Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Reality Roundup: Real Housewhores of Orange County

I hate myself for watching this show, but the truth is these bitches all live within 5 miles of me and I love getting glimpses of my neighborhood haunts. Last night Season 4 (uggh) premiered and I sat through the entire agonizing hour. These women truly are horrible, horrible people. Below are some random thoughts about these 5 superficial bitches:

  • Vicki: this money-hungry whore might be the worst of them all. When she contemplates buying a million-dollar yacht, (literally jumping up and down with glee when she discovers it includes a dishwasher and a washer/dryer) I almost threw a brick at the TV (I refrained because in this economy, I cant afford to replace my flatscreen. Also I was too lazy to go outside and find a brick). Hey Vicky - in case you haven't heard, the country is in a "recession" - you're not P. Diddy, your a freaking insurance agent, so  maybe instead of buying a pimped out boat, you might want to concentrate on selling that second house you bought last year which is still on the market.
  • Laurie: Clearly Laurie and her new husband, "George Mc-No-Chin" are living the high life. I loved when they name dropped "Charles Branson" (when they were clearly talking about Sir Richard Branson - CEO of Virgin Records) as they ate their free dinner, paid for by the St. Regis hotel in exchange for the camera panning over the hotel's name for a whopping three seconds. 
  • Jeanna: I find Jeanna to be the least offensive bitch - or I did until they showed her bedroom full of her semi-naked Nagel paintings from the 80's (by the way, Parker was a huge fan of Patrick Nagel in High School and I think she actually had one of Jeanna's Nagel renderings hanging in her bedroom: Holy 6 degrees of OC Housewives). Jeanna - we get it, you used to be hot. But for the love of god put the Nagels in the spare bedroom and box up that glamour shot of you circa 1984 wearing a hot pink Members Only jacket and nothing else.
  • Gretchen: 30-year old money-grubbing gold digger doesn't even scratch the surface. It's not like that old dude that she is with is Mr. Personality - the ficus tree on my back patio has more personality than that Kenny Roger clone. Sadly, he has Leukemia, and I wouldn't be surprised if she has the "Leukemia count down clock" loaded on her laptop - counting down the days when she is the "hottest widow in Orange County".
  • Tamra: Tamra lives in my community and I can say with confidence that she is not "the hottest" housewife around. Also, she just listed her house on the market, which makes me wonder if they are needing the cash to pay for those leopard print dresses, Restalyne and the diamond watch her hubby bought her last season.
  • The "Trunk Show": When Laurie whipped out her Black American Express to pay for those fake Roberto Cavalli dresses (who buys Roberto Cavalli at a trunk show?) I was ready to actually go outside in the rain and find a brick and throw it at Laurie's plastic face. Nothing says Superficial like whipping out your black card in front of your friends. Also I think the lady who ran the trunk show has a company called "Haute Rod" - classy.
The only fair outcome this season would be if a giant meteor blazed down over Coto destroying these narcissistic wenches. Can't wait for next week.

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