So last night at 5 pm I get a text from Parker that said, "I totally have the same body as the first American Idol contestant." Anyone who has ever met Parker knows that this isn't true, but when the first girl came on, I could totally relate. This girl was not fat, but she was slightly thick and soft, possibly hyped up on Sudafed, and to make matters worse, thought it was appropriate to wear Mom Jeans paired with a pink half shirt from the Britney Spears 1991 "Hit Me Baby One More Time" collection at Wal Mart. To make matters worse, she insisted on jumping up and down a good 75% of the time - which made her muffin top jiggle like crazy (I can say this because I can put on a jogging bra, my faded glory Lee Jeans from 1994, jump up and down and I am that woman's body double).
Speaking of bad wardrobe decisions, Can someone please explain to me what some of these contestants are thinking the morning of the audition when they open up their closet and say to themselves, "OK, Idol Auditions today. I think I'll go with the stirrup pants and size XS tank top. Make up? Nah, why bother. I mean It's not like I might be on television in front of millions of people or anything. " Look, I'm not saying that everyone needs to go on a Neiman Marcus shopping spree beforehand, but for the love of ghaad, slap on a little lip gloss or a shirt from this century (I'm talking to you glitter-vest-wearing, El Debarge-hair, Micheal Jackson loving guy). Hell, I went to a taping of American Idol and even I got my hair did and managed to put on a pair of high heels and lipstick. Good thing, too because that $40 blow out and wine colored lipstick got me in the front row of the pit and a good 2 seconds of on-air time that I'm still getting recognized for (you can read about it here).
That being said, here are some of our thoughts, in short about the season premiere of American Idol:
- Victoria Beckham: Holy Christ, she is thin. If either one of us walked in and saw her sitting there we would be too busy sucking in our stomach to even get a single note out.
- Did anyone else notice Randy Jackson's plastic red watch? Did he pull it out of his box of Capn' Crunch that morning? The ironic part is that that stupid plastic watch probably cost more than most people make in a month.
- What was the deal with the angry bespectacled John Hinkley contestant, who most surely will return for a live taping and shoot Kara from the back row? Also, is there some special store that most of us aren't privy to that sells Eye Glasses from the Serial Killer Collection by Foster Grants? If so, I'm pretty sure that guy is a customer.
And, for those of that who missed it, below is "Contestant #1" (i.e. Parker and Val's demure and ladylike "Body Double").