Tuesday, January 5, 2010

So (I Might Have) Married a Hippie

Last night when I saw that the new season of "The Bachelor" now has a subtitle: "...On the Wings of Love" I knew I had to watch. Sure enough, my family protested and looked at me with disgust. But how could I turn away from a show who's promos show him 1) crying over a rail on a staircase 2) throwing a rose into a bonfire (symbolism for sure) and 3) is promised by that reassuring-ABC-voice-over guy to be "The Most Dramatic Bachelor Ever"? Not to mention that one of the contestants gets jiggy with a producer from the show (not staged at all). But, like I always do when my family gives me the 'look of shame', I simply programmed it into the DVR when no one was in the room.

Down, but not out, I headed up to bed with a good book while my husband channel surfed. Then it happened: as I slept, the sound of Ed Begley Jr. in my head, bitching and moaning about solar panels (or a composter or his electric car or something like that). I awoke to find my husband mesmerized by "Living with Ed" on the Planet Green Channel. At one point I actually heard him "Oohing and Ahhing" as Ed toured some hippie-actress's "all green" house in the Hollywood Hills. It was at this point that I actually put on my black satin sleep mask and tried to fall back asleep. But sleep was futile. As my husband chuckled at the crazy antics of Ed Begley Jr. and his not-so-green wife, I began to reminisce about his behavior over the past few years and wonder, "Is my husband becoming a hippie?"

We've been together for 20 years and looking back, none of the telltale signs weere there. While we dated, he never went through that experimental phase some guys go through, like growing hair on the face or sporting a pony tail. He's never owned a pair of sandals or even a Puka shell necklace. In fact, although in college we both drank like we were roadies for Motley Crue, he has never tried weed.

Today he's a scrubbed up business man with short conservative hair and a closet full of suits, ties and shiny black loafers. But a few years ago he started a garden. A composter soon followed. Any vegetable scraps were saved and promptly thrown into said composter in order to create the perfect soil for the aforementioned garden. Peace. Then he bought a Prius (which I now drive, so who's the real hippie in this relationship?). Last year he actually called a solar panel company for information (luckily the $80,000 price tag held him at bay - for now). Then, last spring, when it came time to plan our family vacation, in lieu of our regular "Resort, Sunbathing and Hitting the Spa" trip, he planned an RV trip to the Grand Canyon and a few other National Forests that I can't remember the name of. Two days ago I caught him watching Planet Green and saying aloud, "This is a great channel". To which I replied (with disgust since it clearly doesn't have any dating reality shows or celebrity gossip), "I didn't even know we had that channel. I don't watch anything past channel 250.") It all came to a head last night when I caught him red-handed getting slowly sucked into the Ed Begley Jr. trap. And then, this morning as he headed out the door, he left behind a map of Yosemite National Park's hiking trails. Sure enough, he is planning yet another "Nature trail in an RV" spring break vacation. When I suggested that instead maybe we head out to a resort for some fun in the sun, he looked at me stone-faced and said, "This family relaxes too much." Son of a Bitch - is that even possible???


PS. I kid about my husband, as I too am big on recycling, love Polar Bears and Ice caps. Also I have been known to eat an organic vegetable now and then. Meanwhile, as I write this I am at home in my most comfortable fat clothes, alone and watching my "oh-so-coveted "Bachelor: On the Wings of Love" season premiere. One girl just told the Bachelor (who is a pilot) that she'd like him to "land his plane in her landing strip." Holy shit these are some desperate horny young ladies.

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