Wednesday, October 8, 2008

E-Mail of the Day: AIG Can Burn in Hell (while they get Hot Stone Massages)


to: parker@Don'tEmailMeAtWork.com
from: val@doinglaundry.com
re: AIG & Lehman Brothers are Bastards!

Parker:

I just read about the $440,000 retreat that AIG spent for employees, just days after the government gave them an $85 billion dollar bailout. Good for them. I hope they had fun! Ummm can you say holy-greedy-bastards-burn-in-hell? And if you are wondering just where they had their "business meeting", it was at the St. Regis in Dana Point, Ca. (you remember, the place where we went with our hubbys and had that cheap $600 dinner a few years ago?) Not exactly a budget-friendly hotel. In these times of economic turmoil, I have given up the manicures and pedicures (which I only had every few months anyway), expensive scented candles, Starbucks and online jean shopping while buzzed on wine. Shit, sometimes I even find myself "Coasting" downhill in an effort to make my gas tank last longer. Meanwhile, AIG executives are spending $23,380 for spa treatments while our retirement portfolio dwindles down to nothing. Son of a Bitch.


to: val@doinglaundry.com
from: parker@Don'tEmailMeAtWork.com
re: AIG & Lehman Brothers are Bastards!

As (my personal hero) Cartman says: "Sons of Bitches!" I also heard that the ex-CEO of Lehman Bros. was on the treadmill and someone came up to him and punched him in the face. So great.


to: parker@Don'tEmailMeAtWork.com
from: val@doinglaundry.com
re: AIG & Lehman Brothers are Bastards!

I don't usually advocate violence, but in this case I'd say that "Karma came a calling". By the way, if I was partially responsible for the collapse of one of the largest investment firms in history, I would probably be sitting in my closet sucking my thumb in a haze of anti-depressants and cheap wine, and NOT getting jiggy wit-it on the treadmill.


This is Genius

In my day we had "drunk dialing": a late-night regrettable phone call after a night of hedonistic partying which involved one-too-many Long Island Ice Teas. No one was immune and the result was waking up the next day with a massive headache, and coming to a fuzzy realization that you made a phone call you shouldn't have. 

While I'm sure that "drunk dialing" is still rampant amongst the partying crowd, a new plague has enveloped our society over the past several years: "Impaired E-mailing". If you have a computer and a liquor cabinet, you are not immune. That remorseful feeling of Oh if only I hadn't sent that email to my high school crush/ex-boss/President Bush/ex-girlfriend etc..... 

Google labs has just announced a possible cure for 'Impaired E-mailing' called Mail Goggles. According to the Official GMail Blog, "When you enable Mail Goggles, it will check that you're really sure you want to send that late night Friday email. And what better way to check than by making you solve a few simple math problems after you click send to verify you're in the right state of mind?"


I guess the train of thought is that inebriation and math don't mix. Thanks Google. 


Sunday, October 5, 2008

Judy is One Hot Bitch! (So is South Central Chihuahua)

When I saw this video on Saturday Night Live this weekend, I almost peed my pants. Judy is one hot, sexy bitch. Also, with beer goggles on, she looks slightly like Nicole Kidman. I've been singing this song all weekend. 




My daughter has been begging me to take her to see "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" - but unless the movie theatre has installed a Margarita Machine, I would rather take a hot poker in the eye then sit through that shitstorm. I would, however totally pay my $10.50 to see "South Central Chihuahua". When my animal-lover daughter saw this on "The Soup", she became emotionally distressed and ran from the room sobbing (must have been the realistic bloody effects). Meanwhile my son and I were rolling on the floor gasping for air. -val



Thursday, October 2, 2008

God Doesn't Care About Dancing


Last night after my 3-hour binge of reality TV (America's Next Top Model, Project Runway
and Top Design) I finished the night with a little E! Entertainment News. In keeping with its journalistic integrity, E!'s first story was the demise of Kim Kardashian from Tuesday's Dancing with the Stars. Cut to a clip of a teary-eyed Kim telling the reporter that "God felt like it was time for me to leave." News flash Kim: God doesn't give a rat's ass about you and the dancing show. The American public decided you should leave because you are annoying, a bad dancer and maybe just a little bit conceited.

