Monday, February 1, 2010

Two Middle Aged Gals Review the Grammys

We live for awards shows. The last few Grammy shows have been disappointing and nine times out of ten, when the winner is announced we find ourselves saying, "WHO?" - because that's what happens when you reach the age of 40. You become tragically unhip. This year was a pleasant surprise and we both actually really enjoyed the show (at least the first hour, then we both had to go to bed). Here's our next day "email review".

To: Val
From: Parker
RE: Grammys

When I imagined the greatness that would be Elton John and Lady Gaga singing a duet
together I pictured glitter glasses and was pleasantly surprised to see both of them donning the glitziest of glasses during their beyond genius performance. I could have watched all night. I thought it would be downhill from there, alas I was wrong.

Green Day and their American Idiot
Broadway cast were stellar and riveting to say the least.
Beyonce clearly had not ingested any sodium or carbs for many weeks prior to her performance, and did some dance moves that would have landed me in a full body cast. My eyes then were transfixed on Pink and her white satin ribbon camel-toe sheath. I have to say her performance was amaze-balls to say the least.

No offense to country artists I don't care about, but Miranda Lambert must have felt like a hippo when she waddled on stage in that baby blue taffeta monstrosity after Pink's performance. If I had to so much as walk on stage after Gaga, Green Day, Beyonce and Pink, I would basically have thrown my Janet Jackson headset on the floor and been like, "Ahhh sorry Ryan Seacrest producer guy, I think I have food poisoning."

By the way, check out the picture of Gaga. So many questions, like who is that strange guy she's holding hands with? Is he a cast member from the
Sorpanos? Perhaps her drug dealer? If so, I'd hold hands with him too, for keeping me so skinny. Most importantly, check out that dude behind her. I'd really love to know his story.

To: Parker
From: Val
RE: My Grammy Thoughts!

Gaga and Elton John were amazing, glitter glasses and all, but I could have done without the smeared dog shit (mud?) all over their faces - especially Elton, who really is too old to have smeared brown shit all over his face. Plus it totally clashed with his 9 carat, dangler diamond solar-system earring.

Beyonce's 14 minute routine I kept thinking how completely out of breath I would have been after the first 30 seconds - that is if I hadn't already completely biffed it on the stairs wearing those 16 inch glitter ankle boots.

Holy Christ, how on earth did Pink manage to sing on key while being spun like cotton candy for 5 minutes. I would have totally hurled on the audience below mid-routine, and then done a complete dramatic "drowning gasp" after being dunked in that tank of water. I also would have been digging the major leotard wedgie out of my ass the entire time and cursing under my breath after getting tangled beyond belief in that white sling. Of course at my current weight, it probably would have just ripped in half,
plummeting me below into the tub of water.

I missed the Michael Jackson tribute, but who the hell is that Cotton Eyed Joe band that won "Best New Artist". Is there a reason why country female artists always feel the need to wear the most sparkly Miss USA gowns while Country
male artists never seem to have issues with wearing ripped Lee jeans, embroidered shirts with metal darts on the collar, knitted homeless caps and a 2 week old scruffy beard? Speaking of Country singers, Keith Urban seems like such a nice guy and Nicole Kidman still always seems to have that giant rod up her ass.

Saw a pic of Jennifer Hudson on the Red
Carpet and I'm pretty sure she is more proportionally in shape than I am. Also saw a picture of Britney Spears who I think was wearing a black Speedo racing swimsuit with one of those sheer pool cover ups that you can get at TJ Maxx for $19.99. The black satin Bride's maid pumps completed the look. Can't daddy Spears spare some of her weekly allowance for a stylist who isn't stuck in the year 1992?

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