Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Random Stuff

With not much happening in my life (aside from an expanding waistband) here are some random "Deep Thoughts" (but not by "Jack Handy")
  • Does anyone really care about Jon and Kate? How do they even find the time to cheat? They have 8 freakin' kids. I have 2 children and they follow me around like I'm the god damned Pied Piper. Also, Star magazine just revealed that Jon was discovered smoking Pot at a bar and his boozing is "out of control." Well, duh? The guy has 8 kids!!!!
  • Instead of "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here," NBC should change the name to one of the following:  "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me a G-Damned Can of Off!" (Could Sanjaya possibly have more bug bites?) "I'm Sort of A Celebrity, and I am Boring as Shit." (I'm talking to you, Lou Diamond Phillips);  or "I'm No Longer A Celebrity.... Anyone Got a Job for Me?"
  • Why do doctor's offices love to leave messages at 4:50 on a Friday night saying "The doctor needs to meet with you to discuss your blood test." This immediately prompts one to Google every blood disorder (and combine it with any random symptoms you've had over the last 18 years) so that the result "CANCER" comes up over and over, only to show up to the appointment and have the doctor tell you that your are completely healthy? On Saturday, I texted Parker and asked her if she'd be my "Bette Midler" (I get to be Barbara Hershey) and sit in Adirondack chairs on the beach with me during my final weeks. By Sunday night I practically had my funeral planned.
  • This week one of the EMT students at the college I work at called me "Ma'am". He was probably just a sweet kid who was raised right - but it crushed me. Next week I'm going to show up to work in a floral Muumuu wearing Blu-Blockers and carrying a  a jar of Metamucal.
  • Last night my son had his 7th grade band concert (good times all around). He's grown so much over the past 3 months that he actually had to lay on the floor to button his black trousers. As he lie there, humiliated at having to have his mom tell him to "Suck it in" while I buttoned his pants, I looked him in the eye and said "Welcome to my world, kiddo." 

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