Sunday, January 4, 2009

F*&K, I'm 40!


Staring down the barrel of 40 during my 39th year always made me throw up in my mouth a little. I imagined waking up on my 40th in a soccer mom twin set,
khakis, and my hair styled like Sally Field's. I tried to remain positive
and because of the miracle of Botox I don't think I look quite 40. Besides, women are supposed to reach their sexual peak at 40, I don't have any kids but at least I don't have 6, and maybe I will not get as worried about all the little things
because after all I'm 40 and I know some hard lessons about life at this point.

One thing is for sure on my 40th I wouldn't be at work or anywhere near the white trash city where my company is located. Having gone to college at "Bobby Bouche" University in Lafayette, Louisiana, I loved new Orleans and Daddy Warbucks and I would visit all the time when we first started dating. New Orleans would also be a easy destination for our friends and family from Dallas and new York to join us, so New Orleans it was.

I told D.W that I would leave all the planning to him. I'm a control freak and this one time I would do my best not too get involved. Before we left I did however remind D.w. there were
two W Hotels in the French quarter and to make sure we were at the same one as our friends.

Needless to say I was just a tad angry when D.W. had indeed made the reservations at the wrong W and for various reasons we couldn't transfer to the other W hotel. Our limo driver who drove us  the "wrong" hotel asked how are day was? To which I replied, "Fine except my husband is a fucking idiot." D.W. turned from the front (since I wouldn't let him sit in the back) and told me to "shut the fuck up". Needless to say the limo driver decided to no longer make small talk with Ikeand Tina and my 40 th was off to a rough start.

After a few more choice words for each other and some angry texts to Val (who was unable to attend my 40 th due to a previous engagement, and who of course took D.W.'s side) we headed off on a bar crawl drinking and eating like Mario Batali at a really great All-U-Can-Eat Italian buffet. Mid-afternoon in true D.W. style he bought me gorgeous painting by one of our favorite artists (and all was forgiven, sort of).

Our friends all arrived early the next day and the celebrations were in full force. There are now Absinthe bars in new Orleans much to our delight. We didn't meet a Po Boy we didn't like, even the sub-par one at Acme Oyster Bar. I am pretty sure they put crack cocaine in the cafe au laits at Cafe du Monde, they are that good. The amount of powdered sugar on the beignets is so wrong yet so right.

The morning of my 40 th I walked into the bad lighting (or at least I hoped) of our bathroom and took a good look at my 40 year old face somewhat expecting to see the crypt keeper staring back at me. I was so dehydrated from all the previous nights' cocktails that I instead was a dead ringer for Benecio del Toro left for dead in the desert in the movie "Traffic". I'm pretty sure I used half a container of moisturizer on my face that morning and drank a gallon of water with my Eggs Benedict and cheese grits at breakfast.

That day I would tell people "today is my 40 th" hoping I would get a response like "No shit? You look 26!" Instead each person just said, "Well happy birthday." Even the drunkest, not-quite all there barflys I experimented on didn't respond as I had hoped.

All in all turning 40 wasn't as painful as I thought it would be, although I have noticed I don't get out of bed or into a car without grunting like a 80 year old.

Here's my advice for all of our young readers: Put 75 SPF on your face when in the sun, start a
fund to save for future Botox treatments (you may say you
won't do it, but you will) drink lots of water, go ahead and have fries but eat a salad with them, and exercise - if even just a little each week. Doing these things will allow you to party like Tommy Lee circa 1996 and still recover.

Next up Val turns 40 in September '09. Should be a doozy, I predict it will be a less graceful turning of 40 for Val based on her current level of 39 and holding denial.

(yeah, yeah Val and I were in the same grade although I'm almost a year older, I was held back in the first grade, but that's another story) cheers!
-Parker

1 comment:

Jenn said...

Happy happy birthday!!! Remember, 40 is the new 30. I don't think I'll save for botox because I'm confident by the time I reach that age they'll something even cooler, cheaper and more effective out there...considering botox for my gummy smile, however. I promise if you took out every reference to both your ages I'd swear you both were way under 30...only, you know, smart.
I'll keep that advice in mind, I only just started investing in moisturizer AND makeup with sunscreen, and I really need to eat healthier and work out more. I promise I'll try harder, because my elders always know best :p