he was bound and determined to dry hump me with clothes on for hours. This is just as well because I didn't want to lose my virginity to him anyway. That future suitor would at least need to wear a wife beater to meet Nancy.
-Parker

Why You Shouldn't Surf the Web at Work

I hardly ever surf the web at work, but occassionally when I have down time I do check my personal email or when I'm feeling really devilsih check one of my go-to gossip sites. Yesterday, late afternoon and not much to do I decide to go onto dlisted.com - a fairly tame, snarky gossip website. Before logging in, I do a quick look to the right to make sure no one is approaching. The second the site comes up I am confronted with the following picture (on a 20 inch flatscreen monitor in glorious Technacolor):

And then I see out of the corner of my eye - a coworker approaching my cubicle. My thought process went something like this:

"Oh Hell No..... Shit, here she comes. Click the X, click the X...I'm clicking the X but nothing is happening. Why is it asking me if I want to close all screens -SHIT YES, close ALL screens NOW god dammit."

I've been on that website many times and this is the first time I've come across a picture of Pamela Anderson spread eagle with a giant star over her cooch. Naturally, one of my 50-year-old co-workers would peruse by my desk at that exact same moment. I might as well have had a Penthouse centerfold wallpapered on my cubicle walls. If she did see, she didn't say anything, but I'm sure she is now under the impression that I am a lipstick lesbian who cruises porn sites at work.

Later that day I cruised on down to the "Student Center" (by the way the "Student Center" at a community college might be one of the best people watching places on the planet). I stood in line to purchase my Diet Pepsi and the debenair young man in front of me was wearing a tee shirt with cut off sleeves with the following astute words on the back:

Stay Sick

Stay Fuck

Hail Satan

First of all, his mom must be proud. But most important, what on earth could a Satan worshipper possibly be doing at community college? Is he dabbling in accounting when he's not sacrificing small rodents and scratching pentagons on his arm with a razor? Is he taking a class on how to make websites, so that he can spread his wisdom to the rest of the world? Maybe he is studying to be a medical assistant? Or maybe his Jonas Brother's concert tee shirt was dirty and the Hail Satan shirt was the only clean thing in his drawer.

-val

P.S. if you are surfing the web while at work and the above picture just popped up as someone is passing your desk, I apologize.