I'm not a religious person, but would like to think there is a higher power out there. However, I am always baffled when I watch a frivolous awards show (like the Oscars or the Grammys) and the winner's speech always contains a "shout out" to God. As if he cares whether or not Three Six Mafia win the Oscar for best song or some divine intervention  led Jennifer Hudson to beat out Cate Blanchett in the best supporting actress category. 

Maybe it's just me, but  I'm guessing that if their is a God, he might be concerned with more urgent matters like the crisis in Darfur or conflict in the Middle East. Then again, maybe he's a huge fan of Dancing with the Stars.
-Val

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Adopting Charlie



If you've never tried to adopt a dog from an animal rescue shelter (especially in Southern California), I dare you to try. It's not as easy as it seems. When I adopted my first dog from the Humane Society 17 years ago, it involved little more than tearfully pointing at the most pathetic looking, frightened dog in a cage, writing a check for a small fee and the cost of neutering and I was on my way. Easy.

2 years ago on a whim, my daughter and I went on Petfinder, which is a great way to find a pet that desperately needs a home. It's kind of like a "Match.com" for pets and their new potential owners. We (just for fun) entered in our zip code, the kind of animal we were "looking for" (dog), age (young) etc.... and Petfinder found us a plethora of available animals within a 75 mile perimeter. Within minutes we were introduced to "Charlie" who was available at a local animal shelter. It was love at first site (see picture below and you'll understand):

Even with his wonky, runny eyes, I knew I had to have him. We immediately called and set up an appointment to meet him. My husband was not exactly jumping for joy when I told him of my plan to adopt a new puppy, but he was helpless over my amazing willpower to get what I want. 

The next morning the kids and I trekked a whopping 60 miles to meet Charlie. The over zealous animal-shelter representative made it very clear that she needed to meet with us in person and give us the 'once over' before relinquishing custody.  He had just had eye surgery (hence the runny eyes) and was approximately the size of a New York City rat. The first thing she asked me when we arrived was "Where's your husband?" When I told crazy dog lady that "dad" was at work (to earn the money for the Kibbles and Bits) she looked at me blankly as if I was insane and said, "I can't adopt him to a family until I have met every member of the household. Meanwhile, my kids were on the floor having a love fest with Charlie and I knew this wouldn't be easy. Honestly, I'm pretty sure Angelina and Brad had an easier time adopting baby Zahara. 

My husband works approximately 70 hours a week and getting him to make the pilgrimage to "Crazy Animal Shelter Land" (60 miles away) would be harder than getting him to go to a Spice Girls Reunion concert. I begged the lady to just talk to him on the phone, which she did, grilled him for 20 minutes, hung up and said, "I still need to meet him." Fine.

Day two: the entire family treks another 60 miles for a chance at winning the Charlie lottery. This time Tom and I sat at a table and answered approximately 2000 questions including, "Who will get the dog if you divorce?" (me); "Will you ever under any circumstances put the dog to sleep?" ("Yes, if he's dying" was apparently the wrong answer); and "What kind of food will you feed him?" (Purina dog chow?) Again, Wrong Answer. According to crazy dog lady, Charlie (a mutt who was dropped off in a box in front of the shelter) would have to be fed organic dog food ($20 for a small bag) and could never, under any circumstances be fed table scraps, which are "toxic" for his precious innards. It seemed odd that my family and I were perfectly fine after consuming our weekly Prime New York steaks, yet it was "virtual poison" for a dog. Whatever, I got wind of her game and started to give her the answers I knew she wanted to hear.

Long story short, 2 hours (and $300) later, we were the proud new adoptive family of 8 week old Charlie. He promptly urinated all over the back seat of our car. Within a week, he was off the "organic" stuff (which gave him continual, projectile diarrhea) and happily feasting on the oh-so-deadly Purina Puppy Chow. Within a few months, he was downing  table scraps (carrots, hamburger and occasional steak parts) like an old pro. And guess what? Aside from a neurotic fear of balloons and large boxes (and large trucks) Charlie is completely spoiled and doing just fine.
-Val