Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Once, Twice, Three Times a Skanky Lady (And My Missed Opportunity with Tiger)

When the Tiger Woods "Ooops I crashed my Escalade into a fire hydrant and tree at 2:30 am" scandal came out a few days ago, I honestly didn't give a rat's ass. Then the slutty New York fame whore in the Ray Bans came forth and hired lawyer Gloria Allred (a surefire way to ensure you will be a guest on Larry King Live and Good Morning America). Even then, I was still a little bored by the whole scandal. But when that skanky girl from "Tool Academy" came forth, I was all over that hot mess. And just today, yet another girl came forth, totalling 3 so far. Ironically all those bitches work in the food/beverage industry.

Why do famous men always seem to cheat with skanks and then, to top it off, send them horny me-love-you-long-time texts and voice mails? Did Tiger really thinks a 26-year-old cocktail waitress who has appeared on "Tool Academy" had the ability to be discreet? Apparantly Tiger did not take "Common Sense 101" during his stint at Stanford.Of course all this covorting with waitresses makes me wonder if maybe I could have had a chance with Tiger back in the day.

The year was 1992 and I was a 22 year old waitress at a upscale Country Club in Arizona. Tiger was a 16-year old Junior Golf Champion playing in a tournament.  During their lunch break, the junior players had a choice between a Hot Dog and a Hamburger. I remember it like it was yesterday: (insert the sound of harps here): Tiger ordered the Hot Dog - and as he did so, I'm pretty sure he gave me the once-over in my hard to resist waitress uniform consisting of a khaki skirt that landed mid calf, white oxford shirt with a chili-pepper Bolo Tie (remember, this was Arizona afterall) topped off with the ever-so-sexy Leggs Suntan pantyhose and brown loafers. Had I known he was such an easy catch I most certainly would have unbuttoned my oxford and let that Bolo tie lay suggestively smack in the middle of my size AAA breasts, hiked up that stiff khaki skirt and whispered in his ear, "Here's your wiener Tiger. Do you like older women? Grrrr." And maybe, just maybe me and Gloria Allred would be dining at Spago this very minute negotiating my story with The Sun.  Oh, so many missed opportunities....


PS - for those of you Eastcoasters who are wondering what the hell is a Bolo Tie? Here's a picture of copper plated, chili-pepper bolo tie, clearly made by someone deep in the depths of hell.

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