Daily E-Mail: Why America is so Fat

To: Val

From: Parker

RE: Why America is so fat

If I could eat fast food 24/7 and not look like Beth Ditto, I would. I love it all, McDonald's fries, KFC, and of course the greatest hangover cure ever - the Jack In the Box taco with American Cheese (one part taco, 99 parts orange mystery grease). At the Texas State Fair I have even eaten a Corny Dog followed by a peanut butter and jelly sandwich dipped in Bisquick and deep fried with powdered sugar (Skinny!)

Today my craving overpowered me and I went through the Taco Bueno ("Taco Good") drive thru for a tostada. Innocent enough, unless mixed with "Alli" (not recommended unless u like unexpectedly creating your own orange mystery grease in your lace hanky pankys). As I ordered my tostada (I was Alli free, thank god) I noticed a new menu item: As if their full taco wrapped in another  taco shell and then deep fried isn't enough fat-punch for you, you can now proudly order - drum roll please- the "Cheesecake Chimichanga." Savory and sweet all in one. If it's too hot to eat you can just rub in into your inner thighs. What will they think of next? 

Great, now I am hungry again!

To: Parker

From: Val

Re: Why America is so Fat

Holy tamale, that sounds disgusting. Why not just order a can of Crisco and a plastic spoon? Of course nothing tops the time when we were 17, you forced me to drive through Harbee's to get a burger and found a thick black curly hair (with root) smack in the middle. You were so hungry you ate in a circle around that hair. Ah to be young and carefree again. I think I just vomited in my mouth.