Gaydar Love

After High School I left Val behind, regretting my crappy grades and lack of extracurricular activities (aside from smoking pot after school). Had I played a sport or tried in Geometry instead of closing my book the first day of class  knowing there was no way in hell I would ever 'get it', I might have actually gotten into the U of A and Val and I could have partied on together for the next  4-6 years.

Alone in a new city at a college where I knew no one, was a lot to take. Luckily in Louisiana, Southern Hospitality is a plenty and on my first day I met Devon, a bubbly red head with a giant satin bow in her hair and shoulder pads for days. Devon introduced me to my first college love, Johnny. Imagine if Clay Aiken and Jim Jay Bullock were to somehow procreate: Johnny would be thy name.

Regardless of his southern Aiken-like twang and Jim Jay Bullock smile, I thought Johnny was perfect. His favorite movie was that 80's classic "Less Than Zero" which we watched no less than 17 times together. Jimmy was raised in New Orleans with 6 older sisters. In the 1970's his family appeared on the Family Feud with Richard Dawson - a brush with fame that I was totally impressed by. He loved to dance (shirtless) and knew all the hot spots in New Orleans. On Thursday afternoon we would head to New Orleans to party like crazy. My mom loved Johnny and thought he was a perfect gentleman - which he was, maybe even too perfect as my self-esteem was in the shitter because I could not get Johnny to touch me in any way except for the occasional hand holding. Val come out one weekend for a visit and after meeting Johnny, her "gaydar" was pinging like mad. In a drunken stupor (while I was in the bathroom) Val looked Johnny square in the eye and asked, "Are you gay?". His reply was a high-pitched "Noooooo." Followed by a giggley, "AS IF." Ping!

A few weeks later, while partying at college hot spot "Denim & Diamonds", a friend of a friend named Sergio told me how great Jimmy was in bed. At least Sergio was getting some. In hindsight the theme song of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" should have been playing every time Johnny walked down the street, but love was blind. Even gay love.

With Johnny out of the picture, it was on to Shane. Oh, if I had a dollar for every time I listened to Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 u" and lamented over my Ike and Tina relationship with "Fish Face" (as  my brother called him). We broke up more times than Heidi and Spencer (only not for publicity). Shane was 4 years older and because of this was always telling me how young I was and how I would be wise like him one day. Why I didn't say "Wise like being a Crawdad University for nine years?" was beyond me, but once again I was in love. Shane cheated on me relentlessly including one time bringing a girl into my section on Hennigans and ordering champagne. So white trash. In hind sight I should have poured some of that "red sauce" all  over him. I fell hook line and sinker for his fish face head games. One day he bought a navy Cutlass Supreme, which he was so proud of and as we drove to his Grandmother's house in Gaydon (yes there is actually a place called Gaydon - it may be where American Idol found Carrie  Underwood milking cows) he looked at me and told me that this piece-of-shit car he was driving would be our "family car" someday. All of the sudden I had a flash of kids in the back crying, snotty baby noses, a trailer, a velvet Elvis, red beans and rice on Sundays in Gaydon, Shane in a baseball that said "Jim Beam" while eyeing our trailer neighbor Betty Sue and that was all I needed. I gave Ike the boot the next day.

I quickly moved on to Shane's good friend Joe. Yes, I was kind of using him, but he was adorable and a great guy however his penis was the size of my thumb and having sex with a regular sized tampon was the deal breaker for me. Of course I didn't give him this reason as I peeled my white Mazda RX7 out of his parking lot.

On the opposite end of the spectrum was Eric, aka "the Root". This nickname had been given to him by his Frat brothers as Eric was a very skinny guy with the goods that make Dirk Diggler look small. I was no Pamela Anderson and broke up with him for fear that my va-jay-jay would never be the same. When I told him it was over he told me I complained a lot - so funny, nothing has changed.  After college I found out he was the manager of a  Luby's in Shreveport, LA., the armpit of the country.

Ok by now you are probably thinking that Parker is the sluttier version of Trishelle from the Las Vegas season of The Real World. I decided that I would buckle down and find a "nice guy" right about the time I met Charlie. Unfortunately, Charlie had a reputation for loving X and acid, but his sexy smirk and Brandon-Lee-in-"The-Crow" good looks couldn't keep me away. Chuck took so many drugs that he would get flop sweat walking me to my car. Some friends of his had a party once and on the coffee table was a dirty skull. I picked it up and commented that it was so cool and freaky life-like, at which point someone told me that's because it came from a grave. I drop-kicked the human skull just as Chuck entered the room (high on acid and completely naked) contorting his body, convinced that he was the letter "J".  I walked home knowing that night I was ill equipped to help my major crush deal with his letter issues. 

-Parker